In honor of my 1000th page load. You have been beyond kind during this infant stage of my blog life. I wrote this little entry based on some of my favorite blog moments of the past 3 months. My aunt once criticized me for my love of inside jokes. I never heeded her advice to abandon the practice. I apologize for anyone I missed. I am crazy about you all, but many of you are too sane to fit into this particular bit.
Socially-Responsible Stalkers of America
Annual Report May 2005
To my dear brothers and sisters in the stalking industry:
What a wonderful year to be your leader! Thank you all for your donations, support and hard work. Among our many amazing achievements:
---The court document recycling program has successfully spared 10,000 trees.
---Save the Endangered Lawn Rodents! campaign has doubled the vole population.
---Sistership with SPAM has decreased the psychological impact of stalking, making interactions between victim and perpetrator a 2-way partnership in codependence.
---The change to Apple operating systems has left us a confirmed 75% sexier.
---Our subvert lobby group (a.k.a. Christian Right) has successfully stymied the senate in negotiations about nonsense. This year alone, 5 gun control bills were tabled in order to discuss fertility treatments, No Child Left Behind, and the War in Iraq.
Truly, an amazing year! I predict by next year we will have our own tax ID and a Stalkers Bill of Rights! It’s an exciting time.
Finally, a teaser for the upcoming 2005 Convention! As you know, last year’s convention was interrupted by my unfortunate arrest. I would like to thank you all for carrying on in my absence. Due to your efforts, the continued stalking of my beloved created enough reasonable doubt that I was acquitted. As a token of my appreciation, I have invited one of my favorite bands, Jazz…in strange places, to entertain us at the evening gala.
In addition to great music, here are the confirmed topics for the event:
---What’s with Granola, Anyway? Surprising Ways to Poison a Lover
---Zen and the Art of Rifle Maintenance
---The Bridget Jones Manual: How to Hide Your Sinister Side
---BeanStalkers 101: Cate’s Guide to Effective Packages and Letters
Please remember that safety on means safety first. Protect yourselves, stay low to the ground, and renew those hunter safety cards. This year is certain to be our best yet!
Socially-Responsible Stalkers of America
Annual Report May 2005
To my dear brothers and sisters in the stalking industry:
What a wonderful year to be your leader! Thank you all for your donations, support and hard work. Among our many amazing achievements:
---The court document recycling program has successfully spared 10,000 trees.
---Save the Endangered Lawn Rodents! campaign has doubled the vole population.
---Sistership with SPAM has decreased the psychological impact of stalking, making interactions between victim and perpetrator a 2-way partnership in codependence.
---The change to Apple operating systems has left us a confirmed 75% sexier.
---Our subvert lobby group (a.k.a. Christian Right) has successfully stymied the senate in negotiations about nonsense. This year alone, 5 gun control bills were tabled in order to discuss fertility treatments, No Child Left Behind, and the War in Iraq.
Truly, an amazing year! I predict by next year we will have our own tax ID and a Stalkers Bill of Rights! It’s an exciting time.
Finally, a teaser for the upcoming 2005 Convention! As you know, last year’s convention was interrupted by my unfortunate arrest. I would like to thank you all for carrying on in my absence. Due to your efforts, the continued stalking of my beloved created enough reasonable doubt that I was acquitted. As a token of my appreciation, I have invited one of my favorite bands, Jazz…in strange places, to entertain us at the evening gala.
In addition to great music, here are the confirmed topics for the event:
---What’s with Granola, Anyway? Surprising Ways to Poison a Lover
---Zen and the Art of Rifle Maintenance
---The Bridget Jones Manual: How to Hide Your Sinister Side
---BeanStalkers 101: Cate’s Guide to Effective Packages and Letters
Please remember that safety on means safety first. Protect yourselves, stay low to the ground, and renew those hunter safety cards. This year is certain to be our best yet!
7 comments:
All too often I think we find ourselves caught up in the old fashion 1950’s style social structure that says, “you shouldn’t stalk people.” I believe your efforts here are starting to show the world that simply is not true. I think when the public learns of the kind of productive services you offer (i.e. post-it notes in my fridge warning me about potential life threatening diseases the various items therein may instigate or the near constant vigilance over my apartment making sure that no one else dare intrude on me while I slumber) they will start to turn that stalker frown upside down and smile on the possibilities. I dare say it isn’t long before everyone hopes they have a stalker of their own. Bravo I say, bravo.
(By the way, if you could somehow turn this into an audio post, with a nice echo-y sounding auditorium microphone and an immensely supportive crowd that bursts out cheering at the completion of each listed milestone, that would be spiffy.)
A banner year indeed (with one glaring exception). Congrats on the 1000th page load!
And don't forget next year's exciting class!
BeanStalkers 201: Cate's Guide to Effectively Brainwashing the Public through Blogging. I Did It, You Can Too!
Jon - it's in part thanks to your beaming testimonials that we have been able to advance our cause. When people see how content you are with a personal stalker, they think twice before running to the judge. Thanks for your support.
Omar - Unfortunately, we feel that the rights of lawn rodents far outweight the rights of humans. We're stalkers, man, not murderers.
Cate - We all eagerly anticipate the next installment. We hope to use blogging to elect you to congress in 2008.
i'm very excited to provide the entertainment. expect some of my standards: "it really is a concidence, i swear," "you were wearing that shirt two days ago," and "isn't it romantic."
it's an honor!
These sound perfect. "Coincidence" is, as you know, our theme song.
You guys are all very, very silly.
Can I be like you when I grow up?
PLLLLEEEAAASSSEEE???
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