Cleavage on A&E

I’ve been making an absolute train wreck of my life lately. I haven’t written about it because it’s way too tragic. The grand result is that I’ve stopped going out into public until I work through my issues. That means TV time.

So, wanna watch TV with Glo? I warn you I’m a bit of a chatterbox…

Cleavage….it’s that place where breasts kiss.

I had never thought of cleavage this way. It’s kind of disgusting actually. Yep. Officially icky. It takes “in love with herself” to a very unhealthy level.

The common view is that men pay attention to them and women dress them up, but I think actually women pay as much attention to them as men do.

Amen, sister. I don’t trust a woman without a little breast fascination.

…a medieval wonder bra…

*Sigh* I would look great in a corset. A mere 100 years ago I might have been beautiful. Actually, 50 years ago. I have Jayne Mansfield’s exact measurements. What does that make me now? Too fat for thin clothes and too thin for fat clothes. Tragedy, tragedy, tragedy.

Suddenly, housewives in Idaho are sex stars in their own homes…

Did someone actually meet my mother or was this just a creepy coincidence?

“Self-esteem is kind of deep within our souls, but with lingerie, it’s kind of deep within my clothes.” – Tyra Banks

Perfect moment for a feminist rant. Girls, you are so much more than your breast size or what men think of you. I was talking to a friend about a very inappropriate subject that I won’t delineate. In the end, I asked, “If a woman were on her knees scrubbing the floor for a man who didn’t know her name or like her for anything other than her willingness to clean the floor, you would be outraged and scream sexism. But you fall to your knees at the first hint of his pleasure and call it liberated?” I still don’t get it and not because I’m religious. I don’t get it because I’m a feminist. Women are more than sex toys. It’s not the act that bothers me, but the “woman, get down and give me some” attitude.

Well, that should offend 75% of my readership. Flame me if you must. At least then you’ll have thought about it.

Hugh Hefner

Ahh, Playboy. Hugh did *so* much for women’s causes. Oops, sorry. I forgot I was supposedly past the rant.

The idea that you would put something trendy, permanently, on your body, surgically, just seems like a very bad idea.

It would be hypocritical of me to say that everyone should be happy with their bodies or even to imply that I don’t understand risking death to achieve something you want, but I am certain every woman can learn to be sexy without a knife and anesthesia. I have yet to achieve weight loss and am much less attractive than my friends, but I’m the one that gets hit on in clubs. Sexy is a state of mind.

---Interruption---

My mostly absent roommate showed up right here. The last time we talked, I had announced my complete withdrawal from society, so she was eager for an update. Instead, I gave her the lengthier version of the feminist rants above. I concluded with a rather judgmental decree on silly women who haven’t developed their sense of independence.

She teased, “And your whiny, needy, clingy, terrifying behavior these last two weeks was?”

“Completely awkward, humiliating and irreparable,” I retorted. “Thanks for reminding me.”

Roomie smirked. She’s done that a lot since my downfall. I opened my mouth to remind her that I would soon reinstate my totally awesome chick status, because it takes a totally awesome chick to recognize her failures and not throw herself off a balcony, but her smirk reminded me of the horror of the past 2 weeks and I slunk into the couch just in time to hear:

Britney Spears is really trashy. Amen, sister.

Breastfeeding...

My favorite subject in the whole world! If I were that oh-so-attractive chica 100 years ago, I would have abandoned my wild life of modeling to become a wet nurse. Seriously. It's the most amazing gift you can give a baby. Since I already pissed off everyone with the feminist rant, I will refrain from saying anything else. But I could say a lot. I really love breastfeeding!

I really feel that someday I'm going to be reading Field & Stream and there will be a beautiful model holding a trout with beautiful cleavage showing.

And with that, I realized the show was 2 hours long and I was sleepy. So, I posted this having said nothing at all. In case you were wondering, this entire post was written on a 6th grade level, so that you can share it with pre-adolescents you want to bore to death.

Addendum: I came back from bed prep to hear the following:

I think there are some women who are very smart women who use that part of their body to calm people down, to say 'Look, I'm not that threatening.'..this woman uses her breasts in kind of a fearless, great way: to get information, to distract men, to get to the bottom of things.

Well, now all my secrets have been revealed. I might as well close up shop.