One long ago day in the land of the free.
A Dragon was made from a maiden was she.
Forced to move from her home,
No more in Ontario to roam,
See her new lease did too much raise the fee.
Her response reminisced a Man from Nantucket.
As that oppression she did try to buck it.
Yet no more could she try
A new home she must buy
With a nice roomate if she should luck it.
Yet her dragonly ways threatened her friends to destroy
So a kindly, not talented, scribe she did employ
He wrote down her woes
And fought off her foes
Until the Dragon was less lonely to her joy.
Our heroic choices made horrible rhyme
But we made them still the sa-ime
How we slayed the Pac-King!
How we cleaned everything!
And in the end had a really good time.
So here comes the bitter end
Of a terrible tale without mend
About a Dragon fair
And her Scribe debonair.
Soon our belongings to new place we send.
The Dragon each day finds a smile on her face
Although sad to leave that once glorious place
Her friends all have stopped by
With tear in their eye
Knowing soon Dragon will leave without a trace.
Should that day to you ever come,
When to new lands you drum,
Remember this clue
Just from Dragon to You:
Buy in bulk or you'll really be dumb.
Countdown to Humanity: 1 day
14 comments:
I have to agree with Dragon on this one. I mean, how epic is a tale really if it doesn’t have at least one poem? How are future generations suppose to learn about the trials and tribulations of the Dragon and her Scribe without a mostly rhyming poem? That’s Epic Tales 101.
Have you been photographing the Dragon’s change? I’ll bet that would be good for future infomercials. You’d have the before: Dragon… then you’d pull back the curtain and say, “I used to be giant dragon, but look at me now!” (this would be most effective once all the hair is back on your head. I don’t think you’d have to many takers if you went from a dragon to some sort of mangy stray Mexican rodent looking thing. I’m just saying…)
Oh, that is bad poetry. But the joy at your safe return has overwhelmed the bad poetry shuddering.
I can't say much about the photographs...if I say 'Diane Sawyer' will you follow my logic? It's been an incredible journey. We were honored to have the ABC along for the swashbuckling.
Unfortunately, still a little rat-looking, but that may be Dragon's baseline. I didn't know her when. The guy at Wendy's last night was drooling, though, so we must be getting close. Or he might be a rat-eater. One can never tell these days...
Cate - dragon said to make sure it turned your stomach a little. She kinda likes to tease you, you know.
Not sure I can use Wendy’s employees as a good barometer. In N’ Out employees, ok, Wendy’s… eh… Taco Bell… don’t even talk to me. I just cut my hair though, so it’s only about ¼ of an inch long right now, so I’m not sure I can really talk.
Looks like the local diner with its pack of Hogs will be the place for you, then...(BTW - will that help to age you a bit? I associate the buzz cut with pre-adolescents AND buff army guys, so I don't know how it will affect the general populace.)
The Taco Hell guys were still crazy over the 100 foot dragon, so I'm with you on that one. I generally find a very upscale employee base at Wendy's - I think it's the use of real cheese on the baked potato that requires a slightly more educated group.
Pizza delivery boys are the gold standard, but they are so select in LA that Dragon has never been able to qualify for home delivery - don't tell her I told you. She's very touchy about being refused by Dominos (a few comments about the Cheeseburger pizza and you're blacklisted!).
The haircut is a direct result of my laziness. When it’s that short, I don’t have to do anything to it, and that suits me. I’m destined to look like a pre-adolescent no matter what I do.
Well, I’ve worked for both Pizza Hut and Papa Johns, so I won’t say anything about dominos… I will say that I used to deliver to places that were out of our delivery area all the time, because I was probably the best damn delivery driver Ventura has ever seen. Unfortunately, that’s not much of claim to fame. I really need to let that go and move on with my life. But I will say that Pizza delivery guys probably developed their discriminating taste from night after night of delivering deep dish, double pepperoni, beef, pork, bacon, anchovy pizzas with extra cheese to people. People that you would not classify as super models. You’d be more likely to classify them as morbidly obese. Do not feel bad about being rejected for pizza delivery, it just means that you are not a disgusting display of humanity.
But it cuts, man...it just cuts. I mean, I (I mean, Dragon, of course) pride myself on being the vanilla of humanity - while not loved, at least acceptable in nearly every grouping of flavors. Yet, I am not good enough for pizza delivery.
It's okay, though, because I am the TOP of the Bagel guy criteria. We've all got our thing.
BTW - have you considered inducing male pattern baldness? It would help with the age thing. You could donate your hair to Polo Dude (Take that, Brother mine! De-lurk or face my stinging barbs!)
Wow, you don’t pull any punches with siblings… as for inducing baldness, I don’t know how to do that. If I could, I think I would make just the back half of my head go bald and keep a nice tuft of hair right up front that I could maneuver around depending on the situation. (slicked back for when I’m trying to look tough, or to the left when I’m trying to impress my boss.)
Trust me, five years of delivery… you don’t want to be grouped in with those people. They are the rhubarb/tamale/seaweed/cigar-flavored ice cream of the world. No need to associate. (Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve offended someone with that comment. But let me defend myself by saying, “if I didn’t deliver to you, then you don’t count, so you’re not in that group.” That was some nice back peddling, wasn’t it? Of course, now I’ve crossed up on the Dragon because I never delivered to her either… oh what a tangled web I’ve woven.)
One word, my friend: tweezers. It's how we girls induce partial eyebrow baldness. The brave wax. The braver get electrolysis - yikes.
Be careful with the pizza crowd - not only have they excluded me, but they are STILL the only group that find me via Google. Hence the reason I mention the cheeseburger pizza and/or Dominos on a regular basis. Gotta please the fans...
I watch a lot of late night TV, and for the oh so affordable price of $19.99, the Australians have come up with a product that I think will aid me in my never ending quest to look like I’m at least 19 years old. It’s so simple even I can’t believe it. I just smear it on and wipe it off. No more hair, no pain! Can it get any better? I say that it cannot!
Also, cheeseburger pizza is the lamest name I’ve ever heard of. And I never understood why we charged more for a Hawaiian Pizza then we did for one that had Canadian Bacon and Pineapple on it. Same exact thing.
glo - Good to have you back! (Now stop letting reality get in the way of our entertainment.) My symptoms have all subsided thanks to the abundance of comments. And to the poetry, which, in all its badness, is still better than I could come up with.
jon - Please tell me you're not talking about Nad's no-heat hair removal gel. It hurts...um... so I've heard. Nair for Men to bring the hairline back a bit, then get a fake goatee. BAM - 10 years older.
Omar! I thought you'd forgotten all about me...it's been so long. Sorry to make you suffer. And to think I pride myself on my adherence to the Hippocratic oath...
Jon, dear. It's tweezers or wax. The Nair/Nad stuff will only result in maximum pain and ugly chemical burns. I have a lovely little scar on my right leg to prove that bit of wisdom. So, just think of all the non-jail-bait chicks you will finally be able to pick up and pluck away! (BTW, had very funny Michael Jackson joke planned, but was too cowardly to use it. Darn my fear of public criticism.)
In case lurking brother is still amidst us - Polo Dude, I have 27 years of pent-up ridicule just waiting to spring at you -- come out, come out wherever you are...
Omar: I hadn’t even considered prosthetics… you’re a genius.
1gc: I live next to a high school. I know all about jail bait. I think I’ll go with the wax and someone else will have to do it. I might screw up and accidentally take off my eyebrows… no one needs to see an eyebrowless bald guy with an obviously fake goatee.
Ha, ha. Just had a vision of eyebrowless guy with goatee cruising the local high school. Very funny.
Alas, must return to the boxed apartment. Thanks for playing, y'all. See you soon.
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