An open letter to whom it may concern

I would like to go to the movies.

I appreciate your kind offer of a train ride. Or a zoo visit. Or even a romantic hike in Mexico. It's kind. Exhilarating. A few weeks ago, it would have seemed very important and I would have gone even if I am exhausted and suffering from a head cold. I would not have dared to say what I said. But I said it.

I would like to go to the movies. Just the movies. A simple night where my mind learns nothing and I don't even have to talk. I want to go to the movies.

I know it was shocking. I was so afraid to say no a few weeks ago. I felt like a caged animal whose only chance for freedom was adoption, so I worked hard not to be anything but pleasing. What changed? Well, I guess you could say, somewhere between a Picadilly Whip and a goodbye to Big Ben, I saw where the dogcatcher keeps the keys.

I have a future, you see. A real future. Me! Me who felt like she had stopped progressing years earlier, wasted all the good choices, and had 50 more years to endure. Now I know different. Now I have a future. I can be me in my future. Really! Me. Fat, quiet, and somewhat socially off. I can be that. I can even be a doctor. A real doctor. I can have children and be a doctor and work for Doctors without Borders. If today were my future, I would be arranging with the nanny to care for the children while I hobbled off on chubby legs to Myanmar. Yep. That is my future. It's a very nice future because I get to be 100% of value to myself.

You are welcome to come along, of course. I've been told it's nice to have a companion. That sounds lovely. But now that I don't need you for freedom, I'm afraid I've become a bit more strict in my requirements for "companion". In that I am not the companion animal who behaves so well in order to avoid a cage or kick. Some people in my life prefer only one side of me. Well, I'm kinda done with that. I will be living 100% of my future and expressing 100% of myself. I won't be hiding 75% and only showing off the 25% you like. I don't need to do that. Being single or coupled does not change my chances to have my future. Don't like my body size? I suggest you find a one-size-fits-all person as you pass me the popcorn I kindly requested. Don't like my religion? Well, if you don't like my God, you certainly can't like me since He and I are part and parcel, so you are free to move about the cabin and find a seat more fitted to your views so that I may read my scriptures in peace. Don't like my occasional bouts of sad quiet? I'm okay with that - but in my future, I'm permitted to be contemplative and sad when deep thoughts or complicated emotions seize me. I'm very good at solving my own problems, so you won't be needed to 'save' me. You may companion but you may not remake, reject or remold. It's unnecessary. I am perfectly well-suited for my future.

You see, getting to my future is a fun and easy journey. All I have to do is choose the right place for me and then my future will unfold. It's quite exciting. I have purchased a map and marked it up with all the cultural pros and cons that I know about each place. I will keep searching until I find the piece of rock with my name on it. I've been getting very, very close. I've been to a culture where things I believe are still somewhat supported. It wasn't perfect but it gave me hope. If I could find a place so close, then certainly the place where being me is perfectly okay is nearer with every passing trip. And I do love to travel. I have so many dreams that make me happy right now. I have a future. A reason for tomorrow. A reason for lots of tomorrows.

I'm afraid that future does not permit an exciting adventure this weekend. I would just like to go to the movies. If you would like an exciting weekend, I will be happy to hear how it went for you and whatever companion you chose. After the movie, of course. Because I will be at the movies.

What movie? You ask. Well, I want something loud and angtsy, so I think I'll go for Ironman. And then I'll come home and watch Atonement. I've heard its a lovely film for people like me who see the world in shades of truth & consequence. As I watch, I will think of my map and where I should next explore in order to find my future.

I have a future. A tomorrow. A place to be. It feels so lovely after the last several years of hopeless. Me. Myself. I. I have a future that will be happy and complete. I even get to be what I always wanted to be. Barring nuclear war. Or the need to evacuate the planet. Or getting hit by a bus. But that's all a lot less likely than me having a future worth living.

So, no. I do not want to hide behind your wishes for me or follow all your plans. I appreciate the flowers and feel honored by your attention. But I still just want to go to the movies.