Why, yes, I DO golf...

Last Saturday, I took off with a galpal for a good game of golf. Well, she had a good game of golf. I played badly. It's my favorite way to play and why change a good thing?!

I had purchased a new putter. Here was my strategy for choosing the best club: I stumbled across the sports section at Wal-Mart while looking for Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and thought, "Hm. I could use a new putter." Then I looked for that lovely roll-back label and picked myself up the most-likely-worst in discount putters. And I got a lot of discount putting out of that thing. I didn't complete a green in fewer than 5 putts. On a par 3 course. (Yes, golf fanatics, you may groan.)

I decided it just wasn't a green game for me. So, I pulled out my 5-iron and overshot the green so badly that I landed halfway up the next hole. "Woo! That's some power!" I said proudly, until the ball bounced back into the water I'd craftily avoided earlier in the game. Then I doubled over with giggles.

At this point, my friend glanced up from teeing her ball (and doing all that doo-dad check-the-wind stuff good golfers do) to shake her head at me. "I'm lousy," I announced. I saw her desperately grasp for a positive comment. Then I laughed harder. She fell silent, I followed suit, and she hit a perfect 9-iron shot to the edge of the green. "Sure," I said. "Lots of people do that. But it takes real skill to miss the hole completely AND find your way back to the water." She just shook her head and asked if I was going to keep score. Boy! That made me laugh!

My friend ignored me and launched an animated ramble about her goals of beating her dad one day in the family grudge match. I listened politely but realized I have no such illusions - and probably wouldn't make that a goal even if I had any talent whatsoever for the sport. I have so little competitive edge that I scare myself. I just play badly. Maybe one day I'll play better. I don't even keep score when I'm playing - if someone else wants to scratch the pad, I won't ruin their jolly, but, really, I'm terrible, why would I care to know just how that compares with par??

In the meantime, golf remains a great way to be outside and enjoy nice weather with good friends. I really don't see any point to ruin it with sportsmanship.

(Aside: Don't get me wrong. I like to win when I can. I'll even pout in order to make others play worse so I can win. I'm not above that. I'll even temper tantrum if necessary to appease my ego. But to legitimately win...well, that just takes me a really long time to pull off, so I keep the other strategies in order to maintain vain appearances while I become something other than....well, to be honest...awful.)