My stomach rumbled the effects of a 12-hour fast. The refrigerator taunted me. Recently it had held eggs, pancake mix, bacon, and creamer. Now that I am dieting, it contains a head of lettuce, carton of skim milk, fat free cheese and several apples. My hand flew to my throat in horror. The left hand flew to my forehead as I slouched in a perfect faint. (Note: My faints are legendary. I once gave such a good faint in the Missionary Training Center that the entire facility stopped to make sure I was okay. I have also fainted in several presidential burial areas. Some women just have the gift.)
I awoke on the cold linoleum. The moment had arrived for my first soliloquy:
“Oh, the wretched sacrifices I am forced to make! Here I lie, faint with hunger, no one to hear my pleas! Could life cause me more suffering? Must I be forced to endure such a fate?”
My cats obligingly appeared to beg their first meal. I directed my discourse to them.
“Do you accept my sacrifices, sad creatures? To fund your insistence on gourmet cat food, I must wither to nothing in order to secure us a second income. Will I survive such an ordeal? Look at me! I have slunk into a pit of hungry despair. Yet it is all for you. I give my life, my energy, my love of chocolate entrees for your welfare. The suffering of women is a cruel affair!”
The cats meowed their sympathy. I popped the Science Diet and Slimfast cans on the same opener, hoping for just a taste of crossover fat.
7 comments:
Ewwwwww.
I feel for you though. It's 10 year reunion year, I've been trying to be good. For a short while, I had convinced myself that I liked the royal chocolate SlimFast drinks.
sounds like torture.
so when you've fainted, has anyone dabbed your forehead with a lacy handkerchief and held smelling salts to your nose?
it always looked so dramatic in the movies.
Hey! They make Diet Coke with Splenda now, which seriously excites me because although I don't want to have a stroke, I like diet soda.
Also, I like SlimFast because it's easy. It requires almost no effort to "eat" and absolutely no cooking. There is nothing cooler than that even if it does taste like chocolate-flavored dirt.
Ach! I bow to your diva-ness. Not even when I wore a breastplate and horns and thundered out those high notes was I even half the DIVA that you are.
Thanks, gersh. I have rolled out the bass guitar and rented a garage just to use the name. We screams good. But then I threw a Diva-tantrum and smashed the guitars, so it's over before it began.
cadiz12 - fainting is actually the very best girly thing in the world. You always wake up to tons of attention and at least one attractive male. I recommend you learn yourself a faint or two.
On a general note, just made up all those lost Calories in a dinner at Claim Jumper - appetizer, entree, dessert - the works! Now back to dieting (again).
do you actually have to fall when fainting? is there a more graceful technique? and what are the odds that someone will catch you? (knowing me, i'd probably crack my skull open on the linoleum.)
The 'slump' faint is the safest. You just kinda crumble to the ground, thus protecting your head. I've actually never had a 'stiff' faint where someone would need to catch me. However, fainting should be done for attention, so never fear that there won't be someone to rush to your side.
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