I'm in recovery from all my acknowledgment of seriousness yesterday, so I thought I'd write a bunch of random nonsense that passed through my head today.
Tragedy! The sign that once read “Adult Books, Movies, DVDs, magazines. Lawyers.” has now lost its lawyer. Does this mean the end of one-stop shopping?!
Now for a very special neurotic rant: I decided to torture myself by perusing Maxim and then watching America’s Next Top Model in order to list all the plastic surgery I would need to be even half as perfect as the mostly-naked women considered "hot". Then I started to make fun. “Come in you half-naked, inhumanly thin genetic aberration and I will criticize you. Your thighs, so miniscule that they make toothpicks contemplate liposuction...your arms, so tiny that fiberglass filament threatens suicide at the sight...your bottom, so flat that I can determine the exact shape of your tailbone, indicates to me you may still have enough nauseating fat left to produce sufficient estrogen for orgasm! You must give up all inhaling to avoid dust Calories. Horrifically fat people such as you deserve lives of drug-induced hopelessness and abusive relationships. I hope that everyone who is watching knows that since they are fatter than you, then they, too, will never know happiness.” Then I bought a lot of vitamins. I'm not sure how that was supposed to help, but I felt empowered.
Truest thing I said today: [to Cate] “I don’t find Sean [Bean] all that attractive, but it wouldn’t stop me from doing him over beef.” A good steak is worth a lot to me.
Advertisment to ponder: [from a poster for Trojan products] “Trojan for home. Trojan for office. Trojan for transportation.” Whoa! Isn’t the point of Trojan to stop transportation?! I suddenly lost faith in the world of condoms. I don’t think they know what they’re supposed to be designing.
Off to bed. Maybe I'll be logical tomorrow. Maybe not. It's all in the packaging...
12 comments:
Wow, Glo. -Looks like I'm not the only one that had a rough day, huh? I think I'll have to drag you out for some chocolate and... okay, that's about as far as I got. Phooey. Well, it's a start. -And then we can gripe together about all the disgustingly hot people. (Yer not the only one that's somewhat miffed lately.) But on the plus side to things, I got to be first! Yay me, huh? Don't worry, my next post will actually be funny. -I think.
Do you see? Does everyone see?! My man is so HOTT that even my best friend, who doesn't find him all that attractive, would do him (if he cooked her a dinner of filet mignon in burgundy mushroom sauce). Thank goodness (for the sake of our friendship) this will remain a hypothetical.
Based on Cate's comment I totally misunderstood the phrase "over beef."
Yeah. The double entendre was pretty thick there....anyway, I would do Sean if he made me premium quality filet mignon, even if it cost me a friendship. It's just a reality Cate and I have to face.
Well, grendel, glad to see you're alive and kicking. And that I'm not alone in my grumbling...we'll both bounce back, right?
It boggles my mind that the sexual ideal is an asexual woman....but I'm resisting the feminist rant.
My favorite line..."your bottom, so flat that I can determine the exact shape of your tailbone, indicates to me you may still have enough nauseating fat left to produce sufficient estrogen for orgasm!" Love it!
Glad I wasn't the only one a tad startled by that "over beef" line. Sounds messy.
Is that a real Trojan ad? Talk about making no sense...
I'm leaving the line just because it's shocking people. That makes me laugh as much as the original statement's intent.
Yes, it's a real ad.
Way to think outside the bedroom, Dem....but your inner adolescent girl is really showing lately ;)
i don't get the trojan ad either.
so confusing!
logical is HIGHLY overrated!
HMMM. Steak? Huh, lessee... *dons a lopsided chef's hat while thumbing through a cookbook* It's GOT to be in here somewhere! Or I'll just look through old Muppets reruns and see what the Swedish Chef has to say about it. Now where did I put that blunderbuss? He almost always used a blunderbuss... -or I could always provide muffins instead... hmm... thinking, thinking....
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