Tale of Few Sneezes

First off, this post is partial explanation why I've been AWOL in comments, guys. So sorry! You know I love reading your work!

I sat down to interview my nephew last week. I had a tickle in my throat and kept sneezing and sniffling, but the press cannot be stopped.

GG: Are you writing down things for your friends?
Me: Yes, I am.
GG: Then start by saying thank you for living in the desert, because it’s polite to say you like where people live.
Me: Okay, but not all my friends live in the desert.
GG: Okay. Then just tell them I like everywhere that they live. And tell them that the coolest thing in the whole world is when you are cooking a breadstick on the fire. Then it turns into fire. Then it kapoofs away.

I sneezed.

GG: You have a cold.
Me: No. It’s just allergies.
GG: First you sneeze, then you get a cold.

I sniffled, and then sneezed.

Me: My friends want to know how to impress a girl.
GG: That’s easy. Just walk up to her and say, “Hello. How do you do?”
Me: That’s a novel idea, but I’ll bet it works.
GG: It does. Then you do nice things and chase them if they want to be chased.
Me: But how do you know girls like you?
GG: Eww. I don’t play with girls.
Me: Well, some guys do.
GG: (disgusted) No one at my preschool plays with girls. Girls join together. Then they get mean.
Me: Sometimes boys and girls can’t get along. How long does it take to heal a broken heart?
GG: About 35 minutes.
Me: You are such a guy.

I was laughing so hard that I started to cough.

GG: See, you have a cold. I have coughers, too.

He pretended to cough so I “won’t feel bad coughing alone.” (BTW, someone out there asked me to ask GG why all dental hygienists are girls. He rolled his eyes, spread out his hands, and replied, “That’s just the way that it is. You can’t change everything!” So, there’s your answer.)

Alas, GG in all his wisdom had perfectly predicted my cold. I awoke with sinuses so enlarged I looked like I suffered from Elephant Man Disease. My throat hurt. My head ached. My whole body shivered for no apparent reason. At one point, I was convinced my sinuses had grown so large that they were cutting off my air supply.

Today, I was planning my own funeral when I felt a tickle at the back of my throat. I reached for the nearest paper product socially approved for the disposal of bodily fluids. The tickle grew.

I sneezed.

Had the hero of a Sci-Fi flick been kindly caressing my face in exploration of alien life, he would have gotten a face full of goo. I felt mucous dislodge from my eardrums, lungs, and forehead. As I finished discarding the liter of guck that had previously been inside my head, I looked up to see my friend, Les, looking at me, shocked.

“Uh….question for you.” He stammered.

“Yes,” I replied, nonplussed, enjoying the flow of air into my nasal passages.

“Societal problem. 14-year old girls with bad attitude. Think you could fix that?”

I smiled. “Sure. I just cured my cold with one sneeze. I can solve bratty teens. Is next Thursday early enough?”

Les started to laugh. “Uhm, yeah. I guess.”

It didn’t bother me that I had been caught with my box of Kleenex. Breathing is a very nice thing.

MNF quote: “You’ll find yourself asking: why didn’t we run more? Why didn’t we pass more? Why didn’t we gain more yards? Well, the answer to all those questions is that you didn’t have the ball enough.” True dat.