Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Blech on Love

Stage One of the Big Wedding a.k.a. Romantic Festival this weekend. Yay, me. In honor, the first of what will likely be many bitter yet romantic posts. BTW - I am out of town until Monday. If that bothers you, feel free to buy me a laptop with wireless capability and a lifetime supply of whatever I will need to make it function wherever I am.

I'm not a fan of weddings. Truly. I harbor no fantasies about the "event" and hope that marriage sneaks upon me one night because my recent crush and I can't resist the call of Klingon Priests at the Star Trek Experience.

I have this strange fantasy about the experience. My relationships are always so disastrous, that I imagine this day where me and some random guy with a wicked sense of humor are goofing around Las Vegas. He's nice. That's it. My big requirement is that he doesn't treat me like I'm second best in the big girl v. girl contest that every female is forced to fight. Anyway, we are having fun and I have the freedom to be flirty, funny, sexy, weird, and wild. Most guys don't give you this permission - it's all about them and what you're not - so I'm getting wrapped up in this guy's openness. At some point, there will be a motorcycle ride. There has to be a motorcycle.

Anyway, we convince each other to get our photos taken at Star Trek the Experience. I'm telling SciFi Convention stories and he finds them funny, asking if I'm above geting plastic ears. Soon, there I am, with plastic ears, and laughing so hard I could fall over while he play-acts silly things from the original Star Trek** and kisses me while pretending to be Captain Kirk. We look so happy that the Klingon priest starts into his wedding spiel.

My crazed Romeo just plays cool. I get embarrassed, like I always do when I really want something but am too afraid that it will slip away from me if I ask for it***. He says, "Screw it." Then he asks the Klingon how much things cost. He pretends to have lost his wallet and offers to scrub the galley if the Klingon will marry us for free. All I care about is having this guy in my life after he realizes I have insecurities and problems like everyone else, so I think, "What the hell? If it ends ugly, it ends ugly." And we get married to the sound of our laughter and my freedom to be who I am with someone who feels the same freedom from me.

5 years later, we have an adorable baby and another on the way. My next door neighbor, lovingly dubbed Bertha Better Than You**** stops by. She drives me nuts, so I bring out the wedding photo and place it on the coffee table. It shows us, laughing hyserically, as 2 Klingons toss plastic flower petals at us. I love the photo, so I stop to smile at it. When Bertha enters, intent on explaining to me why I shouldn't breastfeed in public, I seat her next to the photo. She looks at it, goes entirely speechless, and merely murmurs something about how she's never met someone *that* into Star Trek.

My mate comes out of the back room with that beautiful baby and tells her to "Live long and prosper." He does the hand sign, of course. Bertha excuses herself as we collapse into giggles. Then we play with our child for a moment before going back to the very mundane experience of creating a family.

*If, of course, love exists. I don't think it does. Hoogity exists. That I know. I love to manipulate it. Kindness exists. I guess if Hoogity and kindness coexist, then maybe that is love. Maybe. It could just be kindness and hoogity.
**Really not this into Star Trek, but I love the imagery.
***Because that's what always happens.
****Thanks, Ray Stevens.

18 comments:

cadiz12 said...

i hope you guys save the ears for when you go back to celebrate your 10th anniversary.

Bill C said...

I'm not sure The Guy Code allows me to say this outside the confines of my skull, but-
"Awww!"
Hope your fantasy - at least its essence, or a generic equivalent thereof - intrudes on your reality one day soon.

Thanks for having us here.

ScroobiousScrivener said...

I love weddings. Of course I always believe they are Crazy Fools not to be eloping on the QT, but as long as they're making with the big dress and the cake and the music, I'm not really complaining. Going solo does suck a teeny bit, but not that much. Make friends with the flower girls and compete with them for who can stick their tongue out their furthest at whatever distant relative is being meanest about your dateless state.

And tell them all about your carefully planned Star Trek fantasy wedding. That ought to shut them up.

(No, really, it's lovely. It is. Thanks.)

PaintingChef said...

I think it sounds PERFECT!

Johnny Menace said...

I think your dedication to orlando bloom should be removed after the Kingdom of Heaven movie.

glo said...

'Diz - but of course. We will renew our vows at the annual convention in Las Vegas, of course.

Jam - always welcome! I love my visitors. And thanks for the "awww" (I was hoping for one).

Rain - then I wish it for you.

Scroob - will add that to list of things to say to the questions. And as flower girls are my nieces, I'm sure we will have a wonderful time.

Chef- as do I, obviously.

Johnny - As long as my wall calendar shows me that Orlando is among the most attractive men in the history of mostly hairless men, I will keep the dedication, regardless of movie mishaps.

Johnny Menace said...

i hate to see you setup yourself up for a big let down.......... no.. i would actually enjoy that.

glo said...

My life is one continual let-down. I'd hate to change the trend at this point. I'm kinda fond of predictability...

omar said...

I would argue that love does exist. As does hoogity.

Note to RaJ, your Guy card is being suspended pending a hearing on your blatant disregard for the code.

glo said...

This from a card-carrying member of the "We Love Todd and Blair" fan club? C'mon, Omar, admit it. The Guy club just meets to have a safe place to cry over Dawson's foibles, doesn't it?

(And I never argue about the hoogity - while I didn't invent the word, I am the distributor and I really believe in the product.)

Bill C said...

Um, Omar? One word: gardening.

glo said...

LOL ;) (Good one, Jam)

Ambrrrr said...

I'm a hopeless romantic so I love the 'idea' of weddings. In actual fact the ones I've been to aren't much like the ones I've imagined. Oh well eh? Go on with the bitter romance stuff, we all get that way once in a while. You can always read my ALIAS stuff, something might make you laugh.

Sarah Cate said...

Hoogity. Hoogity, hoogity, hoogity. I just love saying that.

Bill C said...

I know this is a little off-topic (As if!) but -
Cate, it looks like somebody hacked your account and inserted a profile-pic or something...gaah! Cate has a profile? The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The sk----*!=*+++NO CARRIER

cadiz12 said...

last summer i was maid of honor at an awesome wedding. on the beach in west maui. there were 10 guests and all of us went snorkeling before the wedding. we hopped off the boat, took showers and made it to the ceremony just in time to see him kiss his bride right at sunset.

it was awesome.

MEP said...

Glo, just wait till you find the Love AND the hoogity hoogity in the same place and you will be a convert.

It's out there. You'll see.

Kristin said...

You are just the funniest person. I'm not a big wedding fan myself and I only attend them if guilt forces me too, which means I've gone to 3 or 4 since I graduated from high school...family included.
I hope you have a great time!