Lesson the First: Read Your Mail

**The events of this post are based on a true story. No names have been changed to protect the innocent. Because there weren't any.

Last October, I got the strangest letter in the mail. It was from The Universe and said,

Dear Glo: We regret to inform you that in 90 days, you will suddenly become hot. We apologize for the inconvenience. Sincerely, The Universe.

I laughed quite a bit. Who becomes hot at 28?! I already have wrinkles. And cellulite. And a funny, big nose. It was preposterous. I assumed the Universe had been smoking a little of the happy weeds and went about my life.

Blogging has brought some good changes to my world. I feel much more comfortable with myself and with presenting myself to others. I'm a generally smiley, happy, laughing person. And now I think I'm funny. (Yes - some of this is your fault, dear readers.)

So - I disregarded the letter. In December, another note arrived:

Dear Glo: This letter is to confirm that you will become hot at 28 years, 352 days of age. Please be aware and take necessary precautions. We have noted a great deal of laughing and easy-to-pleasedness. These traits could have terrifying consequences to your peace of mind. Sincerely, The Universe

Once again - I thoughtlessly disregarded the warning. No one becomes hot at 28 years, 352 days of age. I had spent all the prior times completely ignored by men of most races (Latinos - no - I'm quite hot in Latin America.). I know my way around a club, but nowhere else. So - I did not take precautions. Oh - how I rue the day.

Time marched on and the dreaded day came. I thought nothing of it. But then - there it was - drama and jealousy from my galpals. What?! For me?! When?! I assumed I was being crazy. Can't possibly happen. Only hot chicks get drama and jealousy. I'm just the nice, unassuming friend that I've always been.

As it had never mattered much - have I mentioned that I am not hot? - I continued not to care who I laughed at or paid attention to. I am not hot - have I mentioned that? - so any flirtation would, of course, be harmless and one-sided. I noticed that I was getting more male attention than my typical nothing, but that was because I lived with a guy-magnet. They were just nice to me. But why was she suddenly so suspicious of me? My life officially made no sense. I figured I was just slowly going crazy.

So, The Universe butted in again!

Dear Glo: We confirm your hotness. You must begin to be more aware of your actions. Can you not see that you are threatening your entire life and happiness by laughing so much?! When will you stop disregarding these letters?! We don't send them to everyone, you know. Just to the exceptionally naive who disregard earlier warnings. Keep this up and you will be fined. Sincerely, The Universe

I'll admit that one caught my attention for a moment before finding its way to the shredder. My life had been curious since I turned 28 years, 352 days old. So - I went fact-finding. Asked some sincere questions - tried to reason out why suddenly every nice thing I do is returned in viciousness in the women close to me.

Last night, some caring friends sat me down and explained my role in it all. I have never been more grateful. According to my friends - guys and girls - I don't just have game - I have "player game" and "could get any guy I want." I was so shocked, my mouth literally hung open - I had no idea how effectively flirtatious I had become - OMG - the idea still makes me laugh in disbelief. I spent the whole night saying, "What?!" and "You've got to be joking!" and "That's what that means?!" I have never felt stupider. EVER. I am the last remaining American Idiot. A true ingenue who has been stumbling about looking guilty - quite by accident, I assure you - of some pretty terrible offenses. And thus, The Universe was forced to issue its fine.

Dear Glo: Due to your reckless and disreputable - though quite by accident, we are assured - behavior, you have been fined the loss of one beloved friend. Payment has already been exacted. Please be more aware of your behavior in the future. And read your damn mail. Sincerely, The Universe.

Most everyone agrees the situation has become hopeless as I have too much presumed culpability (for perfectly legitimate reasons). I feel so stupid, but how was I to know that I would suddenly become attractive after 28 years of being ignored completely by men?! It feels dreadfully unfair. I should have been given a warning.

In respect of my extreme idiocy, I'm considering a public service program to prevent further problems. Here are a few possible slogans:

Warning: Dumb Appearance Accurate. Use Extreme Caution.
The Department of Homeland Security has Declared Threat Level Orange On THIS WOMAN
Objects in this Mirror More Harmful Than They Appear.

Gosh. I'm an idiot. If you could see me, I've blushed brighter than my red shirt. I want to cut my hair, gain 20 pounds, and see if the Unabomber's cabin is still available. Is it really possible to have been this clueless?!