Oh What a Circus! Oh What a Show!

On the way home, I called a school friend about an assignment.

"Girl, you should so not be calling me. Have you talked to our sista?"

Now, I'm not an "in the hood" kind of person, so I responded with a giggle that I had not spoken to any of my sisters today.

"Girl, you gotta talk to our sista."

I hung up the phone and called my "sista".

"Hey, what's up? K-doll told me to call you."

White Girl Sista chuckled before she responded, "Well, I got a phone call today with a job offer in Argentina and I want you guys to go with me."

WGSista works for google and has been offered a job in Argentina. She'd have a house and a relocation allowance - all of which could be used to get K-doll and I up and running in international jobs. I was floored by the offer. I'd spent most of the afternoon crying in my office over serious doubts regarding my men. It's time for me to make some choices and it's obvious which one likes me best but I am plagued with concerns. I spent yesterday IMing a complete stranger about my whole life and he was kind enough to listen and give the advice that I want to follow: Never settle. Live big and chase your dreams.

But I know how old I am. I know that if I want a baby, I have to be pregnant yesterday. There comes a time when a woman has to lay aside her own childhood in order to provide a childhood for the next generation. That time for me is now.

It disrespects the good guy who wants to come out on top of this messy love pentagon. He's one of the kindest people I've known and I believe that God approves of him - at least, that's the feeling I get when I pray to know my next step. I have concerns - sure- I passed the train ride writing out 30 different questions and/or conditions I would have to satisfy before I would consent to something beyond casual dating. But those concerns shouldn't reflect on him because there's nothing wrong with him except that he's trying to be romantic with a woman who can't accept the reality imposed on her by elephant thighs and a high IQ. And it's not fair to him for me to feel that he's the "best I can get" because he deserves me to be as far in as he is. He's been gentle, good, decent, and understanding. He listens to me. He enjoys seeing me happy. I can't imagine for asking more personally....but there are concerns. I don't mean to ask for perfection but I am a person with a large ego and I wonder if I really am self-sacrificing enough to....of course I am. Of course! Because it means family and children and stability - things I know I cannot pass by if I want to be truly content with my life.

But then there's Argentina....the mere idea sparks that life I feel when adventure is on the horizon. But it also brings a certain darkness - an awareness of what I could be choosing and myriad questions about how I will feel when the price of that choice falls due.

I didn't discuss this with WGSista. I know her opinion because she volunteered it.

"Come on. You know that you'll get hotter Latin men than you can get Americans. They like a girl with ass."

Oh, I love these girls. Even though they spend endless hours not getting my religion while going on and on about how much they wish they possessed my spiritual gifts, I love them....and I'm tempted to run away with them.

A benediction to the kids we lost today

As always, I vow to work harder.
As always, I vow to work stronger.
As always, I vow to think more, move faster, push harder.
For you, I fight every day.
For you, I live.

You were funny, dear girl. One of my favorites. You would enter in a whirl of wit with non-stop energy, even in a wheel chair and attached to oxygen. You left a hole no person can fill and I dread the person who follows in your now-absent footsteps. You reminded me that laughter is the gift life gives to travellers and that even if bodies fail, laughter can dance behind sunken eyes. I treasure our last conversation. I miss you. Just one day after your death and I miss even the idea of you.

You were sweet, little boy. The last time I saw you, you blew kisses. We all wanted a different outcome for you. As I hugged your loved one today and cried for you, I thought of your sweet attempts to learn speech. The last time I saw you...it seems unbelievable that your clouded eyes will never attempt to focus on our faces as you blow kisses past us to the wall, trying to express affection you received without question. Our love for you seems to swirl in the space left empty of your embrace.

As always, I vow to work harder.
As always, I vow to work stronger.
As always, I vow to think more, move faster, push harder.
For you, I fight every day.
For you, I live.

Come Away to the Sunday School

In the church I attend, responsibilities are shared amongst all members of the congregation. We have no paid or professional clergy. The Bishop - who is a volunteer like everyone else - issues the responsibilities or callings as we refer to them. We believe that the Bishop is inspired to give each responsibility to each person, and, for the most part, I've never seen that proven wrong. As for me, I have a talent for singing so I get to be musical in church. It's just who I am. Most recently, I've been the ward chorister - song leader in other faiths - as well as the music leader for the 18 month to 3 year olds. In my spare time, I helped my sister with her calling in the women's organization - the Relief Society.

Today I met with the Bishop for the annual pre-tax review of my donations - this is called tithing settlement but I'm trying to keep things colloquial. The Bishop, a wonderful man the likes of which the world has rarely known, attempts to kill multiple birds with each visit to his office, so I was wary. He started out with the usual records verification and issuing of the tax document. Then he started to discuss his goals for the congregation (we call them wards). Among these, he mentioned a desire that the members would arrive 5 minutes before start time in order to have a more reverent meeting. Since I have a bad habit of arriving just as the music starts, I nodded and made a mental note of his desires.

Then he said, "I've told the members I'm serious about this. We will be releasing them from callings. I meant you. I mean, we won't be releasing you from your callings just yet but soon."

I laughed, assuming he was jesting me and trying to suggest in a non-offensive way that I get up earlier on Sundays. Then I looked at him. He was serious! This Bishop and I have been through muck together. I was stunned. He usually tells me the honest truth. Had I really been this obviously delinquent at the start of meetings?!

"Am I that bad?" I said in shock.

"What?! Huh? I have a new calling for you."

"Wait. So, the release has nothing to do with the lateness."

"Are you late a lot?" The Bishop asked, looking equally stunned.

"Uhm...no. Of course not. I'm very diligent." Liar, liar, pants on fire - my brain repeated the refrain.

The Bishop proceeded to issue the new responsibility - something else musical that will still require I show up on time, so no big surprise. He didn't mention the children, though.

"So, Bishop, will I still be working with the children?" I asked

"What? Oh. I forgot about that. Why did you let me give you so many callings?"

I laughed. "I'm a good girl, I am. I just cain't say no."

He laughed. "Wow. That's just hilarious. I hope I haven't given other people so many callings. But no, I want you to just have one. I feel you were underutilized."

"I was underutilized with two callings?" I asked.

He segued nicely into another discussion. I had to ask him to sign a paper I was supposed to have signed 2 months ago. I hoped that wouldn't prove his point regarding lateness.

A few hours later, I met with another leader in our church. He took the opportunity to expound on my many wonderful virtues - which are many - I may whine on this blog but in real life, I'm quite lovely. He made certain to point this out and then pondered out loud, "How is it a wonderful woman like you isn't currently dating?"

I laughed - it's not worth getting upset since he was only being nice and supportive. So, I told him that I'm doing okay for myself. He just shook his head and expounded on more of my virtues, including a good attitude - that one made me feel a bit guilty - he obviously hasn't seen this blog. When I got home, I said to my brother-in-law what I wished I'd said to him: Don't tell me about my virtues - tell the men. But for the most part, I was flattered by his kindness and regard for me.

I read another article in the Times about the horrible nature of religion - how it ruins the world and makes everyone miserable. I know each viewpoint is valid but I just don't agree. I feel marginalized for who I am outside the church - and non-religious persons feel marginalized within - so here's the harsh reality - whenever we are with a group who does not consider US to be the in-crowd, we will feel outside. The group isn't wrong. The organization isn't evil. It's just not US - so, eliminating the organization won't make US better - in fact, it will just make US more like the bigots and haters who have hurt so many people. WE are just who WE are....no more, no less. The world would be a lot better place if everyone just accepted that no single experience is perfect for all - and then we left people alone to find their joy, shared our point of view when asked (you never know when someone is an US who needs home), and just loved everybody in between. We're all just people, people.

On that thought, I'm going to bed tonight with the happy realization that starting tomorrow, I only have one responsibility at church. With school, work, and a happy home life - that's just about the right amount of utilized.

A Story of Paradise

Almost 5 hours into my vacation, I sat 5 feet from the break of the waves. I burrowed my legs deep within the shell-infused sand, closed my eyes, and let the sound of crashing and influx of brine warn me of approaching surf. The waves broke over my head, around my shoulders, or barely moved the shells tickling the tops of my thighs.

Ohana, my mind repeated with each approach of the wave and each retreat into momentary pause.

I'd heard the word in Lilo & Stitch, of course. Somehow, though, the culture that created it made it seem more enhanced, more real. Ohana. Union. In puritan cultures, the concept of family.

I heard a child giggle behind me in harmony with its father's deeper chuckle. In front of my eyes, a surfer fell into the surf and 2 observers groaned his defeat. The waves came in and moved out, bringing sounds of animals, birds, and the smell of fish.

Ohana.

It may seem trite, but for one brief moment, I connected to the whole of universal existence. Union. Ohana. In us all.