Last night, my toxins attacked. They don't really want to be released. They like it in my body. It's big, airy, fluffy...a very nice home for toxins.
I woke up this morning with intestines so inflamed they feel like rocks, sores all over my mouth, and a slight fever. I'm absolutely miserable. So, The Master Cleanse had to go away. I know - I'm Poland. I just rolled over and let the toxins win. But my stomach hurts so badly I can barely sit.
Plus, I ganed FOUR POUNDS on this stupid thing, thus proving I CAN gain weight without Calories. TAKE THAT, oppressive late-night diet gurus!!
Since Cate posted a conversation, I thought I'd follow suit by posting a bit of the conversation I had with a doctor about possible cures for my toxin siege of the intestines.
MD: Let me get this straight - you went 48 hours with lemonade as your main staple and you're wondering why your stomach hurts?
Me: No. I'm perfectly aware that my stomach hurts because I halted peristalsis and have retained stool, possibly even a blockage. I want to know what to do now.
MD: Take two laxatives and call a therapist in the morning.
Me: Clever Is there something you could add to the lemonade to make this not happen?
MD: Yeah. Food.
Me: Ha ha.
9 comments:
The MD's almost as sharp as you are.
Almost.
I don't know about the cleanse, it sounds too scarey. I really would liked the diet plan with the ice cream at night. That was great. How about a cleansing with Ben and Jerry's?
Oh, sweetie - I'm sorry! I'm totally into all the herbal, organic gobeldy-gook and I would have fallen for it too. But it does make you wonder what would have happened if you squeezed your own lemons... ;)
Now go EAT!
January 12, 2007: Dear Diary,
Today I read a blog post that involved a recipe that includes Ex-lax, intestinal blockages, and mouth sores.
I don't really have anything else to say.
Bet you'll never do that again! "...halted peristalsis and have retained stool, possibly even a blockage...."- can turn into gangrene of the intestine, which can lead to death (it happened to someone I know- not from the "Master Cleanse", but still). Be careful! EAT!
I like food. Move to Europe where they eat less crap.
I'm feeling much better, thanks. It took almost as long to cure the detox as it took to detox. Oh, well - I'm sure it was the lack of fresh squeezed lemons. And, like I said, I'm in this "try everything" phase, so I'm certain I'll do something stupid again tomorrow :)
I need to lose 5lbs before my ob appointment tomorrow. I'm thinking a mixture of prune juice, castor oil, and metamucil would work. Take my word for it, Castor oil is a realllllly good laxative. I once drank a cupful straight, to induce labor. Instead of a baby, I had diarrhea for days. I wouldn't recommend drinking it straight. It tastes like melted vaseline. Drink it with orange juice, then follow it with a candy bar chaser. You can tell I'm not a dietician.
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