I have always been a self-contradicting kind of person. I was deeply shy as a teenager yet quite flamboyantly talented with a love of audience. I've had more tragedy than most people (murder in a small town, hurricane, flood, serious illness...just to get me to age 21) and more stability. But the tragedies have left permanent marks. A person learns scary things when you he or she goes through trauma. You learn how to "save" experience for later - just live in a kind of quiet desperation until you feel safe enough to cope. You lose huge chunks of yourself and your time, but if you've never really felt very proud of yourself, it hardly occurs to you that it might matter to you or anyone else when the experience finally fades.
I used to be really good at masking. I could just put on a happy face and a new personality - be whoever I wanted to be for the moment. If I wanted people, I was a Friend. If I wanted alone, I was a Bitch. It was easy, easy, easy because I really WAS all of those different kinds of people. I liked me and I hated me, according to whichever mask I wore at the time.
Then last October happened and I created a smokescreen just like I always do. I told enough of the story to elicit sympathy and not enough to really help myself survive.
So here I am, skirting around the web and I realized there's another red-head with a good sense of humor who reads and comments like I once did and has all the same blogbuddies I once had...and it hit me. The old me really has gone forever. I'm not funny anymore - I'm a walking shout-out to injustice and anger and regret. And I don't know how to feel about it except full of anger and regret, so that's hardly a solution-based sentiment.
Part of me wants to explain it all. Justify myself. Pretend I can be what I was - a good friend, an entertaining amigo, a harmless flirt, and an innocent with a wicked streak. I want to just burst on the scene again not with the feeling of an outsider who once held place in the world but as a true insider who is complete and together and....funny.
The other part just wants to read Harry Potter, eat ice cream and pretend nothing happened...just like always. Because in the end, it doesn't matter. Everyone is just a blip on the radar. It's the way the world works. And I can't promise I'll be more fun or more entertaining or rant less or anything. I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm full of regrets. And it's gotta be okay if I'm ever going to figure it all out and live.
It's very weird to be me and be so opposite to the person who used to live in this same skin. I really have no idea who I am and nothing I do or say makes sense anymore. I guess that's why I'm under work pressure and family pressure and social pressure - it really is unfair to lend your skin to someone so not you. I wish the old me would come and pick up her Birthday Suit. Though she probably wouldn't be happy about how much ice cream I fed it in her absence.
7 comments:
Aw Glo...
I've noticed the shift. And there must be so much more going on behind the peephole you let us peek through here (which I thoroughly appreciate) that we don't know about.
And by golly, this post seems the best mark of how like you I am or can be.
It doesn't matter to me if you're funny or complete or together. You're Glo and knowing you is still one of the best gifts I've gotten from this thing called blogging.
Good luck with this, what you're going through. It can go so many ways and I can only hope you'll be happy as an end result.
What she said.
Well except for the part about being like you, because "not a girl / redhead / single" etc.
Not that I can't--
Ah, carp. You know what I mean I am sure. Mostly I just hope your unsorted bits start cooperating and let you get back to feeling like yourself, whether or not "you" have changed.
Because I - we - like you, accept you, miss you, whether or not "you" have changed.
With or without ice cream.
:)
OK, so what I really get here is that you are still funny, still passionate about important causes, still deeply spiritual.... but a lot more careful about what you reveal to the world. And that is ok. Really. You are still healing, honey, and it's gonna take time.
And just get the damn book finished so we can talk.
I love you. I hope you know that I always admired you back in the day. And now that I get to see what you type, I admire you even more. Thanks for sharing...or purging. Whichever it is. :)
What they said. It looks to me like you have some pretty loyal friends who will take you as you are--sad and mad or reading Harry Potter and eating ice cream.
That's what friends do. They walk with you--old you, new you (I think they're all a part of the present you)--through the painful stuff as well as the funny stuff.
It's all about being real, and one of the reasons I come back here is because I like keepin' it real.
You're you, Glo, no matter how much you think you've changed. Change is a good thing, but believe it or not, deep inside, you're still the same person. Still, you can be whoever you choose on the outside, and you're the only one who decides who that is.
But just FYI - when you're done with Harry Potter, you'll suddenly feel more able to talk to people again. Why don't people know to leave you alone while you're in the middle? Grrr.
You've always been one of my favorite people. Whatever it is you're going through. Remember who you are and that you are dearly loved. Thanks for sharing your life (blogs) with us.
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