A Letter to my Beloved Edward Atterton

Dearest Eddie,

At times, it seems like just yesterday that Cate suggested you be my celebrity lover yet here we are, almost a week later, and as much in love as ever we weren’t. Sure, I know nothing about you beyond the fact that you have nunchuck skills and look amazing in black, but it doesn’t matter, because that’s all I’ve ever really wanted from a celebrity love interest.

I know I owe you an apology. The first time I tuned in to see your work, during yesterday’s episode of Firefly, I caused a bit of a disturbance. There you were, looking handsome in black as always. I was into you. You would have been into me if I were half my size, famous, and had ever met you. But I had my other love nearby – the Double Fudge Cookie Dough Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Just as you looked into the camera, taking in my amazing gray sweats and my Mom dated Spike t-shirt, I took a scoop of ice cream.

The splintered cocoa beans distributed across my tongue, causing me to inhale sharply. It was followed by the smooth sensation of vanilla soft serve that makes my eyes roll back in my head. Then, as if through manifestation of fantasy, the endorphin-producing flavor of chocolate chip cookie dough oozed onto my tongue. I sighed in the ecstasy of having discovered true taste perfection.

When I looked back at the TV, your jealousy, my beloved Eddie, had produced some rather unpleasant events. You insulted that poor prostitute, causing her friend to pelt you. Then you entered a ridiculous duel – just to prove your prowess with swords. Well, while you were impressive, I have to remind you that the sword is not necessary to gain my affection.

I would like to be able to tell you, sweetest imaginary beau, that I never again partook of the Double Fudge, but I just finished another. You need not worry. Tomorrow I go back to remembering that my ass is three sizes too large and I will not be indulging in ice cream. From that moment forward, I will be entirely yours, my darling. Unfortunately, that means I have to watch Dune……must remember how amazing you look in black…

With endless love and more than sufficient lust,

Glo

Ahem, ahem. An official aside here.

Notification to the blog community at large: Should you ever meet me, you will likely be shocked. I am calm, even gentle, albeit prone to dramatic displays of temper. Thus far, I have met several of you and each has reported the same surprise that I at no time flashed anyone, danced on a table, or drunkenly stumbled about screeching obscenities. I’m not saying I would never do any of that….but I usually save such enjoyment for your birthday or religious holiday. So, don’t say I didn’t warn you when next our paths cross. I, Glo, am a normal person.