This Hermit Thing Could Be Addicting

Certain moments of human dominion over the planet impact me profoundly. Like the mass destruction I perform with a simple drop of bleach on a counter top. Superiority washes over me as the man-made chemicals chase helpless crowds of bacteria, swallowing the helpless populations in torrent destruction.

I hesitated with the bleach bottle, aware that my decision would possibly mean the annihilation of humanity. These bacteria, viruses and parasites formed the breadth of immunity over thousands of generations. I am murdering them. I chased a suspicious batch of black from the toaster cord. Perhaps, I pondered, that was the e.Coli strand that would stop the next black plague.

For one small moment, I considered the small children, shrieking in pain as the scientist ran screaming, “E.Coli could have saved us. Why did she destroy us? Where is the mold? Where the salmonella? The Campylobacter jejuni? If only we had given licenses for bleach – kept it from the hands of the induced OCD – then there may have been hope for humanity!” I knew all of this. As a medical professional, I give the ‘Germs are Good’ lecture daily.

Yet the bleach drop fell in the bucket, followed by a well-used rag, and a splash of water. A bit of scrubbing removed the last stains from the counter top. I leaned down to inspect my work and smelled the fresh chemical burn of sodium hyperchlorate.

Then I finished the floors, scrubbed the windows, limed the shower, washed the walls, polished the glass, and bleached all the linens. My house glimmered as streams of hot sunlight poured through spotless windows.

I sat back on the now-vacuumed couch to drink in the sanitary environment. It was perfect. Babies could eat on the floor and not receive so much as a sniffle. My company this weekend could rest easily knowing they wouldn’t leave with a touch of flu.

And, in case you had nothing better to ponder, that is what I did this weekend instead of going out….and I don’t regret it, not for a minute.* It isn’t often you get to massacre millions of living organisms without facing a tribunal in Switzerland (unless, of course, you chose to perpetrate evil in Africa – then you’ll be about as liable as I was to the germ population).


*I did see Wicked that night, though. It was excellent. Go and buy a ticket, even if you have never seen musical theater. I loved every minute – especially the jokes about whiny Dorothy. That brat deserved her comeuppance. I always had a soft spot for the “wicked” witch and her flying monkeys. Who wouldn’t go a little nuts with all that singing and cheerfulness?