Warning: Never confuse culture with doctrine. For doctrine, see 'My Thoughts on Faith and Liberalism.' For ridicule of the culture built around my religion, see below.
Mormons are obsessed with dating. We have a very short window of opportunity. We start late (16) and are generally seen as 'past our bloom' at 22. Single life is further complicated by the small sample size. In general, after moving to fertile ground (say, a Brigham Young University Singles Ward), you have about 3 weeks before the engagement rings start springing out of pretty girls' fingers. The result of this frenzy is a plethora of dating/marriage theories guaranteed to make you the bell of the Sunday ball.
At 28, I am so far past my expiration date that I have begun to grow mold (known outside Mormondom as a career). I get forwarded a lot of dating information that I typically ridicule. Today, however, Arizona Sarah forwarded me the theory that changed all that. Thanks to this, I have finally learned the reason for my troubles with men and the solution to my single state.
Some people know how to make money, and some people know how to date...These are the people that have a higher stock value than the average person...It’s fairly simple really: there are those people who have a perceived high dating stock value, the people who really do have a high stock value, the people who want to have a higher stock value, and then people who choose to have no stock value whatsoever.
I recently learned a little about neuroeconomics (interpretation: I know absolutely nothing beyond the cool word), so I know that economics is driven by supply, demand and cost. After spending the afternoon creating a complex computer model of the market system affecting and being effected by my marital status, I have discovered that I have over-estimated the value of my product in a saturated market.
I am left with several options, according to economic theory:
1. Decrease the supply of the similar product. Unfortunately, mass homicide makes for messy marketing.
2. Increase the demand for the product. Even with massive weight loss, I am just not that pretty, interesting, funny, or wealthy - as proven during the period of my life when I was extremely thin and still not married.
3. Reduce the price of the product. I have never had much trouble attracting men. Keeping them is a little tougher. Wanting them kept even more challenging. My responses to the question, "What was wrong with your last boyfriend?" have been (in order): barely literate, drugged out, declaring bankruptcy, arrested for stalking, unemployed, hypochondriac, bipolar, and boring. Price = Cost of product/supply of similar product x demand = sold on eBay for dinner I made myself and 5 minutes of self-delusion that I could make it work.
And...
4. Change markets. A challenge to the confirmed heterosexual, true, but my inner capitalist demands I seek profitable outcomes.
Thank you, Mormon Dating Theorists! In the course of 100 seconds, you took me from patiently awaiting the right person to considering a change of orientation.
Off-topic note: Watching 4th season of Farscape while I write this. SciFi Network has a gift for destroying good SciFi. That's so ironic.
Leave 'em laughing quote: Mike Reiss, producer of the Simpsons, said in a speech at the Skeptics conference. "I realize I look really Jewish. In fact, I paid for my Harvard education by modeling for hate pamphlets."
23 comments:
I'm right with ya girl!
I saw this hilarious post listed as a success on www.ldsmingle.com (this is NOT an endorsement...I HATE these sites!)
"We met at LDS Mingle. We've spent over 5000 minutes talking on our cell phones back and forth and have met twice. We are to be married on Dec 10th, 2004. Thank you for your help! Thanks! —mich423"
How funny is that? It shows what is wrong with the culture...people are considering cell phone time as a courtship...while meeting twice!
No wonder our divorce rate is sooo high!
I feel like the closer I get to 30, the better I get. I still have a few issues to work through so by the time I reach ther other side of that big 3-0, I might actually be ready for a grown up relationship!
Maybe the unemployed ex has since found a job?
I would disagree about you not being funny. Perhaps you weren't as funny when you were "extremely thin"? Anyway, in spite of the mold, I don't think 28 is too late for you.
But just in case I'm wrong, I'm sending you Matlock season 1 (on VHS tapes). I hear that old moldy people love that show.
How....illuminating. I guess it's time for Option 4. Considering where I live, I should be quite the hot commodity!
Truly ironic. Stupid Sci-Fi Network.
Sam - I agree. I am a much more interesting person at 28 than I was at 18 - I feel confident, happy, content with where I am, capable - all the good 'c' words.
Cate - I dare you to give up Sean. Just try it. For even an hour.
Omar - my knitting group will be so excited! We were just discussing the latest release. Andy Griffith is quite the number - some of my girls and I can barely control the screaming when he saunters across the courtroom.
One point, however - our (meaning Mormon) divorce rate is still below the national average.
Lol. You hit the nail on the head. I completely agree, some people confuse doctrine with culture. Now I live in UT where you get the presser from complete strangers. I was once talking to this guy who was saying how surprised he was that I wasn't married and had five kids already, (this was suppose to be a complement) and you could tell he was serious about that. The sad part is I'm only 21.
Well, darn. There goes that plan.
I’m a few month shy of 28 now and I like to think I’m in the twilight of a fairly unsuccessful dating career. I will retire shortly to a cave somewhere and live out the rest of my days in seclusion so that no one else has to look at my failed life. The irony of it all is that I am just now starting to look like a 17 year old. You might also be surprised to hear that no one has ever accused me of being optimistic, but it’s true.
Jon, I am so going to steal that line from you sometime soon - "in the twilight of a fairly unsuccessful dating career" - as it so perfectly describes my own life. Thank you.
Cate: Please do. As you may have noticed the new disclaimer on my own blog, it also applies to all comments rendered by me. I will also allow people to rearrange things that I say and still attribute them to me. For instance, I might say something like, “I have always liked babies. I think they are cute even when they are eating and spitting it back up.” And someone could rearrange that to, “I heard Jon said, ‘I have always liked eating babies, and when spitting it back up, they are even cute, I think.’” And I would only have one problem with this and that would be because they forgot to use one of the “theys.” Pretty minor grip though, if you ask me.
So freakin' hilarious, Jon. I appreciate how truly open-minded you are. People can't be expected to get every quote right all the time. -- the twilight line is also perfect. If you ever need a journey out of that cave, my retirement home has Bingo on Tuesday nights. Then we eat our pudding during Judging Amy. it's very serene.
Sunny - welcome - and I hope you are working on baby #1 - you've had an entire half day to meet the man of your dreams and elope to Vegas (Casino or temple depending your religious preference). If not, you have probably overvalued your stock. Put a sign "On special" around your neck and head to Volleyball (coming soon: a post on LDS dating rituals I just don't understand...)
Thanks 1gloriouscubbfeuhaehaeth; (I kind of got lazy at the end there and just started hitting keys. I guess you were right, that name is a bit of a finger twister? Wait, you never said such a ridiculous thing, did you?) I will travel down from the cave every now and again on my donkey, whom I will name Bad, just so I can call him Bad Ass, and we will both participate in Bingo. I have to warn you about Bad though, that Ass plays about 15 boards at a time and he is lighting quick with the dauber. He’s tough to beat.
Pudding sounds good to, but I’m much more interested in those tapes of Matlock I’ve been hearing so much about. Judging Amy isn’t really my cup of tea.
I've heard about that donkey. He's the original BA - 100% 80s hellion.
The Matlock we have to save for after Josie gets her pacemaker placed next Thursday. She had an absolute apoplexy when she thought Grady was the killer during an episode of Murder, She Wrote. We've had to limit the murder mysteries a bit since then. We do watch Price Is Right every morning, though. It's Josie's exercise - she's so adorable bouncing in that wheel chair!
In all seriousness, I was debating for several minutes on whether to say that I'm sending you Matlock or Murder, She Wrote (I'm a very busy man).
For Josie's sake, I'm glad I chose Matlock.
All the Mormons I know, which is actually a lot since one of my best friends in high school and one of my former college roommates are both Mormon, got married before 25.
Of course, we all went to school together and they all ended up marrying each other.
They all could've done like a sextuple ceremony. The guys came home from their missions when we were like 20, and everyone immediately got hitched.
I felt like an old lady for getting married at 23. Now I know that 23 is pretty darned young to get married. I think you've got plenty of time. It's more important to wait for the right guy than commit to the right guy for now.
Omar - LOL! Josie thanks you. She just came out of a dead snooze screaming, 'Grady is innocent!' I don't think she could handle the collection.
girlspit - Yep, you knew a group of Mormons. I'm waiting for the first wave to start getting divorced (not that I only date LDS guys, but it makes the "What?! You don't drink or have sex!" discussion moot). I've always thought dumped or jilted guys the best catches. Already disillusioned so my strange mix of arrogance and insecurity will look like nothing compared to the crazy, hateful ex-wife.
Yeah I'm crazy about a guy who was divorced with one kid at 26, divorced again with 3 kids...at 32. He's a great guy, great catch, with bad taste in women. Which, of course, explains why he's not into me...hee. He was willing to stay in a loveless, unhappy marriage because he knew how impossible it would be to find someone who'd see past all of that.
Dating is just nutty.
goodness... pass our bloom at 22??? what would that make me then??? hahahaha... oh well, life is good...
Welcome to the group home, 'ka. Don't forget that we're a little careful with our sugars, so sugar-free candy only for Bingo night.
Don't worry ya'll, I'll sneak in some of the good stuff. And Bingo? I thought it was Scrabble night this week? To think I've been reading the dictionary all week for nothing...NOTHING I tell you! Hee.
Yep. You should have stopped at B-I-N-G-O. We'll get you a large print calendar so that you don't get confused and start throwing Jell-o again. That was messy.
You could always head out to West Texas, where the Fundamentalist LDS, recently established a commmunity and church outside the town of Eldorado.
I've been told they're not really Mormons, but the DO have a much longer 'window of opportunity.'
Enjoyed visiting your blog today. Thanks for sharing with us.
That's good to know, since the fundamentalists (that's such a false word to use - hence the reasons they are not Mormons) in Utah are usually married by 14. Alas, joining both groups would require abandoning a religion I quite enjoy!
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