Welcome to another edition of....{insert duhm-duhm-du-u-u-hm music} crazy experiences with TSA authorities. To date, let's review my airport memories of years past:
2004: I forget my ID and fly "accompanied" to Alaska. I joke that I'll be on the TSA's "hit list" - and get no denial or smile from my TSA "pal". This event sets off my never-ending string of weird experiences during flights.
2005: I wear the sweater of death and get strip searched (see Naked In LA).
2006: Financial lessons from the TSA
I awoke on Wednesday morning to the blessed relief of November 1st. Unfortunately - L.A. traffic didn't get the news. I have called the proper authorities to correct this - no badness can continue past October 31st.
So, my sister and I are STUCK on I-5. The traffic was barely crawling. I complained. Whined, really. Sis listened patiently. That sister of mine deserves awards for patient listening.
We arrived at Burbank Airport exactly 31 minutes before my flight. I launched my luggage onto the scale as I handed over my ID. The clerk sighed. "I'm sorry. No luggage accepted within 30 minutes of take-off," he announced as the clock changed from 30 to 29 minutes. I was not feeling pretty or flirty, so I just grabbed my suitcase and ran to the security checkpoint.
I knew that I would lose some of my hygienics due to the "don't blow us up with lotion" rules, but I had been told that anything less than a quart would be okay. Well - that may be true for NORMAL people but not wanted criminals like myself. I tossed my bag on the conveyor.
The collective inhale by TSA authority brought me all the attention Jennifer Lopez desires.
"Oh, no," the TSA psycho-lady announced. "I see creams."
She looked at me quite judgmentally, really. "I'm sorry," I said rationally. "The crazy counter guy wouldn't take my bag. I got held up in traffic. I never intended to carry this bag."
"Look, Mary," she said. "She brought all her lotions. This is going to be costly."
She finally turned to me. "Ma'am, are you not aware of what happened in London?"
I sighed. Here we go again, I realized. "I never intended to carry this bag. I'm quite aware of London, the new restrictions, etcetera. However, the psycho at the counter wouldn't accept my bag, so now I have to carry it on."
"Oh, ma'am. This is really going to be expensive for you. You should check flight restrictions before packing your bag."
Oh...for the love of...!!
"Look. I've got 10 minutes to board and get my cute little rear end to Denver. Toss it. Just hurry!"
"Ma'am, I hope this experience teaches you to more carefully read restrictions on the TSA website before flying.
"10 minutes. Hurry, lady. You can keep the crap. I just need to board."
She carefully removed and listed each item. "One Victoria's Secret lotion - there goes $10. One Clinique Moisturizer - $25. One shampoo..."
"You've got to be kidding! That's a trial size! Less than an ounce!"
She clucked her disapproval. "You really should have thought of this when..."
"For mercy's sake! It's lotion! Toss it and let me out of here!"
She emptied my whole hygienic kit and pushed my bag towards me. In perfect kindergarten teacher tones, she addressed the whole line. "This woman just learned a very expensive lesson. I hope you all packed more wisely."
With my head near-exploding, I ran to my gate....to discover my plane had not yet arrived. It would be another 40 minutes before anyone would load a single bag into the hold.
I screamed. I'm not ashamed to admit it.
8 comments:
When the revolution comes, TSA will be first against the wall. Followed almost immediately by USPS for unrelated yet equally heinous crimes and anti-human behavior.
Seriously though, *why* are passengers the only ones "affected" by flight delays? Surely the psycho counter person (PCP) already knew the flight was delayed; it's not like planes suddenly become forty minutes late.
Pilot: Huh. Looks like my watch stopped.
Navigator: Drat! I've been using your watch to set our course. We're due to land in ten minutes and now we'll be forty minutes late!
Pilot: Better call the PCP.
Sorry about your unpleasant experience. Next time just keep thinking, "the TSA is my feiend."
RaJ - hear, hear! I was so mad I almost demanded all my stuff back. Instead, I ate a donut. That probably says a lot about me.
Lianne - careful with any woo sweaters...let's not let recency effect erase the past.
explosive lotion... will you ever stop your fight againist "the man"
jaimie - I hear it's lovely if you're not such a desperate criminal as I'm reported to be. However, if you CAN drive - you may want to - just to make sure you don't learn expensive lessons.
johnny - NEVER! I will continue to vex him with my mock-designer sweaters and smelly skin care!
No offense but I really wish people would stop mentioning donuts.
What am I saying? I take it back. I didn't mean it. I was wrong.
I want a donut.
I'm hoping one day these people come to their senses and realize that my contact lens solution is not going to blow up the plane. Till then, I suffer.
I hate - HATE - checking luggage. My most recent experience involves lost luggage - not fun. And I have a trip next week that I would love to take only carry-on for, but I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. For this, among other things, I hate terrorists.
RaJ - Donuts?! Where?!
Lia - arrgh. That's all I can say. Lost my luggage last Christmas. I'm sure my ribbon was a threat to national security. Argh.
people have got to stop forcing donuts on me! that's the 2nd time I've read about donuts today. I DON'T want a donut.
do you think they keep the stuff for themselves, the judgmental witches?
I think this curse is life long Glo. it doesn't look like its going to let up.
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