Happy Deathiversary to Me!

It's the Deathiversary of my vanity. Last year, I went on the momentous date that resulted in the collapse of everything I had ever believed about myself. Yay me! So, I'm pouty, pissy, and pained. I've decided to take all of that out on General Hospital.

To the writers of General Hospital:

For that I dreamed all day?! For that I rushed home to my Tivo?! For that I felt hopeful?!

Here's a tip: One of the joys of having only marginally talented actors on board is that they can't sell a poorly written scene. So, if the actors can't act it - it means the scene needs rewritten. Yes, that's right - when your marginally talented actors are handed something that feels real to them, it shines; otherwise, it's a load of annoying crap on my TV. Every time. Because they're not Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton who could sell lines about the romance of heaving paydirt (which they did, metaphorically, on their new sitcom - great actors, not much material). No, your actors can only portray complete honesty. So, it's easy to write well for them. You just have them run the lines. Write a scene. Have them run it. If it sucks, the scene is wrong. Start over. When you hit realism, when you get gold, then the scene will work.

I got an A in my college acting class not for my talent - I'm awful. However, the teacher couldn't fail someone who always knew how to get the best out of the rest. I was sought after during practice hours for one thing - I know human truth. My gift for understanding character - if I said it was good, it was good. If it felt unreal, it was unreal. And I have one thing to say, GH - the junk you make Burton and Herbst say and do - it's junk. They know what's real for their characters because they can only act truth - they're not good enough to make crap look attractive. Watch all the scenes you've given them together in the past 6 months - you'll see when they were given character truth. It shows.

Oh, and while I'm ranting after wasting 40 minutes of a crappy day on something that was supposed to make me happy - the "czar" of ABC daytime is wrong - it's not Jason who needs to change for Elizabeth - it's the other way. Liz lost herself years ago and she's only just realizing it. The birth of Jake has already changed Jason. Now it's Liz's turn. I think you're FOOLS to pass up a really great, compelling story full of human realism, harsh truth, and love - but that may be what you get when your entire staff of plot consultants and writers wish they were on 24! Don't get me wrong - I think 80% of last week was amazing and wonderful and I love what you're doing with the Zacchara and Corinthos war, Night Shift's plot with Lainey, Nicholas going violent, the amazing and wonderful return of the Quartermaines, Epiphany the goddess of the hospital, and even Robin choosing single motherhood - but passing by this really lovely story of human growth and failing just makes me scream. Literally.

And that's why you would really do well to hire me as a consultant, by the way. I won't promise to be nice...if I did, my real life assistant would feel quite annoyed at the special treatment I gave you. I have high standards. You'd really benefit. (sic - making fun of myself for being a crazy fan. And since I'm growing obsessed and it's ever-more obvious that GH is going to disappoint me once again, it's time I deleted the Season Pass - soon, the decision to stop watching GH is akin to a breakup with a dear friend you really want to love but just can't trust and so it takes time to ease into the idea of saying goodbye - and went back to regular TV. On that note, big article in the LA Times about *gasp* the idea that allowing people to watch online might be a way to diversify viewing. You're a bit late to the party, dear TV networks, but welcome to the Brave New World anyway. Al Gore has created the Internet and the we all went global. It's okay. Take a moment to breathe in the new millenium.)

As for the unfortunate readers, never say I didn't give you anything:

I told you. One bad perm and it'd be Cruel Summer all over again...