Several years ago when I was in the Dominican Republic, I had some disease that acted like polio, was contracted during a polio outbreak, and had a recovery process exactly like polio - but not polio because Americans don't get polio (so what if you had chicken pox 7 times and obviously have less than stellar immunity) so let's stop talking about this non-disease that I think I had because obviously doctors know everything about living in my body while I know nothing, so why am I even writing this? I'm merely a crazed hypochondriac who only thinks she got sick - yeah, 'cause it was so much fun that I couldn't think of anything better to do with my 3 years of recovery and who really needs to move all 10 toes, so obviously I'm faking that, too....
Anyway, ever since I didn't have polio, I've had these killer headaches every spring. They feel something like having a bright light shined in my eyes while someone sings loud, off-key Christian pop and beats me over the head with a sledgehammer as he or she drills a hole between my eyes. I know, the Christian pop part sounds cruel. Despite the agonizing pain, two really good things have come from Migraine May:
1. Vicodin. Need I say more? This little wonder drug helped me to understand the world of drug addiction. Per my own request, I get only 5 pills per refill. There is just nothing wrong with the world when Vicodin is in my blood stream, but everything wrong with feeling that a little pill can solve the ill. By the way, I seriously only have 1 pill on my at any given time. It's not worth killing me in an alleyway. The average housewife has more potent drugs than I. Go hunt her down. Plus, it's no fun to kill someone who begs for an end to suffering...wait, that precludes the occasional housewife as well. Looks like you're stuck sticking IV drug users. Ha, ha. Funny pun, right?! Migraines make me funny, funny, funny. Look for me next month on the corner of Fremont and Las Vegas Boulevard...Even funnier - creation of nonexistant place! Hilarious! Would laugh outright except for splitting pain between eyes. Darn the constant drilling. Must get more Vicodin.
2. I know what my brain looks like. It's full of grooves, lots of grooves, hundreds of grooves. So many grooves that the radiologist said, "Gee, that's a lot of grooves." That means me smart. Probably smarter than you. You'll never know how much smarter because you haven't seen your brain. Maybe you only have one groove. Ha, ha. I have 99 + 100s more grooves than you. Or maybe you have thousands of grooves. Sad me. I have 999 fewer grooves than you. I'll bet you're inventing a massive migraine or tropical disease right now just so that you can have an MRI and know what your brain looks like, too. MRIs are fun. The machine goes "whir, whir, whir" which really feels great since you're there for a headache that already makes your brain sound like, "whir, whir, whir" and every noise gets amplified 500 times all while some massive invisible lunatic pounds at your head and drills holes and now you have a technician, saying "Hold still. You have a lot of grooves to visualize" and you would give up several of those grooves to just make the pain stop. Then they give you Valium. And Vicodin. Happy, happy Vicodin. (Just kidding. I wouldn't give up any of my grooves. Not even for Vicodin. Because then I couldn't wander around wondering how many other people know how many grooves they have in their head.)
So there's what I am doing this May. The annual migrain season, usually followed by national health test month (June) to figure out why my body keeps acting like it had polio, which it couldn't have had because I'm American and was vaccinated, so why do I keep acting like I had polio? I should just move those toes and stop these silly headaches so the medical world can go back to knowing everything. Sometimes, I am so inconsiderate - must be the drugs...
9 comments:
Laughing so hard right now. Obviously am horrible, terrible, unfeeling person. You're in pain and I'm laughing. Bad Cate.
P.S. How can I score me some of that fun Vicodin stuff?
don't know whether to laugh, or tell you i'm sorry, remind you that it could always be worse...
so happy you have a sense of humor about it all!
glad you've kept the vicodin to a minimum. it's pretty hardcore shit.
Well, at least it's not polio. That woud suck.
I tried for several minutes to come up with a good alliteration for next month. I can't get past the word "Jolly." So I hope you have a jolly June. And July too, I guess.
Doctors are self-important dinks. I'm sure you know this, being a dietician. Just pop some Vicodin and take a nap.
And I always knew you were, like, the smartest person ever. And now I know why - you're, like, totally groovy! Do you realize how not fair that is - that you get to be super-smart and totally groovy all at once? Extremely not fair.
Awesome post. Like Cate, I feel bad that your pain made me laugh so hard. But being the consumate American, I HAD to laugh at your pain. It's the American way.
And hats off to you, Tomas. The trains of thought vs. trollies was awesome. I aspire to write as creatively as both of you.
but without the migraine.
Laugh. Please laugh. The day I knew that I could survive it all was the day I started to laugh about it. Honestly. I wrote this so that I could remember to be funny about it all, so please laugh or I will feel like a horrible self-pitying person!
Plus, it led to Tomas' very funny comment about hats. I thought he was bonkers at first, but then died laughing about Jerrolld Foord syndrome. Ha, ha. Maybe I'll suggest that as plausible diagnosis #457 at my next doctor's appointment.
Finally, prepare yourselves for several posts about the medical system. Like I said, humor is how I cope and it's almost dz#$rumph*! June (that's my alliteration - insert funny implied swearing sound effect).
I, too, am a migraine sufferer who gets by with the happy happy vicodin.
It's a little odd the first time they show you your brain, isn't it?
I was quite freaked, actually, since my first experience was a PET where they show your brain in slices - it was just too CSI for me. Then they showed me the happy grooves and I felt better - but it might have been the Vicodin.
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