Austin Powers Turns 90 in this Post

oh my. Oh me oh my oh my! I saw my beloved octegenarian friend for the first time since helping him unpack after his move a few weeks ago.

Oh my! Oh me oh my oh my!

I've debated telling this story out of respect for my friend. He's an old man with little knowledge of his true circumstances. For example, today I was encouraging him to engage in social activities at his retirement home. He responded, "Why would I hang out with all those old people?!" As I looked at his wrinkled face, hunched back, and age spots, I reminded myself that his brain ceased self-awareness about 10-20 years ago. In his mind, he is not 80 with all the common experiences of the aged. He's a young, active 60-year-old man who prefers the company of 30-40 year old women.

And, thus, I progress in my telling of an old man who suddenly needed those sweet young things to clean out his apartment.

Since we have a good relationship, I was set to the task of helping him weed through old papers. This is a delicate task since he doesn't really know the date. Papers that are 20 years old feel like they were acquired yesterday. So, I looked painstakingly through boxes and boxes of old information, making up reasons the paper was "unneccessary" beyond being dated 1971.

We had reached the documentation of a traffic accident in 1983 when I heard an eruption of giggles from the bathroom. My sister and another woman from church were cleaning that room - I didn't mind my assignment when I remembered the alternate. They were giggling for a good while with deep gulping breaths marking each minute. After a long period of laughter, the room quieted. I returned to my insistence that you only need to hold onto car insurance papers until the accident is cleared up (or the company goes out of business, I said silently to no one but the Universe).

The other woman left the bathroom and came to hand me a bundle of men's toiletry bags "to go through with him and decide what's really useful." Then the giggling began afresh.

Careful to maintain my compassionate expression, I opened the first bag to discover....one Swedish made penis enhancer. I kid you not. The swedish-made part is the only embellishment in this story. The man had a penile enhancement kit. He's 80 - possibly 90 - years old. And he had a penis enhancer. I guess sexuality really never does die in the virile male. (As a public service announcement, I tell the reader that this kit looked very, very painful to use. I suppose it serves its "function" well, but I think the garden variety vacuum cleaner would be less abrasive, risky, and destructive.)

"Oh my," I said in my most gracious and polite voice, not betraying a moment of real emotion. "This is rather unexpected. I think its time has come and gone." The other women burst into uncontrolled laughter. I sent the old man on an errand so that I could join them in mirth.

Before he returned, I buried the bag in the trash can. My sister and our friend could not contain the Austin Powers quotes. We had already stumbled across a fair amount of 70s style pornography in the house. All I could do is shake my head and ask, "Why didn't the men who moved the boxes get rid of all this?!" We could only imagine that they were desperate to share the laughter and too kind to tell the story - as I promise we have been. The only mention of it has been a passing "That's not my bag, baby" in the halls at church to which we all erupt in giggles - and shake our heads at any quizzical glance. I only share it now as none of my remaining readers will ever meet the man. He's old. He may not even know where or when the bag was obtained. And I wouldn't put it past people to play a prank on an old, Russian ex-priest who didn't know how to read the world "subtle" when I first met him and would be too kind to throw out any kind of gift, obscene or otherwise, as his wide collection of butterfly collars received "from his friends" attest.

And yes, we threw out the porn along with the butterfly collars. We clean that house frequently and just can't keep laughing at the old guy, much as we love him.

And so that I don't leave you with a thought of what an old man does in his spare time, here's one of the funniest Harry Potter fan-themed videos I've ever seen. It's full of inside jokes, so my apologies to you sad muggles living on Privet Drive. Warning: Do not watch until you've read book 6! You would hate me, hate me, hate me if you did....and I've already been criticized for posting spoilers. (FYI: You can download this song for free. It'll be coming to my iPod very soon.)




P.S. Please - if you think this story inappropriate - no need to comment. As I said, I've debated sharing, but it was one of the few very funny moments I've had recently. I love my dear friend, even if he was using a penile enhancer. I just wish someone would introduce him to the sex toys shop downtown so that he stops injuring himself in the name of an erection.