The contest announced yesterday remains in effect! E-mail or post the link of a good “blog-god” image! I’ll turn my favorite into my signature image, so you’ll get some good free advertising.
Warning: This post is truly nauseating. It’s foul, crude, and disgusting. I would never have written it except my mom is on vacation. I also blame the fact that the schmarmy, innocent new blog has created a karmic imbalance. Hence, I am forced to think and say exceptionally inappropriate things. Please stop reading now if you are feeling even slightly worried about content. There’s a good possibility your work firewall won’t let you view this putrid entry and that I will be fired immediately for posting it.
I stood in front of the mirror last Sunday contemplating the impending horror of being dateless at Prince Charming and Beauty Queen’s wedding. I fear the rush of people expressing deep consternation at my single status, while trying to pawn me off on the nearest available man.
It seemed obvious that I needed some way to stop the well-wishers. My mom entered as I had a brilliant idea.
“Couldn’t you just tell everyone that I’m a lesbian? That way, they’ll be so busy proving their open-mindedness that they won’t try to commiserate!”
I could see a flash of excitement. My mom longs to see a Rainbow parade in St. A. She thinks it would be the coup to disrupt the flow of time. I could see her envisioning a stereotypical “flaming” homosexual as he hit on the Superintendant of schools – a man who redefines the term ‘conservative bastard.’
Then she wrinkled her nose. “Doesn’t seem too believable, dear. You could always just get pregnant. That would stop anyone from talking to you at all.”
That mom. She always has the perfect advice. I contemplated it for several days, really, until I read a couple of posts about sexual escapades and my knee-jerk appalled reaction (see * for apology) indicated that random sex is a non-possibility.
I’m sure by now you’re thinking, “There’s nothing tasteless about this post, except that it’s the kind of spiritual drivel that belongs on the other blog no one will ever read.” That’s your own assumptions talking.
Some of you should realize that I’m typically laissez-faire in my approach to other people’s choices. I see your life and my life as separate identities and assume you need as little of my approval as I need of yours (although I appreciate it, of course). I have even sat with little more than slight displeasure on my face through a story of a crazed night of illegal drugs that led the user to spread his body with dog doo-doo and rob a nearby residence. Your life. Your business. That’s my motto.
Except…. “Safe” sex requires the existence of the one item that I find so disgusting, so appalling that I turn into a Puritan Princess:
The dirty condom
I would challenge even the most over-sexed among you to have handled more of these foul creatures than I have.
“Wha? How?” you may find yourself sputtering. I have had all this joy due to my summer spent cleaning hotel rooms.
As far as I can tell (since I wouldn’t know), the sex act is so incredible, so sublime that you are absolutely, utterly incapable of remembering where and when you discarded your Trojan. It’s impossible. You just have to leave it there for the unsuspecting maid.
And left they were. I found them on the pillows, under the chairs, beside the toilet, in the shower. Three leapt at me from the bedsheets one afternoon. The day I got one caught in the vacuum, I required medical rehydration by the time I had wiggled it free.
Then there was the day I found one behind the bedstand. It was dry, so I have no idea how long it had been there. I stepped on one under a table and it oozed over my shoe.
There was even one inside the Gideon Bible. I touched it barehanded. It took an entire team of physicians and a barrage of tests to convince me I remained STD-free.
This brings us back to the original question: what to do about Prince Charming and Beauty Queen’s wedding. Some of you have likely realized that pregnancy requires the absence of a condom. (If you haven’t please call your mother immediately; she missed a vital discussion during your upbringing.) But it’s the culture surrounding random sex that inflicts the trial. I am barely able to walk past the Trojan display in a store without feeling nauseous. If I were to be presented with an actual condom, I would likely initiate fierce, uncontrollable vomiting. Nope. Random sex is definitely not an option.
I’m back to plan A: find a boyfriend or pay someone to pretend to be a boyfriend. Both of those options generally turn out well in the movies, so I’m full of optimism. I just have to remind them not to “be prepared” as the Boy Scout Leaders** say.
*I’m sorry.
**Bet you weren’t anticipating the truly tasteless ending.
Addendum: The least you can do if you have misplaced your condom during hotel sex is leave a nice, big tip - at least $35 so that the maid can pay for the STD tests. Be kind to your maid! She works harder than you, I guarantee it.
56 comments:
I loath the boyscouts… they aren’t nearly as prepared as they would have you believe. I’d offer to go with you, but then you’d have to explain to everyone where you picked up the teenage boy… it would be awkward. Better just get pregnant.
Yeah, that's nasty.
But getting pregnant will likely also lead you to feel nauseated. Lose-lose situation.
I say fake a pregnancy. They do it on soaps all the time. A well-placed pillow in the waistline and a push-up bra is all it takes.
I feel like Omar knows too much about faking a pregnancy…
Omar is only cementing his place as the fount of all knowledge...
O Glorious One - Glad to see you back in rare blogging form - my library computer neighbors think I am insane as I vainly try to hold in the laughter. Personally, I like Option A: Tell everyone you're a lesbian. You moved to California, you're still single - they'll all feel as if they "knew" you would go off the sexual orientation deep end.
I think my retinas are scorched.
Then again, maybe it's all in my mind. Etched, like.
Nope. Can't do it, straight face collapes, stupid grin wins again.
Right, sorry. Not funny.
(turns away, shoulders etc. heaving from the...not-funny...thing. Post. Whatever)
Okay. For the ceremony, maybe you could try an inscrutable, I've got a secret half-smile? If anyone asks why, you sort of shake your head, leaving them to wonder if you couldn't tell them, or you thought they wouldn't "get" it.
You guys are killing me here! I actually have a night to stay up and comment my heart away, and nobody is active! It's 8pm over on the west coast, shouldn't you all be home at your computers by now?!? I bet in two hours, the hilarity will be flowing. You're just doing it to spite me.
jon- re: the fake pregancy thing, I've done it on so many occasions to get out of going to work. 100% success rate.
FYI glo, if statcounter happens to show you that I've been visiting this site every 45 seconds for the past hour, as if I had no other life and was wondering where all the west coast bloggers are at, it's probably some sort of glitch. Because that's not true.
I'm here, Omar. Comment away!
Well, now it's quarter to 12 and the caffeine is wearing off.
so sorry to miss you! This 3 hour time delay - omigosh! Just noticed the vole animation! You are a genius!
Just occurred to me that I could have been using this time to finalize my entry in the blog-god contest. Instead, I make a vole move back and forth.
Some say I don't prioritize well.
Speaking of that, you said that you were planning to have pictures added to your blog? Did you just mean your profile image?
No, I have a rather ambitious project in mind. The image profile is just the first step. Then *shudder* I will move to figuring out how to insert other images. Excuse me while I breathe into a bag. Learning stuff about the 'net is terrifying to me.
Yeah. You should be working on your entry. I mean, given my attention span, this contest could last a whole 2 days. Won't you feel silly not entering a contest no one else has entered??
Master cate-nobi knows her stuff, she's a good resource! And if I can be of any help, let me know. Since, you know, I am cutting edge.
I'd feel more silly if I didn't win a contest no one else entered. Which is entirely possible.
I'll work on finishing blog-god when the boy gets me up at 4:45 tomorrow morning. Yeah, that's 4.5 hours from now.
Poor thing. Maybe I won't even dare FAKE a pregnancy knowing that even a fake baby could be problematic. Would I also need the fake sleep deprivation??
Yeah, I told Cate that if I heard again that you were helping her and I didn't have a blog-god, then I would be in a major *harumph* for several days or so.
Two words… that will quickly turn into more: Batman Begins. Oh, he begins all over the place! I enjoyed the movie, that’s all I’m saying. So that's where I was at instead of blogging. I make no apology for this.
Jon - just got off the phone with Mom - Beauty Queen has major bridezilla potential....I may have to lock you in a trunk, haul you across state lines, and risk the jail time ;)
Wouldn’t be the first time.
Did I mention I already own my own suit? So I can even tell you what I’ll be wearing in advance.
How useful. I'll make sure I rip it off from your house well in advance of the day I nab you in the school playground.
'Wouldn't be the first time'? What OTHER stalkers do I have to kill? Your popularity is really advancing my placement on the FBI Top 10 supposedly scary list.
No need to apologize for movie viewing as I already knew where you were and was just doing the psycho pretend I don't thing *knife sharpening in background*. You did, however, miss Omar. As did I. Very sad, really.
How was the movie?
I was actually just letting everyone else know where I was… I expect you to know my location at all times. Once I see my suit is gone, I’ll start spending a lot more time in playgrounds.
I don’t have any other stalkers, but you’d be surprised how many hair brained schemes involve me crossing state lines in a trunk. My friends run up to me with some great plan and I’m like, “Let me guess… in the trunk across state lines?” and they’re like, “You really freak us out when you do that. How did you know?” it’s called experience.
Movie was spectacular. This was the movie I was most anticipating this summer. The franchise was in the crapper and it looked like they were going to fix it, and they did. At least in my opinion. I was a little worried though because any time I hype up a movie that much in my head, it almost always disappoints. Not this one though…
Cool beans. I am actually under strict orders to see this one as it will be the mMdS t-shirt event. Not that I wouldn't see it anyway, but I have to admit to being a 'groupie' when it comes to movies - I see what everyone wants to see.
As for the trunk, well I've never had that experience, but Polo Dude was well-known for tying up neighbor kids and sticking them in strange, hard-to-locate places. Oh, the fun we had finding little Johnny before the Oxygen ran out...
I’m very decisive about what I want to see. Fortunately for Hollywood, I want to see just about everything. And the new $2 theater that opened up is looking pretty nice right now.
And who hasn’t had fun finding the younglings before they suffocate and die in a well hidden trunk? It would be un-American not to play that game.
I like watching all the voles dance in unison… it’s sickeningly fascinating…
Kinda how I feel about Omar in general, but let's not tell him. No, really, I'm gonna be nice because he may be the only entrant in the "Make me a nice new blog-god" contest. So great because it's both silly and blasphemous.
I saw clips from the movie on TV yesterday but it will probably take its time getting here. I wanna see it!!
Just so you know Glo, you have my admiration for: 'I see your life and my life as separate identities and assume you need as little of my approval as I need of yours (although I appreciate it, of course)' Sth I learnt a little late in the day.
No advice to offer on the dateless situation. I do know your pain though coming from a place where I'm already considered an old spinster. Old women specially in villages shake their heads in sympathy when they look in my direction. It's amusing actually :> I imagine all sorts of things I could say to them...which is why this lesbian idea sort of appeals to me..
Oh how I love to blaspheme. I’ve started my fair share of holy wars… all it really takes is a little bit of misinterpretation and just let nature do the rest.
I thought it was great. I may take a go at my mom again. The thing about small towns is that they require careful planning. If I announce it at the wedding, then I steal the show and everyone only remembers "that lesbian who ruined the wedding." A few well-placed, slightly teary "I don't know what to do" comments from mom and I get the entire night free of conversation beyond my job and the weather in California.
*Sigh* It would be perfect.
BTW - glad you enjoyed that bit of philosophy. I was afraid everyone would get grossed out by the condoms and miss the great stuff sandwiched in between lesbians and condoms (intentionally crude. I can't help myself today.)
Oh, and Jon, stop fighting the hari Krishna! What did they ever do to you? Sheesh. It was wrong, man, just wrong.
I politely said I didn’t want his book and that I wouldn’t be making a donation. All he had to do was walk away, but you know what, he didn’t. I firmly believe he brought it on himself.
my two cents: go lesbian. guys think lesbians are hot. i garuntee you'll meet a man that way...
He only wanted to sing you a little song. Would have hurt your image THAT much to take the flower and give a listen? Guys and their macho.
jasmine- that's pretty much a go for lesbian. We're all agreed. I'll just accidentally mail all this to Mom, half the town, and the local newspaper. Suddenly wishing I were a little more world-wise so could pull of the "lesbian with doubts" thing.
It's official. I hate being on at night. Darn job is ruining my blog-life and reality is ruining my social life. Something must change, G.Lo swears in her Diva-like rage.
First, what do you know of my pain? My grandmother was killed by a flower and a song.
Second, I take that not liking night blogging as a personal insult.
Third, though I’m heavily insulted, I agree. And it pains me to know that tomorrow I won’t be able to at least pop in a little during the day. My job is going to suck the brownest eggs tomorrow.
I’m retarded, lets just leave it at that for my deleted post. It was meant elsewhere, but that’s what I get for having too many windows open…
Lesbian is The Way. As has clearly been decided without my help (you think you guys have problems with the time gap? Try being all the way over the Atlantic...*).
Yay Batman! Guess what I'll be doing this weekend. I'm such a sucker for the summer blockbuster trailers. I'm all, Fantastic Four! War of the Worlds! WILLY WONKA**!
____
* Interesting tidbit: London owes its place as a financial centre entirely to time zones. Apparently the Tokyo and New York markets are never open at the same time, so they need a go-between. At least, so I have heard from a Reliable Source (no, really).
** If you have any doubts about this, just remember, Burton+Depp=cinema gold.
Okay, so its a cheesy teeny bopper movie but the only thing I could think of when I read this was that scene in "Blue Crush" (shut up, it was on television recently and NOTHING else was on) where she's cleaning a hotel room and finds a used condom....EW!! That really HAPPENS?? What is WRONG with people, did their mothers not teach them ANYTHING???
I know my mother and I had a very lengthy conversation about what to do with the used condom when staying in a hotel, but I was raised with old fashion values. Fortunately, this situation has never occurred in my life, but rest assured, if it ever does, I’ll know what to do!
Jon - Hey! Sorry your job is going to suck today, but thanks for stopping by. (Insult not directed at you. Turns out I'm a humorless, over-tired brat by 9:00. Who knew, really?) I'm glad you're mother taught you something, at least.
Chef - I saw Blue Crush just for that scene and thought they had made it WAY less disgusting than it actually was. Plus, you don't clean in teams, so you're all alone with the enemy. And I agree, no one's mothers are teaching them anything truly important these days.
Scroob - Clever use of the asterisk in a comment. It was like a mini-blog there. The time zone change is particularly upsetting when I consider that we are all in sleep-land when our dear Scroob signs on. Fate is cruel.
Oh - and thanks for the mythology. I can see I will have write a lovely little story if I ever get my blog-god.
Damn! I needed that earthquake to be bigger… that little pathetic rolling didn’t knock out the power grid or anything… curses!!
I hear your pain. I had only time to come up with a wonderfully adventurous fantasy involving the rescue of small, ill children when the whole thing was passed and I was forced to go back to work. The least mother nature could do here in Earthquake Alley is give us an hour's break if she's gonna rob us the book deal.
There's some scary grammar in these here comments (mostly from me).
So which part of living in southern CA am I supposed to like?
Had my comment not been eaten by that nasty Mouse at SarahEliza's, then you would know that I don't think you HAVE to like LA - I just took a personal offense at claiming it was "the people" who drove you away....just sayin'. If I next catch you writing that the only people you dislike as much as Californians are Idahoans, well, I'll just get the hint and leave you be. *harumph* *sniff* *sob*.
Glo, go check out my latest post. It's for you. 10 is the best.
And for the record, I LOVE Idahoans.
So G-Lo, what are you doing this weekend? Want to go act cool in front of some Idahoans? We can say things like, “Dude, did you check out Omar’s latest kick ass post? Yup, totally made the top 10… it’s pretty sweet, there’s only like, 9 other things on there besides ourselves. It’s pretty exclusive.”
Hey! I totally know how to act cool in front of Idahoans! I can pull this off, really. Believe me. All it takes is a truck, some wire fence, and a cow. Dude, this will totally rock!
As for Omar's post, well, what can I say? I'm honored. I mean, his overall positive image of California, it was really AMAZING to be among the top ten.
Obviously, 12 minutes have (almost) passed (if you subtract 10).
the lesbian option might work really good if you're in SF :D so, go w/ the fake pregnancy... :D
Shoot. Now I'm conflicted. It was pretty universal before.
I have just downloaded Kung Fu Shuffle and Night in Bangkok...what does that say about me?
It says more than you could possibly imagine… go ahead… imagine some stuff… nope, still says more than that…
And then some, I imagine. I meant that comment as a bridge back into bugging you into telling me about my ninja. Alas, I forgot the rest of the plan. Curse my meager intelligence.
You think that would work on me? Here’s my reply: You don’t want to know what your ninja name means. You might take it as an insult, and I can’t risk that. I mean, you hold my life in the palm of your hand everyday… I have a little read dot over my heart that says so… I call it may heart dot. (not to anyone other than myself though… when people ask what it is that’s following me around, I convince them that they are crazy and need to see the eye doctor.)
All right. I don't need to add insult to injury tonight. I will forever drop the subject and remain perplexed, imagining the worst.
Just for the record, sometimes I find the G-Lo piece of my personality so damn annoying I want to strangle her dead. Since 'she' is really all people in Blogland know of me, I probably wouldn't be that offended. But then, I might. Who knows? My reactions surprise me a lot.
Since I'm feeling so obliging, I can also stop stalking you if you'd like. I have been told that I know how to drive a joke to extinction.
I'm off to cheer up with Strongbad e-mails.
Beating a dead horse is also one of my specialties. I get it from my dad. He’s a bona fide horse beater. I try not to be too gratuitous, but unless I can sense that someone is getting sick of it, I just don’t know any better. I still think it’s funny, but I could be alone on that one. If it is over, it was a helluva ride!
Wow that's a lot of comments to read.
As someone who had 4 months of experience hiding a pregnancy, I offer my services on teaching you all you need to know on faking a pregancy...I'm pretty sure it's just the opposite...or something like that.
I personally feel like you should go as you and just wear a tshirt that says "bite me!" (or your shirt from cate, which would offer a lot of distraction from the single issue..."your mom dated WHO?" and "Who's Spike?" from the older generations.)
I blame society for making us feel as if we've done something wrong just because we're still single when we're not even 30 yet. If what's-her-face from the 'Good Morning America' (or whatever, I wasn't really paying attention) can have twins at her age, there is PLENTY of time to get married and have babies...right?
FYI...this peptalk is not just for you, it's for me too...I spent last night watching movies with a guy I was once crazy about and I now realize that the spark isn't there anymore...damn it.
Condoms should have the ability to self-destruct. And if a guy tries to get a girl pregnant by taking it off during sex (without telling her and being very sneaky about it) then he deserves to have it shrink until it's impossible to remove without going to a surgeon.
But I'm not bitter.
I promise if I ever leave condoms laying around in a hotel room, I'll leave a HUGE tip for housekeeping...my way of "payin forward."
PS I love that you have 52 comments...how far it's come in such a short amount of time! Yay!
Damn. So I lied. I couldn't resist the draw of my own site. Is that so wrong? Can't a girl have a little of her own?
Just to warn you, I still make jokes I used to make in grade school. So, you've missed your shot. You could have wrankled free right here. Just remember that when I'm standing over your bed with a knife next time. No more of that girly screaming, ok? The giggles I get just kill my insanely cruel image.
Oh, and while I'm on the subject, the competition you're creating is very frustrating. I am in constant arbitration with the other would-be stalkers. I may have to result to unsavory techniques!
Man, you sooo missed your one chance....(Truly gone...closing browser....)
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