Him: I'm really very happy not being religious.
Me: Okay.
Him: You're very religious.
Me: That's the rumor, yes.
Him: I'm happy not being religious.
Me: Okay. Did I miss the moment wherein I asked if you were relgious and/or began to preach faith, repentance, and baptism? Last topic I remember discussing was summer blockbusters.
Him: Uhm. No. You're right. I just thought you'd like to know.
Me: So, what would you like to eat?
Note to the reader: I don't care if my date is religious so long as he remembers his wallet like a good boy so that I don't have to bring out my Wrath of God checkbook.
Second note to reader: I don't have a crazy checkbook.
The date fell back into conversation. I've dated a lot so I can keep a conversation going without too much work. I have an open sense of humor, read plenty, and have background information on enough topics to make a partial fool of myself over anything. We were laughing and joking about Monty Python when our dessert arrived. I wasn't particularly attracted to him and was missing my family at home, so I was kinda glad the date was coming to a close over a really fabulous strawberry parfait. As I grabbed a berry loaded with vanilla bean cream, he initiated the following conversation:
Him: I'm really not in a place to be in a relationship right now. You're a lovely woman, so you should be able to find someone.
Me: ....
Allow me to interrupt the flow of conversation for a brief flashback.
At the end of my last relationship, I was broken. I went to real therapy. Then I wanted to date again but was afraid I'd get in the same abusive mess I'd been in with JackAss. So, I went to relationship therapy. There was this lovely woman who interviewed me and then a few "test dates". At the end, we met together to "discuss" the findings. Here's what happened next:
Her: Well, I felt very positively about you in our interview but the date didn't go well.
Me: Uh....okay....I thought things went fine. You know I'm not good at reading men.
Her: You seemed a little too eager.
Me: Wha?
Her: Yes, he felt pressured. That you wanted a relationship.
Me: Wha?
Her: You'll have to not try so hard.
Me: I wasn't trying! I didn't even think him attractive.
Her: Oh. He didn't get that.
Me: (sarcastically) Really?!
Her: You probably need to learn to control your signals.
Me: What signals?!
Her: Well, he felt you were trying to please him. Laughing too much.
Me: I was being polite! Do you mean I should be rude, disagreeable, and laugh less?
Her: Well, yes. Doing more of that would help your cause.
Me: pause.....and then....
....I laughed.
I laughed some more. When I finally shook my head and regained my composure, me said: "You're nice. We've had fun. That's all I was looking for here. But since you brought it up, let me ask you something: If, at 41, you're not ready to grow up and be a real adult, when do you plan to start?"
I waved over the check as I laughed a bit more. I stopped being all deferent. I kept laughing on the inside.
Note to reader: I was not angry. I didn't care enough to be upset. I just wanted
him to buy me dinner. He did. I ate it. That's all I was looking for so I went
home happy.
Fast forward to last Wednesday. Nice date. New guy. At the end of the date, he asked if I'd like to do the date thing again. Uhm.....so not sure. I feel like I could possibly do the dating thing and this was a really nice guy. In the end, I decided I should give it a go if he really wanted to do so.
Note to readers: I really like steak and ice cream. If any guy anywhere is willing to buy me steak and/or ice cream, I will go. It does not mean I want to have your children. In the past, I may have been prone to romantic fantasy, but then I got burned several times over. Badly. And now...I just want steak. Not even a good beef joke there - just some high-quality iron.
Like the polite (and stupid) woman that I am, I sent a quick thank-you text a few days later. It said, "Thanks for dinner - you're great company. Hope the work week went well!" Yes, I know. I was daring - all that romantic language in one text message.
A few days passed when I got a phone call. We exchanged pleasantries and then he said, "Well, I did intend to take you out, but things are kinda hectic for me right now and I'm not ready for anything serious. Maybe in a few months or so."
And I laughed. Out loud. Outrageously loud! I said, "I'm in the car driving to a political rally after a full day's work. I've got no time to sleep yet alone get serious. I couldn't go out tonight and don't have free time for about a month." Then I dismissed myself from the call. I laughed again as I hung up. Louder. Cuz yeah, right - I'm all over that level of miscommunication.
Apparently, I give off all the wrong signals, yo. But I'll keep dating. I really, really, really like steak. And ice cream. Don't forget the ice cream.
5 comments:
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Get pissy and you're paying for your steak alone.
I vote for laughter and the free meal too.
my thoughts on this: obv, being nice isn't getting you anywhere with these men. it might pay to be slightly rude throughout. then maybe they would stop assuming you're trying to get them to marry you.
on the other hand, the guy you want to find, you know, THE ONE, won't be presumptuous and will want to see your true nice self.
it's a tough world. hang in there.
You have a gift, Glo. You manage to say things I need to hear when I need to hear them. And you make me laugh when I read them. And, in case of miscommunication, that's good laughter.
I think maybe we have almost the same life, except I get less steak. That happened to me last night, almost exactly. I believe in "paying" for my own dinner (I wish; I'm lucky to get drinks) by being good company and laughing and making conversation pleasant. If he's covering the check, I'll try to make it a good experience. Singing for my supper?
Guys get defensive easily. Also, guys assume that every girl they meet falls madly in love with them at first sight and/or is so desperate for male company that she is waiting by the phone for him to deign to give her a piece of attention. They're very often wrong.
Hey! What does she mean, "Guys get defensive easily"?! I totally take exception to that because (a) I'm a guy and (2) I'm not even remotely defensive. Ever.
And even if I am, I probably have great reasons. Possibly.
Also, who knew text messaging = imminent ball and chain? Not me.
You know once you get past the steak and ice cream, and a little before the "I want you to have my children", be sure to ask him if he does anything to assist during a move.
Because if he doesn't, and all he does his whine about how much he hates moving, and he doesn't' even HELP move his own damn stuff... drop kick him.
Knowing you have done it will make me feel so much better.
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