I am...

officially done even playing with Tarot or other spiritual games. Yesterday, I had a happy turn of events and a good conversation with FR that resolved many of my problems. I went out with my "psychic" friend who read my cards. It was the happiest reading I've ever had - wish fulfillment, resolution of problems, happy days ahead. I felt complete, happy, ready for the next phase and completely at ease in my life and my body.

This morning she emailed to tell me that she'd misread the cards and really my life is about to turn upside-down, be awful, miserable, and full of jealousy and misfortune. All the fears came rushing back. I wanted to run from my relationship, flee the country, quit my job, and hide from joy because my fear of endings became palpably present. My chest seized up as every self-defeating horrible thought crashed back onto me. Then I thought, why do I keep trusting the naysayers when my own spiritual compass says that the time for pain is over for a bit and even if she's right, then I don't want to waste this one happy day worrying about tomorrow.

So, I emailed her back to say thanks but no thanks. I don't need cards or psychics or anything else. My relationship is good today and I'm happy today and I don't need anything more but myself, my God, and a good day. It's such a relief not to be jumping at every sound. Let tomorrow be what it may....perhaps there is jealousy, and misfortune and pain and I will never be allowed to be happy....or perhaps I really am going to get my dream. For this moment, it actually feels more real to say that today is a good day. If for no other reason, the world premiere of High School Musical: The Movie is just the perfect peppy.