not certain that even valium can keep me calm enough to avoid screwing up a relationship in the face of my paralyzing fear of abandonment-induced heartbreak.*
AND
exhausted by the ineptitude of the current administration.**
*I am trying. Really. For this purpose I have valium. But I still froze up. I still panicked. I still withdrew and barely spoke and wished it all to go away quickly. All I can feel is the fear of the reality of romantic disappointments so many and varied that I forget which names go with which faces. How many times have I been here? At least 7...unlucky 7...Sure, today, I'm wonderful. But it just takes one introduction, one false move, one moment of imperfection, one bad day....and I can't take the pressure. So, I'm folding. I don't know what else to do. No matter how much he insists that he can take this withdrawal, quiet and standoffishness...this host of fear and panic....I lost my belief in love so long ago that now it's just a really long walk into a painful conclusion and every day makes the pain that much deeper. No, I am not capable of this. Because as soon as I give in, I will certainly have to experience the pain and I don't have that time to waste. I am trying, really. But this is my best and it's never been good enough. And I don't want to feel it. Instead, I will call my backup guys, I think. But I can't. Because I have all this damned integrity. Because I said I'd try. Because I'm terribly, foolishly hopeful. And I'll pay for that. I always do.
**Spoken like a true oil barren, Mr. President. Not a single mention of alternate fuels in over an hour of mindless babble.
1 comment:
Give yourself some credit. Any guy would be lucky to have you. But hey, at least if all else fails, you can always fall back on hot Prison Dudes (or Babes, for that matter). They can swear their undying love and devotion to you, and you can be sure that they're not going anywhere for the next, I don't know...ten, twenty, thirty years. How's that for security?
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