And I can't resist bragging...
He's notably more beautiful than either of his parents, but we're absolutely certain he's ours. We were there at his birth. As for his birth, it was quite the drama. My "labor" started on Wednesday (see last post). I had regular contractions that grew in strength but remained about 4 minutes apart. After I terrified an entire movie theater full of people by going into full labor during a showing of Invictus (great movie - good for contractions), my water finally broke and I knew I would get to have a baby. However, 12 hours later, I still had made no progress towards birth.
My nurse put me on my stomach to labor - a position that could be used as a torture device if the Geneva convention didn't exist - and we started Pitocin. Another 6 hours passed with no change. At that point, I lost my "au natural" tolerance. I had been in labor for 4 days and the pain had changed from tolerable to scary. I asked the nurse for an epidural and she quietly told me that I didn't need an epidural, I needed a doctor. I started to cry since I knew that meant that the only prayer not answered as we'd requested was for a natural, vaginal birth. The doctor arrived and told me the reality of the situation - neither baby nor mom could wait any longer. I needed a C-section.
It was the hardest choice of my life thus far but as I watched my baby's heartrate decline with each augmented contraction, my medical mind faced reality. 100 years earlier, women and babies in my position didn't have good outcomes. I needed to be a mom and do the right thing for my baby. So, I was off to an operating room.
As the doctor opened up the uterus, he declared, "That's a large head!" My medical self immediately panicked, "What is it?! Hydrocephalus? Megalocephaly?! Is he ok?!" The doctor laughed, "Actually, it's not that big when you see the rest of him." He pulled my 9 pound 14 ounce baby out and he screamed with healthy lungs. He is perfect and alive and here and everything I hoped. I am a truly blessed mama.
I mourn the loss of a vaginal delivery. I can't watch birth stories without dissolving into tears. I feel that I failed somehow and yet I know that I made the only possible choice in the moment. To quote Jean Valjean, "If there's another way to go, I missed it [long] ago." So, this is my baby's birth story. I'm grateful to have him, to breastfeed him, to love him, and to raise him. That's my concentration.
5 comments:
Congratulations! He's beautiful! I'm glad you and him made it through okay, even if you couldn't have a vaginal delivery.
What's his name?
So glad he's well & so glad you are too. I'm sorry things didn't go as planned. I bet that was (and is) hard. He's beautiful!! Congrats again, my friend!
He's beautiful! Congrats!
Congratulations on your beautiful, healthy son, and on surviving such an ordeal with your good humor in tact. I am sure that was rough. You are, as ever, a strong, brave woman and I can't wait to see you and meet the little one!
annewithane said:
The joy of your beautiful son will soon replace the loss, and you might even try for a VBAC next time, which will erase all thoughts of missing something. Knock me out and bring the flowers any day! Seriously though - do NOT think you have not given birth. You made the only right and responsible decision any mother would - the health of your unborn baby and yourself came first.You now have the time to work through your loss - which was not the loss of your son. I had an emergency c-section 21 years ago this month to give birth to my son. I lost out on enjoying his first few months by being depressed that I hadn't given birth and the fear that he might have died, or I might. I got some help...and went on to try for another baby...who didn't come along for 5½ years. My children are my joy - not how I gave birth. Don't miss out - one moment - they get to be big, too quick!
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