It's time to admit it. I just can't do witty posting anymore. So, I've decided to resume the "web log" approach to life. It may not be interesting but it's my life. Written here. In barely passable grammar.
At present, things are moving along. Work. Family. Oh - my computer is broken, so I'm back to only being online at work.
My sister's family and I are moving to a new rental home. I like it...better said, it's growing on me. The house is very beige. Our current house is this little cottage. It's green and set amidst flowers. The inside is painted green, too. It's colorful. I love it. I've loved it from the day I saw it (I had food poisoning at the time and I still loved it.) So, I am going to take some time learning to love the beige-ness of the new house.
BUT there's this fabulous closet.
When I was small, my best friend and I spent every weekend together. At her house, there was this amazing coat closet. It was deep and in the very back, there was this awesome bench. It was our secret hideout. We'd go inside and make our plans. We could be anyone in that closet. We were hiding from monsters or bad guys or raising families, or running a restaurant or teaching at school. Anything. That bench was the spot of our best dreams. The house we're moving into has an identical closet - I couldn't believe it!
I wasted no time teaching the children the joys of the closet. We have a secret password to enter the closet and a way to close it off to grown ups. We put on disguises when we go out. I become a "grown up" and they are something imaginative - like a Deep Sea Diver and a pony. When we need to talk, we run back to the closet. I can't believe a closet still holds magic.
Work remains very busy. Per my productivity reports, I spend no fewer than 50 hours per week on my job. And it needs more. I now supervise 2 people and sit on a hospital committee. It's funny. I feel like such a child but I have a great deal of responsibility.
Had a brief moment of self-pity when I realized how little my "friendship" is missed by many. oh well. I suppose I was addicted to myself and my drama. I must have been exceedingly tiresome. I have, as the gurus said, manifested my own destiny. I say that without sadness, actually. I can't imagine finding the energy to keep up what I used to do. I have very few friends now. We've stuck it through the good and bad times. Occasionally, I'm lousy to them. Sometimes, they're lousy to me. But we wake up each morning and are still connected. That means more to me than a million fair-weather fans.
My mom gave me sage advice a few years ago. I was bragging about my new-found popularity. She listened. Then she said, "Right now, this feels wonderful to you. And I understand why you need it. But it's not really you. You're quieter. You don't grandstand this much or enjoy this much attention. And as you get older, you'll go back to being that person and find that it's not quite so awful as it's always felt."
I think she's right. I'm invisible now and it's kinda pleasant. I do what I need to do. The kids at the hospital benefit but no one will remember me when I'm gone. The pressure is off. It's nice.
Doesn't mean it doesn't sting when I realize my own dispenability. Doesn't mean I don't feel sad when I realize the loving clamourers no longer clamour (and that their praise was just a bit false). It just means I don't feel so desperate to please all the time.
And that's nice.
It gives me more time to be addicted to General Hospital....I am so mad at Elizabeth and Jason for all their lies and stupidity. I played a bit on the boards to express my views but then I got pissed at the teenagers for over-satisfying mean girl tendencies with anonymous strangers. Honestly. Can we possibly get past this particular phase in society? A little kindness can go a long way. General Hospital storylines will come and go - but the way we treat others will be with us forever. I've decided that mean girl behavior is really just a way to maintain a carefully constructed life schema. By driving out all differing opinions, the world seems more certain and less ever-changing. You can be convinced you're safe when no one is ever permitted to contradict or challenge you. Mean girls don't learn too much. They don't understand. And they maintain a carefully constructed outer wall. It's really tempting, I suppose, to feel powerful and inmitigable....to never have to see beyond your own designer glasses.
That reminds me - I love Disney Channel. We watched High School Musical 2 over the weekend. I thought of all the girls addicted to HS1 and HS2 - and I had hope for the future. Maybe the 80s generation was obsessed with high school and now can't seem to grow up, get married, and get a real job. Maybe the 90s generation thinks porn and jailtime is HOT, but the 00s are being raised on the Disney Channel - all that innocence can't be lost, can it? I hope not.
5 comments:
good to have you back.
i had a closet too. we used to pretend narnia was on the other side.
Of course we are still connected. We always will be - don't ever doubt it.
BTW, you are fab and talented and hilarious.
BBTW, I envy you that closet.
You Rock Glo, I think that was 80's. It is great to read "you" again in this post.
The friends you have now are the best kind, the kind that's really family, only without the blood relation.
I had a closet, three. Only we used to climb up and sit on the shelf above the hanging space and hide from everyone.
And - I need to see HSM2! When are they reshowing it? Must check the website. I had forgotten the significance of last weekend. Bad me.
But, but we LOVE this kind of post! This is so YOU and we LOVE you!
I was raised on General Hospital.. my grandmother would turn on the soaps every afternoon and soon the characters of Luke, Laura, Bobbie, and the sage nurse, Audrey.. back when she was the focus of all story lines.
How we loved Frisco and Felicia, Robert, Anna, and Sean. Yeah, those were the days.
But, I digress. It is so good to have you back.
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