Last night, 2 of my new-found male friends showed up on my doorstep with yellow roses made out of duct tape. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen and exactly what I needed. I just thought they deserved recognition in the blogosphere. You guys are beyond fantabulous. Thank you.
Now, as previously announced: Glo Goes Gyno
Nurse: Do you use tampons?
Me: No.
Nurse: sympathetic clucking noise [Bad portent recognized.]
Doctor: What birth control do you use?
Me: Abstinence.
Doctor: In the case of unwanted pregnancy….
Me: I’ll call the media.
In response to the fool who told me the hymen disappears by age 25: You now cost me my last dream of selling myself to a marauding band of Middle Eastern gypsies. Up until 6 hours ago, I would have fetched a handsome income once they had brandished the sheet with evidence of my purity.
Doctor: I’m now going to open the speculum. (i.e. Jab an arrow into an area with thousands of nerve endings and swish it around a bit.)
Me (planned): Freakin’ Frickin’ Frell.
Me (actual): Fruh….fruh…fruh-uh-uh [sob]
Doctor: You’re handling this quite well.
Epiphany during the event: I now know why God needed to invent the orgasm.
Commiserating with Cate: I am abandoning everything I’ve ever believed to begin having near-constant sex with sharply-angled robots so that next time someone jabs a metal something-or-other into that region, I will merely laugh and say, “Oh, so small?”
Doctor's final assessment: What birth control do you want to use?
Me: Abstinence.
Doctor: Shakes head and mutters about unwanted pregnancy
Pointless rant: If anyone ever thinks I’m going through that voluntarily next year…..they have got to be delusional. Until such things are attached to the afore-mentioned orgasm, we’ll just assume that I do not have any STDs, cancers, or masochistic tendencies.
17 comments:
*SHUDDER*
From one organic-type human to another, you have my sympathies! (By the way, just what IS it with doctors anyhow?? Always hounding me about medications and so forth - Yeah? Well medications my...!!) Oh!.. -Sorry 'bout that! Uh, anything we can do to cheer you up? (That is, would you care for some more yellow roses, or just chocolate? I'm sorry we can't offer the doctor's head on a pike, we run into a lot of red tape this time of year....... blah)
You lost me at "tampons."
Though I'm curious about this new Glo's Underground thing on the sidebar...
HA HA HA HA!
Don't tell anyone that I just snorted Coke (a-Cola, that is) out my nose...you are just too much! I'll never look at my pap smear's the same way again.
Sorry guys...just had to use that phrase on the 'net...that chance doesn't come up every day.
Just wait until you have some grown man using his grown man hand to break your water...when you're not even dilated...and the not-so-pleasant experience we call an episiodomy (that I can't spell)...makes gyno visits pale in comparison.
My gymno gives me the same lecture...I can't wait to tell him that I never filled the birth control prescription he gave me in Feb...haven't even been close to maybe needing it.
Way to stick to it girl!
that was your first time to the gyno?! oh no!
girl, you gotta relax, a lot, or else that thing will pinch a bit.
damn.
Who is randomly commenting and deleting? I just read this and realized it may cross a line for even my most stalwart of readers...perhaps it is on its way to G.Lo heaven....
Yes, it was my first visit. I have long held that one of the benefits of abstinence is *not* having to go to the gyno, but even I notice the big 3-0 looming and realized that there are times and seasons for everything.
Glo's Underground is still in development. Feel free to sign up, but right now it's a little loose concept I'm tossing about with Mrs. Charlie.
I can only imagine the, er, *discomfort* of a smear when you've never before had anything intrude, ever.
But I will use this opportunity to beg for sympathy on my own first (and so far only) smear experience.
Visit one: Had smear, waited for result - "Insufficient sample". In other words, they have to do it again, and try to get more cells next time.
Visit two: Smear taken in TWO different ways, to ensure that enough cells are collected. They're not.
For visit three, I'm sent off to a hospital. Sympathetic doctor (with trainee looking on - and may I add, luckily all these pokers and prodders were female): "Right, you seem to be very sensitive here, your walls are very thing... [Or something to that effect]... Is sex painful?"
Me: "..." [NOT AS MUCH AS THIS!]
That last smear did seem to do the job, but I'm really not looking forward to the next time(s).
You still should go, Glo - I know they suck but they are important.
I think I must have a much nicer doctor than you, Glo. Or at least one who can grasp the concept of a nearing-30 woman who remains un-intruded-upon. First visit was totally painless - probably because I was so obviously near to having a heart attack from being so nervous. Second time hurt, I mean HURT, but not nearly enough to make me want to start having sex with robots. Unless the robot looks like Brad Pitt.
Are you saying Brad Pitt isn't a robot?
Your post reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. "The bet" where they put money down to see who could go the longest without masturbating, but they never used the word the whole episode. Like your blog, never using the word you are talking about. I remember my first. Got it done right before I got married, not too bad. I had a baby come out of there too, and I still say, not too bad. (The worst part is the recovery). Oh if we could only live off of pain killers for the rest of our lives!
Thanks for the commisery!
What does that mean?
It means thanks for sharing your stories, providing compassion, and just being your clever, wonderful selves.
Sometimes you just have to ask, otherwise I'm just go "yep" and have no clue what I was saying "yep" to.
I deleted the one right after my other one...because I had posted the same thing twice and didn't realize until too late.
So sorry!
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