New! Improved! Real!
The amazing....the wonderful....the thoroughly unnecessary.......
Glo Barbie Collection!!
Crowd response: Oooooooh! Whooooooooa! Awwwww!
Whyyyyy???
News release from Mattel:
Barbie has long been criticised for unexpected body proportions, multiple eclectic personalities, spiffy fashion sense full of impractical shoes, a close but asexual relationship with a guy who most people suspect is gay, and a somewhat vacant expression.
We at Mattel have, at long last, answered these criticisms. As part of a nation-wide search, Mattel has located a REAL LIFE Barbie. No - she isn't 6 feet tall with DDD breasts who topples over as she walks on tip toe. And no - she didn't spend excessive amounts of money to help pay malpractice insurance rates in Beverly Hills. But she matches every criticism placed on Barbie.
Although a full 5 inches shorter than Jayne Mansfield and other reigning sex goddesses, Glo possesses those infamous 36-25-36 measurements. How her chest cavity doesn't collapse on her hips is one of the REAL 7 wonders of the modern world! She can change mood and personality faster than shoes, but on that topic - her closet is a wonder - full of t-shirts for bands she barely knows, universities she didn't attend, and jackets she can't be bothered to wear! Her relationship with James Spader...hmm....well, no one can really explain that ongoing fantasy friendship with the possibly not-heterosexual sex symbol. Not even she, as the somewhat vacant expression tells us.
In honor of this amazing mix of contradiction (and so that the left-wing feminazis will leave us alone), Mattel redesigned the Barbie collection to better match the real beauty of the American woman (not that she's all that representative - but hopefully the feminazis will get the point.)
The New Line!
Happy Glo: Our flagship edition. Wearing a Doors t-shirt and hair in pigtails, she goes anywhere her strappy sandals will take her. She's always fully dressed with that smile.
Yoga Glo: Flexible from head to toe but not conducive to the little moves intended for tiny Chinese women. She may plow with the best, but her crane leaves much to be desired. Comes with yoga mat and programmable mantra!
Wild Glo: Don't be fooled by innocent appearances. The smirk says it all. Dressed in a deep-cut top, jeans, and stilettos....expect the unexpected with a touch of class.
Roughing It Glo: Dressed in the finest Dominican garb with her hair pulled back, a bucket on her head, and a look of determination on her face. Take her swimming across a river or on a Red Cross truck. Comes with a goat programmed to run her out of the Glo-Barbie Cement House.
Career Girl Glo: Gone is the vapid expression and strappy sandals! In her element, Career Girl Glo is assertive, forthright, energetic, capable and a little bit scary. Programmed to say "eat your veggies" in 4 different languages! Comes armed with a pager and ambition!
Not So Smart Glo: Programmed with just one response, "I don't know." This Glo has no opinion on music, apparently missed most pop culture, and would lose terribly at any sports trivia game. She can't recall political events, world history, or the name of her first cat. Guaranteed to make you wonder if Career Girl Glo went extinct unexpectedly.
Blogger Glo: Our most beloved version. Witty. Sarcastic. Self-deprecating. Sweet. Capable. Kind to a fault. Programmed with 7 favorite blog stories, including the much-lauded "Naked in LAX." Comes dressed in pajamas with computer-friendly smart-girl glasses.
Freaked-out Glo: Did someone imply a loss of freedom? *gulp* Glo runs around in circles and pushes her boundaries. She knows why the caged bird sings. Her brain whirls around and around in her head as it spits out list upon list of reasons why she's better off....anywhere but here. Link up the Friends and Buddies set so that Glo's brain can stop whirling and she can sit calmly in any situation. Comes with cell phone and IM platform.
Best Friend Glo: Programmed with 15,000 compliments and supportive statements. May not be exceptionally attractive in everyday clothes, but a good Glo to keep in your purse when you need her. She'll go anywhere, do anything, and meet anyone. That's our favorite Glo!
Launch date to be determined. Now taking pre-orders.
12 comments:
I'd order them all, but I already have them! Aren't you all jealous? I got all the pre-launch Glo Barbie dolls!
What? No Sporty Glo with baseball cap, jersey, capris, cleats, glove, bat, and (removable) bicep bruise?
A totally rockin' excellent post, except for the aforementioned oversight.
Very excellent! I'll order the Best Friend Glo. She's my favorite, that's for sure. But I like them all!
Where are the pictures, early ad campaign art, commercial clips? I so want to promote this line!
RaJ - your suggestion is pending the ability to actually *play* a sport. But maybe we can release a "Sports Injury decal kit" in the meantime.
Lia - alas, my photoshop abilities are very sad. Whine to Omar. If here were *really* my friend, he'd take precious time away from his family to make me a Glo-Barbie.
Could use some dating Glo's in Utah, boy, could we use some here.
Aside to artguy: Have faith. There are dating Glo's all over the world. The right one will land on a toy shelf near you...
I bought a "Roughing It Glo" from a bootlegger on the street. I wanted that one specifically because it comes with a goat.
Did "Dating Glo" already get pulled from production? She was not there, then there, now not there.
I will take one of each, please.
I'll take one of each too...they sound fab! )And that's a lot coming from someone who seriously disliked Barbies as a kid.)
Still chuckling at the thought of a Dating Glo with a chastity belt...there is another line of products you could come up with...chastity belts for the 21st century!! I'd order a couple myself :)
Can YOU say "Eat your veggies" in 4 different languages? (I'm guessing yes!) Which ones?
Being Sunday and all...I'd like to request a description of Mormon Glo Barbie...pretty please?
I want them all!! do they come in a special collector's case?
Let's not forget our roots. What about Trailer glo? Okay, so maybe I never lived in an actual trailer, but it's just semantics.
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