That last detail may surprise you. It did me when I awoke from my NyQuil-induced haze yesterday morning and remembered that I had spent the night chatting with Christopher Walken. Stranger still was the comfort I got from his nocturnal advice.
The dream started with me walking up to a table in the food court at my local mall. There sat Chris Walken. I slunk down, dressed in my ducky pajamas. “Chris, nothing I do seems to make any difference at all.”Chris paused. He was, as you might imagine, very fond of existential discussion. After a few minutes of philosophizing, he announced that I needed to put on some makeup and I would feel better.
I whipped out my trusty Clinique lip-gloss. A few swipes and I was suddenly wearing my new hot jeans, one of my favorite tank tops, and a half-sweater. I never look fabulous, but this was pretty close. Thank you, Amazing Clinique Lip Gloss.
“Good,” Chris drolly intoned. “That’s what a girl needs. A good fixing up.”
“I hardly see how this will affect my life,” I said, feeling testy. If his wife had been there, who knows what I would have called her.
“Trust. That’s your trouble. You don’t know who to trust.”
I mumbled, “No shit, Sherlock.”
Chris continued nonplussed. “It’s a simple program, really. Guaranteed to provide success. You just follow my lead, little girl, and it’s all silver palaces from here on out.”
I was busy checking my toe polish and looking around the mall for signs of non-SADA activity. When I looked back, Chris had pulled out the weekly circular from Shoe Pavilion.
“You see! It’s all in the shoes. If you know what the shoes are telling you, then you know whom to trust. This is brilliant. Absof….inlutely brilliant.”
In the dream, the fact that I had dreamed the F-bomb distracted me. I never used to do this. I blame you all. I didn’t know anyone who used that word until I started blogging. Go ahead and feel guilty, please. You’ve polluted my already dirty mind.
When I rejoined the dream, Chris was giving me detailed advice about how to judge a person by their shoes. I was a little skeptical. Let me tell you, don’t wear sneakers on a date, because Chris is rather specific that this is a portent of trouble. I would also suggest avoiding spike heels because it means you are a whore. Well, I guess it’s okay if that’s your lifestyle choice, but otherwise, avoid the spikes.
The best part of the dream was that I not only learned a lot about people, but I learned of an amazing upcoming sale at Shoe Pavilion. I think I’ll be able to make over my shoe personality for less than $100. It will involve more ballet slippers and flowered sandals. If Chris shows up in your dreams, you can ask him why. I’m keeping his tidbits sacred. Not everybody gets fashion/life advice from such a reliable source.
Like I said, there are signs everywhere. And if they say “Sale”…well, no reason not to indulge if a famous celebrity dream-dictated it.
31 comments:
hey man, no need for c.w. to tell you that shoe shopping might make you feel better. hope the new kicks boost the effects of the medicine.
More life-changing was the realization that I had bought all the *wrong* type of shoe. He really changed my world, that Chris. I wish him to you, 'Diz.
Ooooo. I said I'd call anytime you post a comment, and I can see there's dirt to be shared. Eagerly anticipating this phone call....
Shoes as objective life lessons. Maybe this explains why I've been wandering thinking "My shoe"(Said like J-lo does in the Wedding Planner). Haven't seen Chris yet, but last night I was at a costume party at the white house.
Good one, 'Ber. Hope you wore the right pair....that could be embarrassing....
I was just thinking of buying some nice ballet flats.
my god, what a path I would've gone down had you not enlightened me, Glo. I'd choose the whore life, if only I didn't blister so easily in spiked heels. and those things don't look half as whore-worthy with scholl pads and such.
You should write a novel about this. And have Chris as your personal guru.
my hearing isn't great, usually, but i can pick out the words "shoe sale" from miles away.
survival tactic i suppose.
AHAHAHAHA!!!!
You said shit!
I'm totally telling the bishop! He's gonna be so pissed at you!!!
Oh no no no! Don't give in to the ballet pumps. Listen to the Fuggers. Those roundtoed little flats, they make stumpy. We don't like stumpy, no we don't.
But on a more positive note, if you trust Mr Walken, you must be very happy to hear that he could well be your next president.
Last time I tried that Clinique lip gloss trick, I ended up in some outfit that I wouldn't be caught dead wearing outside. Glad you had better results.
Funny you should say that, Omar, since it's widely known that the effect of the Clinique gloss is to instantly garb you in whatever you'd most like to be wearing. So I'm interested that you specify "outside" in. I'm picturing you right now in a fetching little chiffon and feather bedroom ensemble...
And here I was thinking we were friends, scroob.
I need to go shoe shopping . . . just I love my heels - not all stilletoes are spikey and whoreish. Actually, the whoreish shoes that I've seen are 6-inch platform heels, not simple, classic stilletoes.
I guess it's Chistopher Walken vs. Carrie and Samantha from SITC.
But we are, Omar, of course. I merely wondered...
Don't you have a video game to play?
Well, as long as I looked good in the "fetching little chiffon" in your mind, then I guess we're OK. But I'd never wear anything with feathers, let's make that clear.
I left out the word "ensemble." Fetching little chiffon ensemble. No feathers.
Fetch, that's a funny word. First heard it from a man from Georgia.
Okay, I'm SO going to have to disagree with the spiked heels theory, I am a SLAVE to my stilettos...oh, and sorry about that whole polluting your mind thing. Seeing as how that particular word is one I have quite an affinity towards.
But that is perhaps, one of the coolest dreams I've ever heard about. Christopher Walken...awesome!
My, my, my. Chris Walken does bring out the commenting. This is why I have chosen him as my personal dream coach.
Let's just clear up one little item: I am not opposed to stillettos. That's Chris' thing. I also think sneakers are fine, but Chris sees them as something to avoid. I'm not sure about the shoe theory, and I really didn't expect it from Chris, but he was very particular about the whole thing and I need some kind of new dogma to follow, lest I be forced to try and feel my own way through an uncertain world.
(*whisper* Omar, you look great in that chiffon. I keep telling you that you'll be happier if you let yourself be who you are, but you just won't listen.....)
"Fetch" is a word that is used waaaaaaay too much in my state (Utah).
In fact, I'm going to start a motion picture company called "Fetching Pictures" with my friend, Bruce the Cultured Beast.
Omar, you really do look fantastic. Rather like Cary Grant in Bringing Up Baby.
Ah, Fetch. I miss that word.
Cate - I completely agree. Omar would upset the whole fashion world if he'd get over his embarrassment. I say phooey! A man can wear yellow chiffon if he chooses....
BTW - great new profile pic. Everyone should check out its genesis over on your site, dontcha think???
Much better, darlin'. Thanks for asking.
I only hear fetch when i am in Idaho at school. Crazy Idahoans,
mrs. charlie--oh i certainly do say shit. along with a lot of other dirty phrases.
I'm also not a very good mormon (as we can all tell from my own blog...). GLo's a lot better at that than I am. Which is why it's so funny.
Dem, we're all agog to hear the dramatic denouement, and for that matter, the build-up. Being literally stuck between two shoes doesn't just happen, you know. Was superglue being enlisted as a fitting aid? How did it happen? I have a mental image that needs explaining...
I have to admit that Dem's story has me pondering. As the insider on Chris's shoe advice, I have to tell you, Dem, that you are in a true quandary. Choose carefully, for that which you decide, may determine a path heretofore unknown....
(P.S. The very term "good Mormon" negates the good news of the gospel. We are all just people, people. Some swear, some don't. This week alone I said some words that would make a sailor blush - even Slick, Mrs. Charlie. Other weeks, I blush at the thought of things. It's all about being real and walking the path that you feel comfortable walking.)
Lest I forget....
Screw the monkey! I want some muffins!
It's my new catch phrase, thanks to Dem.
i'm from minneapolis, minnesota!
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