In serious need of a Jiffy Feminist retool...

My healthy sense of feminine indignation seems to be on vacation just when I need it most. I have spent 2 weeks crying to friends over a guy! Me, who believes that male-female relationships are based on mere appeal to instinct. Me, who has talked countless female friends off the edge of relationship insanity. Me, who really should have a bumper sticker proclaiming "He's not worth it!" given the fact that I chant it like some crazed, feminist mantra.

So, what happened to me?

This morning, I sat with a bowl of Lucky Charms watching a Mexican telenovela. In the episode, the protagonist proposed marriage to a sweet young woman to help him "tear his past love out of his heart." (I love the melodrama.) The sweet thing agrees, then, not 5 minutes later, catches him kissing past love. Rather than stone him to death on the spot, the 2 women have a near cat fight and then each ends up sobbing in their respective homes. Eventually, the guy claims, "I was confused" and is forgiven by sweet thing.

The fact that I found this even slightly romantic is proof positive that my Femin-o-meter is broken. I need serious help.

I recognize that society no longer provides any incentive to men for monogamy. I understand that testosterone is not a naturally faithful hormone and that human males are at a reproductive disadvantage by mating for life. I know that a man who cheats for you will cheat on you. I also accept that the good guys, who understand commitment, already married their childhood sweethearts because they felt some loyalty born of love and have settled into the very manly existence of raising childrenm while those who remain single have been playing the field and have settled into a very happy life of endless sports on TV and women willing to sacrifice anything for 5 minutes of their time.

I feel my impending spinsterhood like a medieval torture device, whose spikes are descending upon me with agonizing slowness. I have visions of my eulogy reading, "found dead 2 weeks later in 1 bedroom apartment being eaten by her 1,000 cats. The LA humane society thanks her for her generous bequest of a $5,000 life insurance policy and reminds you to spay and neuter your pets."

My friend, Cate ( at http://mymomdatedspike.blogspot.com/) spent last night repeating all the advice my brother had given me not two days earlier. Today, I am going to try and stop fantasizing about the big, romantic gesture that will right it all. Then I am going home to bathe myself in as much feminine rhetoric as I can find - and try to ignore the fact that I am at home, alone with cats, and eating too much cookie dough.