******MAJOR SPOILER ALERT***********
Scene 1: Jack blows me up
Glo: aaaack! Aaaack! Jack! You blew me up!
Jack: I'm sorry. I have to go and arrest my family now. You better put something on those burns.
Glo: Aaack! Chloe, previously my favorite character and one of the most unique women on TV, help me! I need medical attention!
Chloe: I have a really weird plotline this season that has made me both weaker and less believable. Gee, I love the writers! Oops...Glo....they, like Omar, have written you out of the plot through a freakishly violent death. Better luck next time!
Glo: silence. Her blood oozes onto the TV screen.
Jack: Boy, my family sure is wack!
Jack's brother: Woo-ey! We are one wack Jack pack!
Jack's dad: Jack, off your brother. He's short and doesn't look like you at all. I'm pretty sure your mother...
Jack: Yeah, mom sure was wack.
Jack's brother: gurgle, gurgle
Jack's dad: Great. Now Jack will have exactly 45 seconds of mental distress before he shoots something and all is resolved before the next torture sequence.
Jack: You took up a whole 15 seconds! Why is it never just about me?! Does no one care about my pain?
Jack's dad: Damn. I should have told them to off each other. Then I'd finally have some peace to plot maniacally. I hate being a father.
Jack's love interest: I'm a bimbo. All the female writers quit after they offed Teri in the first season while she was pregnant. Now it's all dumb girls....look at me! I'm so dumb! I cause people to die!
A special insert by Glo:
Dear writers of 24,
For the love of mercy, please find someone who has MET an actual woman and can wield a pen on her behalf. To help you with this endeavor, I have written a smattering of real woman conversation in a scene I just watched. Please observe and seek a writer who can somewhat understand why this is better writing than your absolutely ridiculous character choices.
Love interest:
Jack: No. We just stole it, I thought. Why do you ask?
Love Interest: Well,...that was a strange phone call, Jack. Your father just asked me to misdirect you. He claims he has my child. Jack, I'm a bit frightened for my son. Do you think we could utilize, I don't know, the entire U.S. government to bring down the terrorist and rescue my child? I'm sure we could double-play this somehow using the incorrect address he just provided.
Jack: Wow. That's a really great idea. Of course, now the writers will have to come up with a different way to have me flinging explosives this episode, but you're right - I've saved the world several times over and CTU will coordinate with the FBI to save your child. Why don't you tell me that fake address so we can get the ruse in place?
Love interest: Sure. And if it's okay with you, I'll go somewhere safe so that my son will have a mother to come home to. Not that you're not attractive, but I have a responsibility to that child. If you ever stop being hell-bent on self-destruction, we could do dinner sometime.
Jack: That would be nice. Now I have to save the world. Your son will be returned in 1.35 episodes.
Dear writers, did you see that? Did you notice how the woman had brain cells, interpretive capability, and contributed more than sad eyes to the scene? Did you notice she had depth? I would really, truly appreciate seeing some depth in a woman on-screen. You've ruined Chloe, too, this season, so I don't hold out much hope....but I'm optimistic that by season 37, you'll have at least one woman with an IQ above 45.
Love, Glo
Jack: What about me? Does no one care about me? I just killed my brother:
Dumb chick: runs into a tree for no apparent reason
Jack's dad: I'm evil! I'm e-e-e-e-vil!
Jack: Ah, man....we're only halfway through the season. I'd better go and kill someone. That 45 seconds of humanity really brought down my kill count.
So, there you have it. A review of 24 this year. Personally, I think I'd make an awesome screenwriter. If you disagree, well, I'll just have to die violently in a film near you!
To close, an actual quote from my shoebox: Average number of contents 2. Ponder that, dear reader.
8 comments:
(double post?)
I'm a big 24 fan, and while I think most of what you wrote is true, I strongly disagree with the parts about the women on the show. This is a show about a government agent who kills lots of people and blows lots of stuff up. This is NOT a show about strong, intelligent women. It's about Jack. And killing. Don't try to make this about women. I don't go watching "Gilmore Girls" complaining that there's not enough gunfire, do I? No.
For the record, I've never watched "Gilmore Girls."
Yes, quite obviously you haven't seen Gilmore Girls or you would have noted the obvious flaw in your argument. For, while GG may be mainly a show about a mother and daughter, it has not chosen to denigrate an entire group by casting all non-mothers and daughters as barely functioning idiots. There are interesting men, women, children, etc - all races are given both stereotypical and non-stereotypical characteristics. In short, it's a show with a good writer.
24 is a show with a good pyrotechnician. I'm not saying I don't appreciate it - I just wish they'd write women out completely rather than portray them as complete imbeciles. Plus - I've met a few women handy with a firearm...I think we could contribute without ruining the bood and torture aspect of the show.
Glo - in spite of the fact that Omar wants to be Jack Bauer, I have to agree with you. This season is just a little, oh I don't know... not as good.
I hate his brother. I hate his dad. I hate pretty much everyone except Jack, and even Jack needs to get a life.
Did I really just write that?
I am going to watch this one on DVD.
My argument only made one assumption: Gilmore Girls does not involve a lot of gunfire. Unless that's not true, my original statements stand.
24 is about plot twists, guns, bombs, and very poor government hiring practices (there is ALWAYS a mole). It is not about gender equality.
Bauer for President!
Sincerely,
Devil's Advocate
Why does he never have to go to the bathroom? Does the heat from all those explosions simply sweat the toxins out of him? Is his bladder unusually large? I think that would make for an interesting plotline.
Don't dumb chicks always run into trees?
I'm more of a Heros fan anyway. Plenty of dumb chicks and stupid guys to run into trees.
Wow. You would be an awesome screenwriter. I'm not getting anything that explains why you watch the show, though, Glo. (Couldn't resist that. Sorry.)
"Jack, off your brother"
Take away that comma, and it becomes a very different show, doesn't it?
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