Not long after the last post...

Part of the change in my job over the past year has included the acquisition of the world's best personal assistant. She makes my life possible. Sometimes, I'll only be thinking that I want her to do something when she shows up with the completed project. I suppose I need to find out when Administrative Professionals day is scheduled this year and buy her a heap-big gift.

Anyway, I was sitting in my office when the Assistant arrived to do some filing. (Out of nowhere. Just as I'd piled about 4 mountains worth of charts on the cabinet rather than filing them myself. A miracle, I tell you, a true miracle. Yet I digress...) She hums a bit as she files. (Seriously, where did I find her?!) We chatted for a minute. Then she asked me what had happened last October.

Last October is the elephant in the room at work. Everyone knows that I went from flying happy to barely functional. Every one knows that one day I announced to my friends that my boyfriend and I would probably get married in December. And everyone knows I didn't get married but instead spiraled into sobs and cried off my makeup by 8:30 each morning.

Few have dared ask for the details. I've given them my blythe line about his not being who he seemed to be or told them he was cheating. But a few weeks ago, I decided to stop lying and pretending and to just be honest. So, instead of shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Oh, in a few short weeks I lost my childhood home, my cat, and my boyfriend" as I normally do, I started the paragraph correctly.

I turned around (this is a conversation that can only be told - and only ever will be told - face to fac3). "Last October, I discovered that the great guy I was going to marry could also be a violent and terrifying person who didn't like the word no and lived several lives at the same time."

Now, that's all I feel comfortable sharing with the anonymous public. Suffice it to say that I've had a lot to deal with this year. In the beginning, I stayed quiet to protect him. Then I wanted to protect myself. The fallout would make fans of General Hospital shake their heads in disbelief and write "the screenwriters suck" all over the Internet. But it happened to me anyway, regardless of how lame the plot.

I told my assistant the story free from embellishment or emotion. In the end, she nodded and said, "Are you okay now?"

I laughed. I am okay. She wouldn't have dared ask otherwise. Everyone at work has noticed. They've commented that "my laughter is back." I imagine more people will begin to ask for details. I apologize to them and to everyone else in my life. I don't rebound quickly and I'm sorry that innocent people had to struggle through each mini-mourning period over the past year. I thank those who toughed it out - and, as always, want to praise my sister above all because she had to live with me. (I'm not sure what god she offended in a past life to get me as a sister, but, alas, what's done is done...here's hoping she has earned a nice life as a lazy housecat next time around.)

The Assistant didn't pretend to be impressed with my bravery or any such thing. She just nodded. A few minutes later, I told her I appreciated that response.

"There's nothing honorable about anything I've done or said in years," I said and I meant it. I've been a completely foolish human being. My shame and embarrassment are complete.

Given that she works for me, she disagreed (smart woman) and said that she understands how painful and difficult relationships can be.

I hope she believed that I've done nothing respectable. I may have survived a lot, but 80% of it was my own stupidity in the making. As the gurus will say, I manifested my own destiny. The real heroes of this world are the ones who walk through life creating beauty, kindness, and stability despite the world's topsy-turvy nature. Drama queens only get what they seek - a helluva lot of drama, loneliness, fear, and pain.

My assistant went back to humming and filing. I learn more from her every day.