A Letter to Her Drunken Adulterer

Dear Sean,

I haven't much sense of humor these days, so let me cut to the chase - I don't like you. I coined the phrase 'drunken adulterer' not because I thought it funny, but because it so accurately described you. My beloved Cate is too good for you.

You guffaw. Allow me to make my case:

Now I've posted that awful picture on the Internet, so first I need to apologize for causing the screaming of frightened children, the sharp and perilous inhales of the elderly, and the near-fatal collapse of capitalism as the galloping hoardes suddenly sell back all your movies and beg FOX not to release your television show.

Sean - you look awful. You look near-death. You look like you refuse to believe you're nearing 50. Exactly how much alcohol and tobacco was in your system at the time? And have you checked your liver lately? There are definite signs of cirrhosis.

This letter is not about you. I merely got sidetracked by how much I enjoy pointing out your failings. I apologize. It's beneath me. The only thing worse would be an all-out pub brawl where I throw things. Though I see much joy in that as well. Let me know if you're up to it. Perhaps there is no too-low to the depths I'll descend to save dearest Cate from a drunken adulterer like yourself.

Without further explanation, here are several reasons Cate is too good for you:

1. Her age spots have not even formed while yours have migrated to visible areas.

2. She washes her hair semi-regularly. And she would never get such bad hair plugs. Cate would go bald quite naturally and with grace.

3. Cate has style, grace and class, unlike the Vegas-style Tequila Barbie you typically drape over your palsied arm.

4. Although I'm assured Cate was once an adolescent, she got over that by age 20.

5. Charm. Cate has it in droves. Constant charm. She's so charming that she's adorable. You have money. Huh. Even just saying it isn't charming. Although that wouldn't stop me from letting you buy me a yacht.

6. Loyalty. Family values. An awareness that marriage is more than getting free maid/hooker services and a kid or two. Arcane, isn't it?!

7. Cate would never sign up to film in Los Angeles for years and years when her child was struggling with chronic illness. But she also wouldn't smoke herself to death or cheat on a spouse - so once again - she's just too darn good for you.

So - Sean - should you be wondering what the point of this letter might be - allow me to tell you that I have found Cate a much better match. A hot noodle guy with a good job, cute face, and similar taste in music who is full of kindness and loyalty. I'm afraid she'll have to dump you soon. Very soon. The Oscars are but 2 weeks away and I have sharpened my pencil, honed my inner Hollywood eye, and prepared my lists.

I suppose you could try and deserve her. Maybe. If you cleaned up and got a liver transplant or something similar. But I'm afraid it's hopeless. As soon as she gets some Hot Canoodle, she'll barely remember your name. You're better off where you are. You and Tequila Barbie seem a match made in high school. I'm sure you'll be eternally annoying together.

Best wishes. May your dialysis nurse be patient as she tries to break through those roughened veins.

Snarkily and with no intended disrespect -

Glo