Not Exactly a "Super" Power, But It's All I Got

Note to readers: You may notice a bit of relationship obsession in my blog lately. This isn’t stereotypical female behavior. No. Until very recently, I was a contented, single woman who blithely regarded weddings as a good way to ruin a Saturday. Then Prince Charming and Beauty Queen announced the date of their wedding. Even a completely liberated, modern female will resort to obsessive boyfriend-seeking when faced with the option of going stag to her THIRD sibling wedding.

I’ve finally figured out how to use my powers for good. It’s been an ongoing quest since a conversation I had with my father, a psychologist, several years ago. We were fishing in Alaska and the inevitable conversation regarding my unmarried status occurred.

My father is truly flabbergasted by the fact that I remain single. He predicts my marriage every year. He was busy with this decree when I decided to admit my own failings.

“Dad, I have an unusual gift. I both attract and repel men at the same time. When I’m not interested in them, they follow me around with free stuff and marriage proposals*. But when I actually take them seriously, they run in the opposite direction. I don’t see a way out of this dilemma.”

As a brilliant therapist, my father diagnosed my problem. “Well, you must be changing your behavior when you’re interested, so the key is to be the same regardless of whether you’re interested or not. Then this ‘gift’ of yours won’t be in effect.”

“But, Dad,” I implored. “How will that benefit mankind?”

Okay, so it was more about stopping the conversation than actually helping my fellow man, but the question got me thinking. Certainly, there must be a way to use this strange talent.

The discovery of my true calling came quite by accident. I had stumbled across the LAPD in the middle of yet another SWAT activity. The tall, red-haired captain shook his head when he saw me. “My, my! You certainly show up often at these events.”

“Never met a drama I didn’t assimilate!” I joked. “So, who you after?”

“Kidnapper. Took his two kids.”

“Oh, good looking guy with 2 adorable girls? I just saw him. He bought my train ticket for no apparent reason.”

“Well, supposedly a great guy, good job, kind, loves his kids, good to his mother, and loyal to his wife before she went crazy and took up drug dealing. A real catch if it weren’t for this crazy kidnapping thing.”

He sounded interesting, so I asked, “How long do you get for kidnapping your kids? Any chance he’ll be out before I’m 40?”

The captain looked at me, but before he could swallow his disbelief and answer my question, the perpetrator came running out of hiding. He confessed to the kidnapping, multiple parking discretions, and cheating on his SATs. As they handcuffed him, he looked in my direction and said, “Just promise she won’t visit!”

The captain looked at me inquiringly. I shrugged, “This sort of this happens to me. If I’m interested, they’re booking it out of town.”

The captain and I started a dialogue. With a little more practice, I was able to hone my skills for use with less attractive candidates. I enter their domain, get them to give me free stuff (guns, drugs, whatever) and then only have to think they might be interesting. The mark runs immediately to the police station to request a very lengthy prison sentence or exile to uninhabitable lands.

I am now permanently on the LAPD** payroll, keeping the streets safe one rejection at a time.


*I am the proud recipient of 3 unexpected, unwanted marriage proposals. It’s probably not a record, but it’s certainly noteworthy.

**I know they ‘look’ inept and pistol-happy to the average newspaper reader, but that’s really our clever cover story. Can’t have the public knowing that one slightly attractive female is responsible for saving the streets. Thanks to our governor, I can’t afford the lawyer and/or publicist I would need to get me through that kind of attention.