Brought to You by the Makers of Blogs Everywhere
Voiceover: Good evening and welcome to the Blog Envy Awards. Tonight's young and hip presenters were all arrested for drunk driving on the way to the awards show, so we bring you the classier and hotter (if you've seen White Palace) James Spader and the lovely Emily Blunt - who happened to be sitting next to him.
and about 100 other young, nubile stars fall down the stage. Two vomit. Police surround them and clap on handcuffs.Paris: ohhhhh.....that's hot.
Lindsay: No. That's crass. Crass is in now. Hot is so....uhhhh. And by now everyone's done handcuffs so that's not even interesting, you backstabbing frenemy!
Paris: That's hot. Giving back is hot. I'm practicing charity. Can you see my charity?
Police guy: You know, ladies. I've got a hot tub.
"Painting Chef - Cheaper Than Therapy"
Best Profile Image Award: Stella
Congratulations, Lianne! You are also the winner of this year's Most Blog Design Overall Award for your work not only on your blog but at least 34% of all blogs in existence! These awards were presented earlier over a frozen meal. I played music and gave your awards speech. It was lovely. Thanks for playing!
You Made Me Laugh Awards:
Big, Bad, Evil Spider Award: RaJ
"Do spiders sweat? You’d think this one would be hot, considering the heavy fur coat it wore. In the sweltering Florida summer heat…Sorry. Where was I? Right, giant spider, baby’s room, call for help. Except I was kind of, you know. Sleeping." -- RaJ
Least Likely to Meet Someone While Reading: Syar
Least Likely to become a River Guide: Jules
Best use of a crude noise to make a point: Andy for his response to MTV's idea of quality programming
Best use of posts so long I've never actually read one: Chris (who I don't know and thus cannot hyperlink but the Blog God Awards Committee assures me the posts are dreadfully long)
Most Likely To Be On Any Google Search List: Sarcomical
"And my personal favorite:"The eagle has landed, the eggs are in the nest"HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I bet you were very disappointed to find this instead of something more relevant. Sorry." -- Sarcomical
Best piece of captured conversation plus a really important implied fashion tip: Dan, as quoted by Nadia
"Dan: "I'm want to yawn but I'm scared.
Syar: "You're afraid to yawn? Why?"
Dan: "When I yawn my pants fall down." Duly noted, Dan. Duly noted.
Vanity Awards
Best use of undisclosed RLI as a blog-suicide method: Glo (please don't tell me you need a hyperlink for this one...*feeling lightheaded*)
Yeah, I've Been There, Sista Award for Blogger Who Feels About Mondays as I Do: Stella
"In any case, my life just FEELS frustrating, I FEEL really frustrated with things...There is more to the story, however, I must go and dress and dry hair and prepare for the Monday ahead. I pray for a sense of calm and I hope that all is well for you. I"m sure things will be fine, but I have a lot of stuff I have to figure out how to handle...." -- Stella
Most likely to remind me of someone I know and love: Syar
Most likely to remind me of myself: Nadia
"It is. I feel much better now that I've stopped expecting myself to be pretty constantly. It's very liberating." -- Nadia
Most Likely to Pull a Post Before I Think Up a Comment: Nadia
I'm So Glad We Re-Connected Award: (tie) Charith and iluv2sing
Most likely to send me a cool gift from foreign lands that always makes me smile: (tie) Syar and Nadia
Most likely to head up an attempt to unite the fictional and nonfictional worlds of bloggers around the globe: RaJ
Most likely to go the extra mile for me and not ask anything in return: Lianne
Most likely to think I'm awesome even when I'm not being awesome: iluv2sing, Charith, and Cate (because they know who I am 99% of the time)
Most likely to forgive me for the lame-o stuff I do: Cate
Most likely to be thanked if I ever win a major award: Cate (and she knows why)
Most likely to be the reason my music collection is less embarrassing: Cate
Most likely to be a major reason for a sudden attack of insecurity and/or envy (a.k.a. The Take in Small Doses Award and Do Not Operate Machinery or Drive a Car for at least Two Hours After Reading): (tie)Chef and Scroob and BohemianGirl
The "I don't care how much it costs, if I ever figure out how the hell to be in love, stay in love, and actually get married, YOU'RE GONNA BE MY PHOTOGRAPHER" Award: Bohemian Girl
The "Yeah, I Get This" Award: Dancing Mermaid
"i also started getting overwhelmed with advice on how to get better and i felt way too exposed, and for the first time in my life i became guarded." -- Dancing Mermaid
Post that most reminded me of Ron Weasley: Dooce
"I just got a phone call from a friend, and when she told me she was calling from Switzerland, I could feel myself starting to talk louder and louder until I was screaming, just in case she couldn’t hear me all the way over there." -- Dooce
Make me WOW.... Awards
Most Unwavering Commitment to Making People Appreciate How Good They've Really Got It: Cadiz
Most honest and gut-wrenching moment of real life getting emotionally messy: Cadiz
"If a spoiled princess like me had trouble relinquishing the spotlight a couple of times, I can’t imagine how terrible it is for people who are overlooked more often. Sure, they shrug it off as it's-okay-no-big-deal-don't-worry-about-it (always so agreeable, aren't they?) and never call their loved ones out for forgetting to invite them, or treating them unfairly, or not doing as much for them as they do for others. Perhaps they're content enough with themselves that it really doesn’t bother them. But honestly, I don’t buy one word of that crap. Nobody should feel like they are invisible, unless it's either buildup for a surprise party or else some tabletop canoodling a la Sixteen Candles. No matter how noble the reason, if you make a habit out of taking the back seat, it’s easy to start thinking you belong there." -- Cadiz
The happiest Married Man in the whole USA...well, Japan: Silly_boy_in_Japan
"I am truly blessed! I could write all night long about how wonderful my wife is...how much I love her...but...i've written enough for today."
Most frequent use of the word 'blessed' in any blog post: Silly_boy_in_Japan
"I am blessed ...I am blessed....I am blessed....I am blessed..."
Most Beautiful Prayer Ever Posted on the Internet: Bliss
"I can be trusted with people's hearts -- I will build my fellow man up and not tear them down, I will encourage and inspire and not degrade or ridicule. I have an infinite amount of love to give and the capacity to accept love." -- Bliss
Most dedicated father on the Internet (and most likely to expose his offspring to public spoofing): RaJ
Best Father/Son Moment on the Internet: Omar and The Boy
The cutest dog on the Internet awards: (tie) Rob's dog and Carolyn's dogs
Best Post Ridiculing a HOT guy on a popular TV show: Glo
"Jack: Ah, man....we're only halfway through the season. I'd better go and kill someone. That 45 seconds of humanity really brought down my kill count." -- Glo
Husbands are Lovely Pieces of a Happy Life Awards: (tie) Mr. Bliss and Mr. Chef
Question & Answer Session That Most Captures Personality and Reminds Nadia Somehow of Herself - Jon
Post Most Likely to Result in Upswinging Income for Psychics Everywhere: Schmoopy
Most Impressive Use of Word and Image in a Single Blog Post: Leonie
Best Use of Numbers in a Blog Post: Omar
"1,000,000 - The number of times easier it would have been to compile these stats if I had either stuck with Blogger, or required an email address for commenting all along " -- Omar
The "With a Friend Like This, Who Needs More Friends?" Award: Nina, friend of Leonie
Honorable mention to the Malaysian Ragamuffins
Great Idea Awards:
Best Reason to Do Anything: Jenny
"But truth be told, I was fascinated with this idea. It was sort of like mental cocaine, the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could actually do the things I wanted to do just ‘cuz. No need for any lengthy dissertations or comprehensive oral exams where I had to prove my worthiness. Just. ‘Cuz." -- Jenny
Best Idea for a Friday: Bliss
"share a banana split with your best friend, it's friday." -- Bliss
Gentlest Way to Effect Great Change: All things Lianne, of course
Best Idea for a Non-Threatening Religious Movement - Present Simple
"I will not Google the eye-tic healing powers of chocolate. I will BELIEVE." -- Present Simple
Best Advice that Never Goes Out of Style: Abe Lincoln (by way of Carla Blazek)
Blogger Awards
Best winner of LOTS of awards: Omar
Congratulations, Omar! You are also the winner of this year's Always Makes Me Laugh Award! These awards were presented earlier over a frozen meal. I played music and gave your awards speech. It was lovely. Thanks for playing!
Most likely to come up with a link immediately if it means he'll win extra awards: Omar
The Continually Impressive Yet Perpetually Non-Existent Blog: Grendel (not hyperlinked for obvious reasons)
Most Famous Blogger that I Don't Get But Everyone Else Loves: Dooce
Best Proof Ivy League Colleges Are The Death of Blogs - Dem
The "Just Flying By" Award for Random Commenting: Artguy
The Almost-Returned-From-the-Dead Blogger award a.k.a. Most likely to be hailed for his return only to watch him disappear again - Dem
Proof that blogging every day and still having a life IS possible: Cadiz
Most Eagerly Anticipated Annual Return to Blogging by Force/Duty/Coercion - Jon, thanks to NaBloPoMo
Most Loyal Blogger: RaJ
Congratulations, RaJ! You are also the winner of this year's You Made Me Feel Like Blogging Award! These awards were presented earlier over a frozen meal. I played music and gave your awards speech. It was lovely. Thanks for playing!
Most consistently trashy award: X
Blogger With the Best Poker (Type)Face Who Would Pass A Lie Detector Test Even If He Was Saying That the WMDs Really Do Exist - Omar, for his 'Four Truths and A Lie' posts that conitnually leave us all stumped
Most likely to be made into a chicklit move about the power of loving every day (cue music): Present Simple
Most likely to get published one day: LiaCongratulations, Lia! You are also the (unanimous) winner of this year's You Oughta Got an Agent Literary Award! These awards were presented earlier over a frozen meal. I played music and gave your awards speech. It was lovely. Thanks for playing!
Most Regularly Self-And-Life-Examining Blog That Makes You Wish You Were Half As In Tune With Your Thoughts And Feelings - Syar
Most likely to be summarily responsible for the changing social attitudes towards geeks, geekdom, and other completely cool but often marginalized Sci-Fi addicts: RaJ
Most likely to be the subject of the sentence, "Whoa, dude - he did that with Photoshop": Omar
Most Likely to be Featured in a Magazine Titled, The Epitome of Self-Actualization: (tie) Scroob and Lianne and BohemianGirl
Most likely to have her life become the next HBO Chick Show Sensation: Painting Chef
Most likely to be found watching TV: Glo
Best Blogger I've Never Read and can't even locate in order to hyperlink: RR
Awards I'm giving away because HABIT Dictates 70% of all behaviors: Wendela, Katie, Sam, Bluths, Buffalo, and A
Just for the Helluvit Awards: 9 for Omar, 5 for Cate, at least 7 for Lianne, 3 to RaJ, and 9 to Lia because she's just that awesome - oh and what the hell - toss in 2 more for every person who lives in Malaysia or has been there - just because you asked for more awards! Way to campaign, people, way to campaign!
The Big Award:
Lifetime Blog Excellence Award: This year's recipient is Omar Phillips. Feel anticlimactic? Of course it does because it's so obvious. From day one, Omar has thrilled us all with his ability to maintain a funny, pleasant, interesting, and amusing blog day after day after day. He is the ultimate Blog God and this year's winner of our highest award. *
*Award has no cash value. And no mass. But it carries weight. Really. Ask anyone.
Blog God Presentation Awards:
Lianne - for making the whole da** thing possible - she designed the award and the set
Lia - for submitting the most nominations
Syar - for best recommendation of a category (Hint: Dem you owe her for a succinct evaluation of what Ivy League hath done to you)
These individuals will be receiving a special gift basket on behalf of the Awards committee. Without you, this would not have been!
Emily: Well, that was impressive.
James: The sheer volume of errors and misspellings...in breadth alone the grammatical malfeasance was epidemic. The laziness was paramount. Towards the end, it was as though the awards were given to whomever asked for them!
Emily: Oh bloody hell, man, you are hot and insightful. You must help me make highly intelligent, witty and condescending babies for the betterment of society.
James: Thank you, but I'm here with my mother.
Emily: Well, then, there's nothing left to say apart from the very obvious.
James: Of course. *James cues the announcer as the music swells.*
Voiceover: This has been the 3rd Annual Blog Envy Awards brought to you by the makers of Viagra. If a bloated ego doesn't help you, let us try. Viagra. For all your over-the-hill needs.
See You Next Year!
Have a Happy Thanksgiving to all Americans!