G.Lo and Friends

Due to some comments Cate made yesterday, I have realized that she has forgotten the contract she signed when I accepted her as a friend. The application process was very difficult. It’s a 2-stage process: Step One: Question and Answer (Are you nice? Check yes or no.); Step Two: The Interview (Are you alive?). Somehow, Cate was both nice and alive, so she qualified. However, I doubt she read the small print on her welcome letter. I’ve reproduced the letter here:

Welcome! You are officially my friend.

Signed, 1gloriousconundrum (aka Glo)

This contract limits our liability.

1. Glo has a terrifically bad memory. You are required to repeat the names of all your family members, your favorite foods/colors, and your hobbies at least monthly. She bears no responsibility for renaming your favorite aunt or changing your place of birth.

2. Glo will never call you on your birthday. She barely knows the day of the week, and never predicts the order in which the dates advance. For example, she never thinks that Independence Day will come so quickly in July. As such, it is illogical to believe that your birthday is a set date and not some sort of moving target that jumps about the space-time continuum.

3. If you are very lucky, Glo will remember to call you when she promises to do so. No guarantees are made that the phone call will be returned promptly. As discussed above, time is a bit fluid in Glo’s world.

4. Anything told to Glo, even with forceful language, will bee seen as mere suggestion similar to ‘wash your hands before eating’ and ‘don’t use your sleeve as a kleenex’. Orders to read a certain book, view a particular movie, or perform a specific action will receive only cursory attention. Consider yourself blessed if she even remembers that she promised to do so.

5. Glo’s own love life is so tragically complicated that she cannot possibly grasp the details of yours. She apologizes to Sean for her neglect of his movies and TV projects, and promises (see #4) to someday see everything in the collection (as well as read Lord of Scoundrels).

6. All rules subject to change. Did you really expect anything concrete from this?


So, there you have it. I realize most of you have never actually read the friend contracts you signed, so you may want to whip them out and go over them with a lawyer. May clear some things up for you…

Dear Cate: As you well know, I'm not really this awful. But you are a voracious consumer of media. There is no way I could possibly keep up with your recommendations. You will merely have to satisfy yourself with knowing that someday I will read the books, view the movies, and peruse the magazines you have so kindly suggested. In the meantime, please know how much I apppreciate you and that my inability to keep up in no way implies a lack of respect for you and everything you do. Love, Your pal G.Lo