The Mostly Ignorant News

As the editor for The Mostly Ignorant News I regret to bring to you an alarming story in place of our regular segment, Cases Solved Entirely By Volunteers by english ex-patriate Lemony Snicket**. In fact, in a barely related bit of alarm, Mr Snicket has apparently been replaced by a cow, which serves as a rather unusual if not poignant segue into the matter at hand.

You may be aware that The Mostly Ignorant News is a collection of news nibbles my staff and I gain between naps on the morning train and through eavesdropping on the evening train. Mr. Snicket occasionally goes undercover, but that is rarely as effective or enjoyable as dozing peacefully on a train while listening to private conversations.

The news matter that has weighed on my mind is a recent announcement by the LAPD that "no charges will be filed in chimps' attack." I read this headline on the back page of my neighbor's LA Times and was immediately flabbergasted. I asked myself, "How can I bring the problem of zoo lawlessness to the forefront of public conversation?"

My only hope is you good people. These chimps must be brought to justice. I recognize that they were locked in a cage and possible starved, but that does not give anyone the right to bite the hand that doesn't feed.

I have been a proponent of harsher punishment for animal crime since the day I brought my new car home only to have it vandalized in the brown and white common to the local pigeon gang. Then, I read a disturbing report of vole drug peddling. Now, rabid chimps have escaped the night stick of the law, which has effectively dispersed our human gang problem to places as remote as Gary, Indiana.

I overheard the following comment from a LA sheriff's deputy, "These chumps are becoming more uncontrollable every day and now their parents are beginning to sue." I forgive him for making the common error of confusing "chimps" with "chumps" as it is so logical in these days of zoo animal mania. Further investigative reporting, undertaken through intermittent moments of attention to NPR, revealed that an obscure region of Canada, likely overrun by punk polar bears but I didn't hear that part, has "been forced to dealy elections until further notice" and, heard after a brief nap, US Supreme Court Justice Scalia stated that we "only have the Justice Department to blame."

Be aware, people, that our streets are being overtaken by wild animals and there is no one trying to stop them. The cheetahs have blatant disregard for residential speed limits. There was a report of indecent exposure by giraffes during a school visit to the zoo, and the hate crimes perpetrated by felines against the rodent population are sickening. It's true: the junkies have been bitten by monkeys, the wizards turned into lizards, and the nerds overtaken by herds.

Unless we take prompt action, I fear that this problem will expand to our domestic animals. I hope we will heed the prophetic warnings of 1950s horror films about birds, spiders, space monkeys, and even that icky black stuff stuck to boats, for I have no doubt but that this case of chimps being above the law is a portent for apocalyptic events. We are in truly perilous times.

Next week in The Mostly Ignorant News: Vigilante Justice - Stopping the Influx of Butterflies, Dung Beetles and Mosquitos.

** I apologize for the blatant stealing of the character Lemony Snicket. It was done out of deep respect, and more than a little comic envy. Everyone who dares describe themselves as "snarky" or "sarcastic" should read Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography. I laughed until I cried - even when reading the index!