Dear London

I have no excuse for The Bachelor: London Calling. Uhm....yeah. If you don't mind focusing on politics, international foibles, and a president that should never have made it further than the Carnie Camp, I would appreciate your kindness. Because the girls are...and the guy is...and I really have no words for the pain I'm enduring as I'm too lazy to cross the room and find the remote.

I suppose I should not quibble. Not only did blogging about the "nice guy" not get rid of him, the power of the blog turned him into a Tribble. Where once there was one, now there are FOUR. Yes, four guys who I'm trying to balance against work, school, and my family time. I like them all for different reasons but I'm at the point that I feel like indecisive Jen from that horrible Bachelorette show(must find energy to seek remote) - and I never saw myself in that light. Ever. I worry that it will all backfire and that I'm being unfair but when I try to choose I just feel undermotivated. At any point, all these guys could meet someone more wonderful. I realize that if they really wanted to be with me, they would be asking for exclusivity, so I'm just filling their time until they find Miss Right.

So, I don't feel like committing myself to one single person. I've been showered with flowers (the dozen roses particularly wonderful), attention, and kindness. I feel much more confident about myself and I've been exposed to a host of good men who are gracious and gentle and well-meaning. They have accepted me for who I am (extra large thighs and all) and I've enjoyed their company tremendously. I figure that England could change everything. April is big and complicated so they're all just getting one date and then I'll be gone for 2 weeks. It would be lovely to come back and find at least 1 still in the game...oh, listen to me. I'm about 3 minutes away from hosting alcohol-fueled cat-fights and passing out roses (where is that remote?! Why do we have to have a plasma TV with no off button?!).

My friend, K, said to me as I wondered if I've fallen into massively bad moral territory: "Of all the people I know, I think you deserve a time of abundance. Let them bring joy into your life." So, that's what I'm doing. I find D heart-melting with his sweet, gracious treatment of me. C and I like all the same entertainment activities. H shares my obsession with travel and love of a good travelogue. Q and I had very similar experiences as children and we can talk for hours about our parents and families. Each guy brings something new and rich to my world and I'm so grateful for each one's company for as long as it lasts. I certainly want them to be happy because they have brought such acceptance to my life.

I guess I have learned some things, though....because I need to figure out what to do, I have pulled apart any artifice. I'm not trying to be attractive or hold onto anyone. I am 500% genuine me on every date. I don't return phone calls - guys have to email or text to find out if I'm available and dates have to be set at least a week in advance....and dates are the only way to talk to me. There are no ongoing hang-outs - dates last a max of 6 hours - because I have homework, school, and family. I feel so confident and free. I feel stable in my own self....and even though i'm far from beautiful, it's made me attractive. Who knew our mothers were right all along?! Wicked, cruel, fickle world.