A Serious Loss

I dreamed about my long-lost One True last night. We were riding a bus in the town where we met. He didn’t see me. I just watched him – his too-serious face locked in conversation with a woman on his right. He lifted the corners of his mouth in that achingly kind smile that stole my heart. A loud noise rocked the bus and he turned towards it and towards me. I couldn’t resist locking our gazes. His eyes angered.

I woke up this morning longing for someone I haven’t seen in 7 years. I want to tell him that he ruined me. I can’t be happy with anyone who doesn’t love me that completely. Images of him flitted across my fantasy all day. I saw him in the park where we met, smiling at me over a lingering handshake. My heart recalled his intense gaze at a chessboard where he scolded me for making him laugh and causing him to forget his strategy. My stomach dropped when the unavoidable memory of our last painful conversation replayed in memory.

I was loved once. Just once. Truly loved. By a charming, intelligent, kind, and handsome man. And now he is angry with me.

I know why. I had a similar experience when I almost married The Troll 2 years ago. When I left One True, I promised him that we would have better lives apart than we could have together. He accepted, because his one flaw was blind trust in everything I believed. But it was a lie on my part. I knew I would never feel anything so intense as I felt when he walked away from me.

Now I sit with a phone number to a man who is likely just too lazy to pursue me. I can feel One True’s anger. The new man never returned something so simple as an email. One True traveled 150 miles over rough terrain every week to sit by me at church. New guy sits and waits for me to convince him to love me. One True claimed me. And when I was in dangerous weather? One True sent his friend to sit at my door until he could arrange to be there himself. In my mind’s eye, I see the question in One True’s eyes: Would new guy do the same?

I want to explain that he overestimated my worth. I am lucky to have found a guy who liked me somewhat and won’t mistreat me. It may be good. I think I can love him. Maybe. If I just forget how it felt to will someone across a crowded room. If I lose the desire to be stripped open through mutual understanding.

I have a reputation for being bitter. I am not. I’m just as lost without him as ever I was with him. It’s not fair to have been loved so much. No one will live up to it – likely One True himself would have fallen if we’d actually been allowed to love each other openly. So, it needs to be forgotten. Somehow. Let go like a river undamned, regardless of its effect on the world downstream.