Some Days Are Just Plain Funny

5:30 am Cursed alarm sounds. I have one of those cool alarm clocks that projects the time, date, and weather onto the ceiling. Armed with that information, I have all the justification I need to sleep for another half hour. This morning it was sunny. Well, no one would expect me to jump out of bed on a beautiful California morning, would they?!

6:42 am Wave down train conductor. “Two days in a row and later each time,” he jokes. I flash that winning smile and hope he keeps stopping for me.

8:45 am First phone call of the day. Apparently, no one else in the office has my smooth answering style, so I pick up the phone. “Clinical Nutrition. This is……” The doctor responds, “Hey! Glad you answered, you’re just the person I wanted.” Of course, I am. You couldn’t possibly have wanted one of the other 7 qualified persons. After 10 minutes of intense conversation, I have to resort to actual work. .

10:00 am My ability to pay attention to only one task is exhausted. I must multi-task or lose focus. The internet browser gets launched. I start 2 patient charts, open the breastfeeding task force project, and pick up the phone. Once I have a good chat going online, a doctor on the phone, and am double charting, I relax. Now I’m really in the flow.

10:30 am Hilarious conversation initiates. Coworker tells about new Tommy Lee reality show involving horticulture. “If you were a tree what tree would you be?” I ask in usual mock gravity. “A cantaloupe tree,” my coworker responds. Then adds, “For the big melons.” I look at her chest and quip, “Perhaps more like a lemon tree.” She flips me off. I am so abused here.

11:00 am Great news! For the hospital celebration, we get t-shirts! A friend and I giggle through the meeting. When our boss announces that we also get hospital pride buttons, we can’t control ourselves. My friend sniggers, “I’ll get here early to make sure I get mine.” Our boss glances at us. “No sarcasm, ladies!” Friend looks accusingly at me. I respond, “Me? Sarcastic? How DARE you accuse me of such things? I am much maligned! My eagerness to have yet another cheap silk screened t-shirt is as genuine as my excitement to pierce it with a hospital pride button.” My boss ducks her head to hide a smile.

3:30 pm Attack of guilt as I realize that I have hijacked no fewer than 4 comment boards. Even Dave Barry’s. I stole Dave Barry’s comments.

4:15 pm Jon refuses to answer my question, thus leaving me with a problem to solve. My office phone springs to life. It’s my mom. She’s laughing outrageously. My sister, who knows everything in the world the moment it happens, has informed her that I have to solve a puzzle. The entire family is in hysterics. “You! Solve a riddle! Yeah, and *quarks can subdivide!” my sister intones. Polo Dude is making sucking noises and choking sounds in the background. That would be the starving brainsucker that he insists is attached to my head. Funny, funny joke that brainsucker. Have loved it since he first had the idea in 7th grade. My mom quiets them, “Children, your sister has an IQ of 118.” A strained silence falls ensues. “Wow. What would it be like to have to live like that?” my sister says in awe. I just love being the normal one in an exceptional family.**

5:20 pm Shuttle driver was late. He was picking up his t-shirt. I understand. My precious bundle is clutched in my hand. Just 17 hours until the button is mine…

7:55 pm How does one justify their 3rd accidental entry to a men’s locker room? Sure, the first and second were understandable, but the 3rd? Good thing I can blush on cue. Also, lucky I blush when completely embarrassed. I guess there are worse places to be humiliated than surrounded by well-muscled, sweaty males with…..anyway, it’s a memory that will linger. But if it happens again, I will either get arrested or have to take one of those guys home with me.

8:00 pm Nothing funny happens in yoga. I did accidentally mistake upward facing dog with cobra pose. The poses look identical except for lower spine alignment. Since I was forward-thinking enough to grow some camouflage over my tailbone, I don’t think anyone noticed.

9:10 pm Home again. My roommates are watching Beauty and the Geek. The guys don’t seem that geeky. The girls don’t seem that beautiful. We question our ability to judge humanity. In the end, we decide that we are attracted to geeks. I announce that I would take the adorable, shy blond under my care. Before long, we have each claimed a geek, been disgusted by the stupid women media expects us to emulate, and switched to CSI: - where they are replaying the episode about S&M. I roll my eyes at yet another group of disturbed yet beautiful women and leave to watch my telenovela.

11:00 Back to bed. I dream that I am stalking celebrities. Perhaps have taken stalking joke too far...


Have a good weekend! I’m off to San Diego, but I’ll be back online Monday morning.


*I have no idea if quarks can subdivide. I never understand what my sister is saying, so I created this comment. Her actual remark was much funnier – but I can't spell big words.
**Most events in my blog are changed to protect the innocent and boring. The brainsucker, however, is real. One day, Polo Dude will have his own blog. Then I will get both my friends to flame him. Boy, will he be sorry about the brainsucker then!