My mom lets it slip the other day that Beauty Queen (who is honestly the nicest person I know) thinks I may be too picky in my dating relationships. I completely disagree, and I told my mom so. I’ve decided to prove my point by obtaining the approval of Blogland.
Thus, I submit, for your perusal, the application to attend the 3-day, 2-state fun-fest (complete with flower bower in couple’s monogram) family wedding. I plan to paper the subway, litter the beach, and wrap fish with this application, so I really want it to be perfect. Go ahead, be harsh. I can take the criticism.
APPLICATION FOR WEDDING DATE
Full Name:
Any Alias:
Nickname(s):
Usernames and passwords:
Name the FBI has on record:
Occupation:
Annual Income:
Amount of Non-School Debt:
Amount Owed to Bookies:
Number of Appendages Lost to Bookies:
Personal Vehicles Owned:
Personal Vehicles Stolen:
Personal Vehicles Willing to Steal:
PERSONALITY PROFILE
Do you have a penchant for spontaneous advents?
Are you a gift renaissance with a tendency for conversations that raise farce?
Are you a wordsmith who cares for his brother?
Are you a sliver of God on a platter?
A YES ANSWER TO THESE QUESTIONS REQUIRES SPECIFIED PAPERWORK:
Are you married? (If so, please obtain letter of consent from wife. Must be notarized.)
Are you a knife-wielding maniac? (If so, please provide medical consent and handcuffs.)
Do you have children? (Please enclose medical records and photo.)
Do you drive a large truck? (Please sign over deed.)
A YES TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTION WILL RESULT IN REJECTION:
Have you ever proposed marriage to a man/woman within six weeks of meeting?
A YES TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTION MAY BYPASS REMAINDER OF APPLICATION:
Do you have nunchuck or bowhunting skills?
ESSAY PORTION
Ambition: Describe your 10-year plan. For each step, express your self-worth as a function of income.
Bravery: Describe your last mythical quest. Provide references. (Extra notice given to those who conquered a troll or obtained a magical talisman for their efforts.)
Chemistry: On the common attractiveness scale, I score a solid 4 with potential of 4.5-5 if I stay on my diet. Provide and justify your own rating. Provide a photo for verification. (Please note, a low score need not disqualify if excellent justification is given for other features of personality, mannerism, etc. that may advance my social position.)
Diet: Provide a 24-hour recall of all foods eaten along with an analysis of nutritive value. Discuss willingness to accept criticism and make pertinent changes.
Excellence: Provide your college transcript. If have not attended college or are embarrassed by grades, provide trophies, awards, or videotape of yourself excelling at something that can be discussed at parties.
Feminist Perspective: Angelina Jolie is a complicated public figure. Discuss her impact on the American humanitarian and feminist movement. Extra notice will be taken of those able to obtain an interview.
EXTRA CREDIT PORTION
Portions of this application came from my favorite love song. Immediate fast-track given to anyone who can name the artist.
Submission of this application serves as a binding contract. You have ten (10) business days to withdraw your application after submission.
See? Not so difficult. Anyone could meet these simple requirements. I don’t know what my mom is talking about…she’s obviously gone mad from having her eyes seared out by the condom post (which she read – the brat – she’s supposedly on vacation).
50 comments:
No worries. I feel better. Better enough to realize how funny it looked to say "0 people are glad they don't know my phone number." It was a little too self-satisfying, so I decided to correct it.
Life goes on. Now, was the application funny? I've wanted to do one of these since my dad brought a version home when I turned sixteen and threatened to show it to my dates. I showed him by never having a date. How he laughs now!
Ha, ha. I got my own tag-line wrong! What an idiot! At least now it's grammatically correct, but also more than a little tragic. Oh, well. Night's theme, I suppose.
First up, I'm sorry that you were dumped...that totally sucks. But he's obviously a jerk (for dumping you) so TTTBBBTTTHHHH to him. (that's me blowing a mean raspberry, in case you wondered)
Yep, it was very funny...I shot diet coke out my nose not just once but twice...it was that funny. You should copywrite it and sell it...save a lot of girls a lot of pain...hee.
Why am I picturing Julie Roberts in 'My Best Friends Wedding' when I think of you going...alone. Hey, if she can do it, so can you...right?
first: you are slowly becoming the funniest person i've never met. i think i'm falling in love with you. screw andy!
second: i laughed out loud and woke up my roomate at "nunchuck and bowhunting skills"
third: i just did day three of my contracts lecture today and did you know that if you send non-conforming goods to a buyer before the date that they're do, seller has 10 days to fix the problem without penalty?
fourth: "are you a sliver of god on a platter?" wha??
fifth: i loved that you made jon's blog the last blog visit for the day, a spot you usually reserve for yourself. i thougth that was funny. come to ny so i can try to seduce you...i mean...buy you a drink...
First off, sam and jasmine (and Cate by phone) - you are reconfirming my firm belief that a breakup requires much, much interaction with galpals. I already feel 55% better.
sam - I appreciate the raspberry. Nothing says support like spit, y'know. Unfortunately, I'm still in the "why am I such an unfortunate loser" stage, but I'll let you know when I get to "what a jerk!" That said, I am already feeling empowered by Julia Roberts reference.
jasmine - I am in awe. I know who you hang with online, so if that was more than "cheer up little blue engine" talk, then I am mightily humbled. I am glad you liked the nunchuck line - eventually I will write the 'Napoleon Dynamite is the biography of the first boy I didn't date' post. Please apologize to your roommate on my behalf.
I will gladly come to ny so we can screw Andy. Wait. Was that what you said? Either way, jas, you are fascinating, so thanks for coming around...
Oh - and to the frantically searching HOARDS of men trying to figure out the song reference, thank jas for one big hint.
Oh - and I really DID intend to visit Jon's blog last, but I decided to see if anyone had lent support so that I could laugh myself to sleep instead of the alternative. Crappy excuse for selfish behavior, eh?
I wouldn’t say the application was funny… although I had printed out a copy and was feverishly trying to fill it out to make the deadline. I was super serious about it too, I was using my sharpest crayon and I had my tongue sticking out to the right. (a true sign that I’m fully concentrating. If it’s out to the left, I’m only partially interested. Straight out and I’m probably just trying to touch my nose and I’m not thinking about anything else.)
You should try staying up past midnight for no good reason at all. It’s very liberating, plus, you can be nice and tired the next day. I’ll make this my last stop, not that it’s any kind of honor coming from me, but well, there you have it. I’m done now.
1) Hilarious, as always.
2) I was pleased to see that you didn't discriminate against married men.
3) Ditto for men with children.
4) The only part I thought was a little over-the-top was the requirement to provide references from the last mythical quest. Not a single other participant in any of my previous mythical quests had a phone number or street address.
Oh, and on a side note. I sent my blog god entry to your gmail address listed in your profile, and am a little hurt that I didn't even get a form response.
Or maybe you made mention of it somewhere in the middle of the 56,000 comments on the previous post, but I couldn't find anything while skimming. :)
Yeah, I don't know WHAT your mom is fussing about, I think that's a pretty standard first date questionnaire...
I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with your friend. Sometimes? Men are really really stupid. He was just unworthy, that's all. And I'm SURE his nunchuck and bowhunting skills weren't up to par.
Omar has submitted a blog god! And a god of men he is! While there may be some legal issues (I trust jas can help with this), as the only entrant, the Blog God will be rolled out later this weekend (when I get back from San Diego).
Jon - I really like blue crayons. In fact, being able to use crayon is such a huge leap ahead of all other current applicants (whose entries have been written in drool, urine, and petroglyph) that I have decided to save you a spot in the interview phase pending your application of course.
Omar - I am an equal opportunity dater. I see your point about mythical quests. However, I am willing to take any scribe documents and/or heroic songs as proof of past deeds.
Chef - you seemed a discriminating soul, so I appreciate your input. And you are right, this spring's 'love of my life' definitely lacked bowhunting skills, although he was a certified ninja warrior. Alas, in all things, I just can't find what I'm looking for...
I won! I'd like to take this time to thank everyone else who didn't put in an entry.
And glo, I'm out of the running. I'm not sure I could convince my wife to allow it, and even if I could, the only notary public we know who would notarize it for free is her dad. That would be awkward.
You are really, really cool. Do I know you? No. Does that matter? No. It's so obvious even *I* can tell.
I thought I had the title of Generally Most Clueless Male sewed up; apparently not. His loss.
Hope things change for you way better, way soon.
Uh, that was for G.Lo, not Omar. Slow typing fingers...
Which is not to say Omar isn't cool...uh...okay. I'll stop now.
Who needs Mr. Jerk (That Jerk is already reserved for mine, sorry) when you have these guys and gals? I wish I was funnier so peple would come see me as much as they see you...but I'll keep writing things that make you cry...tho not on purpose.
I love the www.
If you're ever in SLC I have a guy that I think you'd have a great time with...as friends and also with future potential. I'm not sure he'd pass the application process but I can provide a reference or two...hee.
You rock! Have a great Friday!
Omar - I get along REALLY well with older men. I'm not saying you HAVE to submit an application, but I'm terrified I'll end up with the petroglyph guy. Pantomime is SOOOO last year's party activity.
Ah, Jam. Don't try to cover. Guys hit on Omar all the time. He's way awesome. (As are you, BTW - thanks for the support. Alas, Ex is not so clueless and I am not so cool.)
Sam - does he at least have a magic talisman? I am willing to drop standards quite a bit for Homer-like quests. (But will remember your offer. Am thinking of SLC trip in October and will be looking you up. We could do a group thing.)
You guys have definitely shown true friendship these days. It's funny to be so blessed when you write mostly nonsense on a regular basis (although all my posts are loosely based on reality).
Hmmm...I'll have to ask him...I know he's been my knight in shining armor on more than one occasion so you never know.
It would be fun to get together the next time you're around...I haven't been salsa dancing in, oh, years and years...and you make it sound like soooo much fun!
Keep on keepin' on!
You're on! I hear there's a great club - we'll have to drag Cate.
Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time a guy hit on me...
And I still don't know your favorite love song. Even with the hint that jazz supposedly gave?
And we'll have to coordinate outfits...a total must...hee.
My hair will be much longer then so I'll be able to style it (yay!) and wear long dangly earrings...this rocks!
It sounds fun!
I never did hear how Cate's losing challenge went at The Gateway when you were here a few months ago...someone is gonna have to share that one with me sometime.
oh my god! the vole is holding a dollar!
can i marry the vole?
i was not just saying that stuff to cheer you up. you're hilarious. i'm not sure who would win if you, omar, jon, and andy had to fight it out. you're all brilliant in your own ways...
should i tell the song? should i mind my own beeswax?
No, no minding of your beeswax jasmine. Mind anything but your own beeswax. I too have absolutely no clue what this song is and it’s driving me insane. Which is quite a feat when you realize I no longer possess a mind to go crazy with. It all oozed out of my head today at work… it was pretty gross, they had to use a mop to clean it up. I spent the rest of the day doing two things, one, wondering what song it is G-Lo is talking about and two, soiling myself. Not my finest day on the job, but then again, soiling myself has been a life long battle. Lucky for me I carry around LOTS of spare diapers. I’m pretty generous with them too, when I see someone that looks like they need one, I always offer. Surprisingly though, not a lot of takers… it’s so much easier than looking for a bathroom… I’m just trying to help, you know?
Never thought I'd laugh so hard at an adult diaper story...
This song is the world's best torture. MEGA points to Jasmine for knowing it - even Cate needed a major hint to get there. Jas - looks like you and me are going to the wedding. The lesbian thing is SO on, baby.
I have, unfortunately, discovered that the internet is less useful than previously thought. However, for the truly curious, I have left sufficient hints (jas quoted the part that is lyric, the artist is a link on my blog) to direct the search.
I had no idea anyone would care. But you can't imagine I am letting this go until the Sunday post. I rarely have this great a torture device.
Fine, so I do the legwork only to realize that beeswax is yet another clue… that Jasmine, she’s clever. Many much more cleverer than me.
Strange to find one's soulmate in such an unexpected place. We'll be a strange couple, jas and I - two worlds, one family.
Anyway, I told everyone it wasn't that hard to figure out.
I smell a sit-com… and it smells good.
Wasn't it girlspit who just had a meeting with the Playboy channel? Maybe she can help us pitch it.
I think playboy would be all over a sit-com about two lesbians (and not called “The L Word”) I don’t know why, but I get the feeling that’s right up their ally.
Most likely. And given my apparently freakish innocence, the reality behind-the-scenes show including me looking horrified, shocked and bewildered as I confronted both a change of orientation and the world of pornography, would give them a full night's line-up.
Finally, I’ll have a reason to watch the playboy channel.
wha? where did this conversation go?
Yeah, back to jasmine's comment:
i'm not sure who would win if [glo], omar, jon, and andy had to fight it out.
Make no mistake, I'd win in a street fight between the four of us. That may not have been what she meant, but I want to make sure I don't have any kind of rep for being a sissy.
jon - like you really need the excuse...perhaps just one you can admit in semi-polite company.
omar - I may be a weakling and I hit like a girl, but I got street cred, man. Don't try to take on a girl nearly as cool as Snoop Dogg. Just yesterday, i walked downtown to the popping of gunfire and came out completely unscathed. This innocent act just covers my drug-running (thought I'd give the FBI another avenue of investigation - they're having a hard time nailing me for stalking as long as Jon's alive).
to be honest, i didn't recognize it as a song lyric at first but once you said i'd given a hint, the alanis morisette link took me right there.
i'm all about switching teams. the men are sooo not working out for me anyhow!
I don’t know… I’m not a fighter, but I was raised by Ninjas, so I’m pretty quick. I won’t be able to beat you up per say, but I might make you collapse in exhaustion after trying to chase me down. I would win in a battle of patience and endurance. I guess it would have to be a cage match though, because otherwise I would probably just run away. (I’m reminded of the fight scene in Anchorman right now for some reason…)
jas - given those breasts in your profile image, it gets more likely every day...sorry the guys aren't working out for you. If there weren't so many (3) male readers, then I would give you all that female pride support that leaves us feeling worse about ourselves. You're too good for the lot of them. Better just come to the wedding with me and shock all of St. A.
jon - running is a total scratch. It's put up or shut up. Since you really deserve to rank in this contest, we'll reserve the cage.
Put up or shut up, eh? Fine. Having just watched Batman Begins, I have a new plan of attack. I’m going to train and become the greatest fighter of all time. I’m going to need about a decade… does that work for everyone? I’m thinking July of 2015… I realize some of you may already have plans then, so I’m flexible for whichever weekend. Let’s try and find a date that accommodates everyone. What’s the rule on weapons? The only one I plan on using is my razor sharp wit (well, at least by then I hope it’s razor sharp… right now it’s more like butter knife sharp, but I’ll be training to be the worlds greatest fighter, so I assume I’ll learn something about wit too.)
Yikes. I just scheduled 2015. I could possibly postpone some of September, but only if we schedule quickly, because Brad Pitt is likely getting divorced again that October (#6 according to his agent) and I don't want to miss my shot (Darn Angelina).
I'll still show up in 2015, but any guarantees of victory I make are only good until 2010.
I suppose someone had better inform Andy...
I think Jasmine “The Instigator” should do it. I’m not 100% sure yet, but I think there’s an outside chance that Jasmine might be the devil… think about it… Jasmine is a flower right? Flowers grow in dirt, right? Dirt comes from outside, right? Outside is where things happen, right? When things happen, things can be bad, right? Bad is the devil, right? Jasmine is the devil. Am I wrong here? If there’s a flaw in my logic, somebody please point it out to me!
If you noticed, Andy is already attempting psychological warfare by challenging me to another "list". He is tricky, that Andy.
Wow. That logic is so close to the proof I submitted for preschool geometry class. Freaky...
Knees of My Bees - Alanis Morissette.
WooHoo! I'm on the fast track!
Way to go, J. I'll set your interview time as soon as I get your application.
wow. i've gotta see this fight.
will you all be wearing your respective ninja colors?
No. I will not. I refuse to wear a costume I don't understand. As I am forbidden from asking its meaning, I will be forced to design my own superhero costume.
I believe the ninja costume will fuel the necessary blind rage. I will be victorious (if Andy doesn't show up, Jon really is a girl, and Omar feels sorry for me).
I wouldn’t dream of entering the arena without my traditional orange garb. It would shame not only me, but my entire family. And while 99.5% of the time, I may act like a girl, 3 years of semi-conclusive tests have revealed that I may not, in fact, be one. They are currently developing new equipment in order to prove this theory. And in ten years, I should know for sure. Looking forward to it…
BTW, ninjas are known for routinely defeating superheroes...
Medical tests can be wrong...
And while I can handle hyperbole (75% of this blog is pure nonsense), out-right lies will not be tolerated! What ninja has EVER defeated a superhero??
Hey, Mrs. Charlie. Come and play where the rest of the kiddies can meet you.
And that would be...........where?
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