The Day I Left Cosmo

It’s the end of another high school football season in southern California. Roomie’s band played well. She and I sat behind the band and sang ‘We Will Rock You’ as the high school football team won its first and last game. Roomie is amazing with those kids. I get to come along for the pride.

With all these heavy thoughts on my mind, I decided I needed a sandwich. I drove to Vons. While awaiting my panini, I wandered to the magazine aisle. Since adolescence, I have read every issue of Cosmo without giving the company a single cent. The cover called my attention immediately: 10 Things Guys Notice About You. ‘Ha, ha,’ I thought. ‘This will be fabulous torture.’ The only magazine better for torture is Maxim. Every page is insight into why you’ll never satisfy anyone and, as soon as you turn 40, will likely be left divorced and penniless with 3 unappreciative children.

I flipped to the article. As I read, I began to chuckle. Then I laughed outright. Honestly. It was my own personal antonym. Every last thing that I am is something a guy is trying to avoid. My body is wrong. My hair is awful. The way I interact with people is horrible. I should have a lobotomy as it’s the only hope to fix my dreadful personality. I looked to the teenager on my right. She perused a movie magazine but stole glances over my shoulder. I handed her the magazine. “Here. You take it. I’m beyond hope.”

As unexpected as it was, I suddenly felt liberated. For the first month since I turned 16, I decided not to finish reading Cosmo. I had put it back, realizing that I will never be cosmopolitan. Per Cosmo, men want the athletic, fun, flirty, always confident, perfectly together, never thinks too much, available for sex, porn pinup. Okay. I’ve accepted that. I’m ready to move on.

You see, my quirks make me funny. Those dreaded insecurities motivate kindness. My neuroticism makes me willing to forgive. The faltering in confidence requires me to create safety for others so that they never need suffer in my presence. My never-ending drama permits empathy. Everything that makes me the wonderful blend of womanhood that I am and has blessed my life will likely qualify me for Cosmo's 5 Things Men Least Want in a Woman.

Ah, well. Let the pinups have the guys. There comes a time when we all have to leave Cosmo and enter the world of harsh reality where true joy lies. I expect I'll see that teenager here in 10 years or so.