4 hrs 35 minutes on a plane

The 405 was packed at 5:30 a.m. I believe California has a policy that if we don’t use our freeways, we will lose them. This applies 24 hours a day. Therefore, traffic never surprises me, but it does infuriate. Californians have a policy to drive angry at all times.

I arrived at the airport barely cognizant but emotionally charged. In the security line (where I did not have to strip…what was UP with that chick last time?!), I stood behind 2 women going home to Wisconsin who kept commenting about the unexpected nature of the line. Mentally, I narrated a bitter tirade against unrealistic expectations. LA has 30 million people. If even ½ of 1% choose to do what you’re going to do, there will be 15,000 people waiting in line. Accept it, grasshopper.

75 minutes later, I settled into my seat, eager for a cheesy snack and equally cheesy movie. The snacks? Awful. Whoever thought baked cheese pita crackers a good idea needed medication. The strong kind. But the movie? Excellent.

Bewitched is a movie about LA for Los Angelinos as evidenced by these 2 lines:

#1: “Actors look normal, sometimes better than normal, but deep down there is no deep down.”

#2: “You seem sweet and unkempt and troubled. I find the fact that you’re a complete mess very compelling. It moves me.”

LA is a place where the real and the unreal coexist perfectly by practicing the rule of ignorance: what I don’t see doesn’t exist. Stars invest considerable funds in the woes of Africa but ignore the rising poverty and hunger in their own backyards, while we, the impoverished, disregard CelebrityLand. In the end, we are all happily unaware of anything outside our own sphere. Bewitched addresses all that beautiful non-reality.

Just after the movie, I needed to use the restroom. I stood up but my pants didn’t. Weight loss is all well and good until it turns your good butt jeans into your saggy butt jeans. I have to go shopping.

We landed 45 minutes later. The return flight was the same but with the unfortunate subtraction of headphones, which led to the creation of one of my best lines. When I told the flight attendant of my predicament, she apologized. I replied, “If I’d wanted sympathy, I would have called my mother. From you, I want headphones.”

Oh, and I met the uncle of a D-list celebrity. Not sure that makes me any cooler, but I now pretend to know Alex Borstein (Swan lady from MadTV. She is hilarious!). Go and see her in that new George Clooney flick named something I don’t remember.