Because it never takes fewer than 4 hours...

Please understand. I am in the midst of a very busy time of life. I'm so busy that I've put a message on my work phone telling people that I'll be forwarding calls through the end of next week, so they should expect to hear from my assistant and ought to attempt to resolve the matter on their own prior to leaving a message (I'm not kidding - that's really what it says). I haven't seen my octegenarian friend in so long that his senility will convince him I'm a brand new person...which means I'll have to hear the prostitute story again. I've put all volunteer work on semi-permanent hold. My study guides and books for the recertification exam are collecting dust...and not for any scientific purpose. And the closest I've come to hoogity in the past 3 weeks involved Pam and Jim's pending first date on The Office.

So, given that I'm not doing anything I normally do, what's making my life so non-stop thrill ride these days?

Car shopping.

Yes. I've become a professional car shopper. It's an easy career to achieve - you just have to wreck your brand new car within 6 days of purchase. As the car spins around, you'll find yourself indoctrinated into Car Buying Hell....errrrr....Society.

On the first run at car buying, you probably had several items that proved your amateur status:
1) A down payment, and
2) Optimism

By the second run, your insurance company will have swallowed up both items, leaving you a diploma-bearing graduate of the School of Hard Knocks. You, too, can be a car buying professional - the type of client - desperate, broke, alone, and carless - that car selling professionals use to hone their technique.

Since you now have no down payment, the original car that you researched, planned, and saved for purchase, may possibly be out of reach. What fun! Now you get to investigate more cars! You're a true professional! Jumping websites between sobs of frustration as you build your own until you find you can't afford any car without a down payment! What joy! You have truly arrived!*

There's a lot to love in the car buying experience - the lying, disappointments, test drives for who knows what reasons, the lines - oh the lines, lines, lines, lines! But the thing I love the most is the 4 hours of endless waiting while your salesman takes someone else for a ride....I mean, "talks to his manager" about the amazing deal he's about to present to you.

So, as I sat in the Nissan dealership chewing on a bit of gum to stave off endless despair, I began to ponder ways to amuse myself, I realized how easy it would be to place personal phone calls while left in the cubicle. I picked up the phone. But, dangit, I didn't have any phone numbers with me. Next time, however, I'm calling other dealerships on their dollar, and then reconnecting with my friend in Spain during the 3rd hour. The idea amused me for 15 minutes. Then I stood up, looked guiltily about, and plopped myself in the desk chair. Eureka! They had left the computer up! I really wanted to log in and discover all the car buying secrets hidden from me...but that seemed a little like cheating. So, instead, I surfed the Internet and played Solitaire, while realizing bemusedly that if I ever met a jerk salesman who wouldn't listen to me, I could get him to this point and then develop a driving urge to learn all about Internet porn from his work computer. Yeah, it's cruel -but that's the name of the game.

In the end, I pulled the old "I have to go and pick up the kids" line that gets me out the door. I don't feel guilty. They just wasted over $100 in American productivity. That buys me at least one little white lie, I think.

*It's not quite this bad. Take this bad and back up one step. No, not that far. Come this way a bit. A bit more. What do you mean you're back where you started?! Okay, now just another inch or so towards me. Thats' perfect. That's exactly how it is.