James Spader Returns to Dreamland!

This post resurrected after nearly 2 weeks...





It's been a long time since I had one of my strangely present dreams turned daydream involving my favorite celebrity. I'm not sure if this one is funny or just plain weird. Could it possibly be weirder than the baseball dream last year? That portentous dream could, possibly, win awards.

As usual, my dreams have much more to do with what I did just before falling asleep than with any aspect of real or imagined sleep-prescience. I was still annoyed about my coworker and couldn't sleep last night. So, I turned on Boston Legal while I half-read the Stephanie Meyers book, Eclipse. As the last of her trilogy about teenage vampire love, the book reads like Romeo & Juliet on stupid pills. I can't believe I've found something else to put me in the minority but the heroine in the book just bugs the life out of me. I feel hypocritical because I know that if ever anyone could end up with a controlling vampire boyfriend, it would be me - because I've pretty much been there, done that to the tune of ending up a cold, lifeless creature with a nasty temper. So, I have no room to criticize and will read the book for Book Club and listen to everyone else gush about it while I wonder how it's possible that anyone could make Buffy look like a thriving young adult with good moral fiber.


In my very, very realistic dream, I was on my mission again as a 21-year-old young woman. My companion in the mission was a previously troubled young woman but we seemed to get along well. I had all the same problems that plagued me as a real-world missionary - I don't like to tell people what to do and I get hot-headed when attacked. However, I was not the problem missionary in this pair. No - it was my companion, who had a strange affinity for a family on the outskirts of town who lived in this big house and were rarely seen in the daylight. I thought her attraction to the youngest son was worrisome and we argued about it as we left the apartment one day.


I stopped to read the newspaper headlines. When I looked up, my flighty companion was roaring off with the inappropriate son. At this point, I recognized her as Bella from the silly book and I sighed, "Oh no. Not another vampire dream."

I went back into the store and called a friend to come and get me. I waited outside and, soon, a black Toyota pulled into the lot with a baby seat in the back and a man with glasses waved at me. I collected my things and crossed to the car, quickly coming to the realization who had been sent.

"James! I didn't expect to see you here!" I'll admit my mind raced with possibilities until I remembered the baby seat. I glanced at the steering wheel to verify the wedding ring.

"Oh suckage! I have the worst luck lately! But I totally thought you were gay in all my other dreams."


I felt embarrassed, so I changed my tone, "So, enough about me. Why are you okay with the whole dream world thinking you're homosexual when you're not? Though maybe you are, in the real world. I find this all very confusing - but why the big reveal?"



"Oh - it's much easier to hide behind a socially-approved lie than reveal an undesirable truth, wouldn't you agree? I don't want everyone knowing about James, the midwestern father of 4."

"Four. Wow. Impressive. I never would have guessed."

I shrugged. I was feeling guilty about being a surly member of a great organization just because I wanted to be liked and for thinking many, many mean thoughts about the silly ex-companion who had ditched me for her vampire lover. James seemed to sense my unrest.

"So long as you remain unarmed, the world will survive your temper."

"Not comforting, James. I can't believe you're STRAIGHT in this dream but MARRIED to someone else. What the hell is wrong with my psyche?!"

James shrugged as he usually does when I dream-rant. "While I certainly find the situation regrettable, I am enormously relieved not to have been dreamed a vampire."

I switched topics, "Yeah, what's wrong with that girl? Who thinks it's okay to kill a few people just to be with your one true? How is it possible that any pair of teenagers has helped make Romeo and Juliet look like cool-headed, rational, well-meaning lovers?!"

James chuckled. "Someday, you really should consider learning the difference between reality and fiction. In the meantime, suppose you tell me what's really bothering you."

We began to converse. I've begun to realize that James dreams are really just an excuse for my psyche to talk to itself in the midst of stress. I suppose if you're going to have a split personality, you couldn't do much better than James Spader. I missed the other personas, though - Chris Walken and William Shatner were such amusing additions but they've been gone for almost 2 years...I guess I learned everything there was to know about shoes and humor in poor taste...ha ha.

I awoke with an awareness that if I ever learn to distiguish fact and fiction, my dreamscape will be a good deal less fun. I'm still annoyed that I dreamed heterosexual James Spader married. Really - what's up with that?!