(Just a warning: I am sure this topic is hot on the blogs this week. I don't read a lot of blogs, so I don't know, but I decided to write about it anyway. Also, realized that I needed to clarify something: I never had a pill addiction. What an overshare would that have been! I didn't realize how it read until one of my real-world friend readers asked me in that oh-so-sympathetic voice if everything was okay with me. I am a true anti-addict, that's why I control the substance. Sorry for the confusion...now on with the post.)
As the editor of The Mostly Ignorant News, I am excited to present this expansion into the international news market. Our foreign correspondent, Hazel B. Bonkers, writes today from the concrete jungle of Los Angeles, Mexico, a location I am eager to visit if I can find someone in need of a human mule. (Legal foreign travel is much too cumbersome.) With no further introduction, I give you Hazel’s fascinating introduction to a recently discovered foreign land practically within our own backyard!
I, Hazel B. Bonkers, have been living for 3 years in an exciting, mysterious land. Los Angeles was acquired by Mexico in late 2004 due to an unknown caveat in the original treaty that granted the territory to the United States at the end of the Mexico-American war. The article reads, “Thus be it known, if ever in this land there be more of you guys and less of us guys, then you guys get your land back.”
Since there was no internet, the men who signed the treaty did not have the benefit of thousands of semi-informed people writing to tell them that they shouldn’t sign this treaty because we guys didn’t have very long memories and would likely take advantage of our poorer neighbors by importing them to work on our farms and soon there would be more of them guys and less of us guys. Alas, there was no internet to tell them that and they signed the treaty anyway.
I, Hazel B. Bonkers, was lucky enough to be at one of the political events announcing the approaching change of power. I was undercover at a Mana concert. During one of the anti-war songs (difficult to remember the exact title), the band members brought out the flags of the United States and of Mexico. The band leader announced, “Los Mexicanos ya vienen para reclamar la tierra que nos robaron.” In Spanbonglish (the official language of California), this means “theres bees mores of us guys, yeah.” As the rowdy crowd grew in its fervor (and drunkenness – Budweiser sponsored the concert), I snuck out the back while my brother yelled “Viva Mexico!” to maintain our cover.
The next year, I volunteered for the gubernatorial campaign, still under the impression that I lived in the United States. During Governer Schwarzennegger’s acceptance speech, I caught a new pronunciation of my state name: Cal-ee-forn-ee-ah. I recognized the Spanbonglish immediately as it is one of 14 dialects I have learned while trying to order food in this exotic land.
One month into his reign, Governor Schwarzennegger traveled to China and invited foreign dignitaries to visit California. Many people who did not almost minor in PolySci may not know that the federal government sets foreign policy. However, I knew this and thus was able to report that California had ceased to be a star on the red, white and blue.
To many of the less educated in this state, the billboard announcing the change came as a surprise. All 10 of the remaining Americans in Los Angeles gathered underneath the billboard to proclaim their American status. Today, they moved to Buffalo, New York. As a conscientious reporter, I have written to warn them that a similar treaty exists in that state between Americans and the field mouse. However, they seemed unimpressed and assured me that there are plenty of Americans left in the state. How I enjoyed the laugh I got from that ignorant response!
I close this article with some little known facts about Los Angeles, Mexico. The governor/president of Cal-ee-forn-ee-ah invites you to visit, but warns you that vigilantes will be patrolling our borders to stop the flow of illegal immigration, so please pay for high-quality coyotes and don’t try to outrun the pistol-loving population.
Those little known facts:
Population: Trillion million jillion
Language: Spanbonglish
Pasttime: Commuting
Plant: Pot
Pot: Meth Lab
Animal: The coyote and the mule
Sport: Freeway target practice
GNP: -$4,567.73
Cost of living: $145,567,083 per person per day
Slogan: Bienvenidos a Los Angeles, Mexico, donde weezer yaps duh durty mack.
5 comments:
There's no good surfing conditions up here in western NY, so I don't know what these former Californians are going to do up here.
All Californians do surf, right?
Living in L.A. this is a pretty big thorn in my side. I have no problem with legal immigration but I am bothered that the U.S. is the only country in the world where we say "pretty please, don't come over to our country illegally" but hand them jugs of water when they break the law and cross the border in the desert. No wonder they feel such a strong sense of entitlement when they're here; we handed them the keys in the first place.
Regarding the "pill" thing, you didnt' come across to me as any sort of former or recovering addict. Even if you were a former or recovering addict, I wouldn't bat an eye. Part of being an adult is putting one's baggage in the overhead bins, where it belongs.
Hate to tell you, man, but YOU are now the illegal immigrant. Better go wait in the endless red tape that limited legal immigration when we belonged to the US.
On a serious note, immigration is a difficult issue. We have such a large border and have so much that it's quite a carrot to dangle in front of a developing nation. And I don't think they do feel "a strong sense of entitlement". In fact, I think people born in the US abuse the system much more than those born outside.
The real issue is that we refuse to address the issue. Most of the families that I work with (and many are here illegally) would gladly have a green card (and they pay payroll and sales taxes, so don't use that excuse), but you can't get one without years of effort and a college degree or without sterilization if you're female. Our farmers rely on this population (I'm from Idaho, remember) as do many other industries, yet we refuse to let them in legally. I don't get it.
Back to joking, maybe we could exchange some of our welfare freeloaders (the thorn in my side) for the hard-working Mexican immigrant (who I enjoy working with). And we could fix the health care system so it stops being the shame of the developed world...
Hazel B. Bonkers is my new hero. I so want to be a reporter for The Mostly Ignorant News. Can I, please? Huh, huh? No idea what I could possibly contribute that would even come close to such stellar reporting, but for the chance to say I worked alonside Ms. Bonkers I would do anything.
It just so happens that Ms. Bonkers is looking for an intern! Please submit your resume for consideration. While there is no base rate, you are allowed to keep anything you panhandle or dare to touch on the street.
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