Beyond Myself

Happy Birthday, My Boy!

2010-12-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

Even thinking about this post has made me tearful, so I'm just going to post pictures.

Baby boy, I love being your mommy. It's not possible to be more blessed.

My response to the myriad clamors for monetary help regarding Prop 8...my least favorite subject

2010-08-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

We won't be donating. The case for Prop 8 was argued so poorly that we feel that donating is a waste of money. And, btw, the point of a constitution is to stop the populace when it calls for injustice. The judge had a right and an obligation if he sensed that was the point of the law.

Our belief is that marriage is defined by GOD not people and that gay marriage legislation is a violation of our right to religious freedom as stated in the constitution. As this is a moment when two rights have collided, I had hoped for interesting, thoughtful court play that would set precedents to continue to protect religious freedom. Instead, the lawyers made us all look like ignorant bigots who just don't want gay people to have families. Prop 8 deserved to lose based on that argument. My religious freedom has not been protected, the organizations to which I belong look like backwater haters, and my money/time that I spent protecting God's right to define religious rites has been wasted.

So, unless you can guarantee me that the lawyers understand what they're doing in the appeal, we won't donate a single cent. I am not a bigot and none of this has protected my right to religious freedom - in fact, it's likely hurting it.

It's a sad day for everyone involved.

A Whole Lotta Firsts...

2010-06-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

Dave & I are still in the same situation - he is on the road most of the time and I'm working & mommying full time. I'm chronically tired but this little adorable person makes it all worthwhile!

So, here are his "firsts" over the last few months...

My first charitable contribution...cutest walker in all of Santa Monica! We support research for Cystic Fibrosis!

My first day at the beach AND my first hat...

My first Carousel ride with Mommy...

My first time inside an 18-wheeler...visiting Daddy at his truck!

And finally....my first experience with slapstick!

Yup. I support a public option.

2010-05-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

The same thing happened to my husband. We spent MONTHS arguing with our insurance company. Finally, I basically spammed congress with the story and then, magically, the company agreed to pay.

I hate for-profit insurance.

You must bow to His Cuteness!

2010-04-26T15:44:00.001-07:00

Seriously...isn't he adorable?!

So, like, I knew them once in that Internet sort of way...

2010-03-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

First, thanks to EVERYONE for their incredible support after my last post. I am amazed by the women in the world and their ability to rally. Your comments and emails meant the world to me. As a reward, I give you a picture of the world's cutest baby trying to gouge out his eye just to level the playing field for all the other mediocre world's cutest babies out there:
Next, I knew these people in the blogosphere and apparently, they want to get married and, dangit, I think they should and, if they want to, have a world's cutest baby to try and compete with mine. So, in order to get married sooner than 2 years from now, they need corporate sponsorship. In order to get corporate sponsorship, they need your vote. I assure you that they are very kind and deserving so I hope you'll vote for them by voting for them @ http://www.ultimateweddingcontest.com/entries/36688.

As for me - doing well. Someday, the baby will leave me be for long enough to post more than that...in the meantime, enjoy the photo of the world's cutest baby and try not to mourn over your own children too much (and, yes, of course, I'm joking about the world's cutest baby stuff, though he is kinda cute, right?!).

My baby was born!

2010-01-10T21:05:00.000-08:00

And I can't resist bragging...

He's notably more beautiful than either of his parents, but we're absolutely certain he's ours. We were there at his birth. As for his birth, it was quite the drama. My "labor" started on Wednesday (see last post). I had regular contractions that grew in strength but remained about 4 minutes apart. After I terrified an entire movie theater full of people by going into full labor during a showing of Invictus (great movie - good for contractions), my water finally broke and I knew I would get to have a baby. However, 12 hours later, I still had made no progress towards birth.

My nurse put me on my stomach to labor - a position that could be used as a torture device if the Geneva convention didn't exist - and we started Pitocin. Another 6 hours passed with no change. At that point, I lost my "au natural" tolerance. I had been in labor for 4 days and the pain had changed from tolerable to scary. I asked the nurse for an epidural and she quietly told me that I didn't need an epidural, I needed a doctor. I started to cry since I knew that meant that the only prayer not answered as we'd requested was for a natural, vaginal birth. The doctor arrived and told me the reality of the situation - neither baby nor mom could wait any longer. I needed a C-section.

It was the hardest choice of my life thus far but as I watched my baby's heartrate decline with each augmented contraction, my medical mind faced reality. 100 years earlier, women and babies in my position didn't have good outcomes. I needed to be a mom and do the right thing for my baby. So, I was off to an operating room.

As the doctor opened up the uterus, he declared, "That's a large head!" My medical self immediately panicked, "What is it?! Hydrocephalus? Megalocephaly?! Is he ok?!" The doctor laughed, "Actually, it's not that big when you see the rest of him." He pulled my 9 pound 14 ounce baby out and he screamed with healthy lungs. He is perfect and alive and here and everything I hoped. I am a truly blessed mama.

I mourn the loss of a vaginal delivery. I can't watch birth stories without dissolving into tears. I feel that I failed somehow and yet I know that I made the only possible choice in the moment. To quote Jean Valjean, "If there's another way to go, I missed it [long] ago." So, this is my baby's birth story. I'm grateful to have him, to breastfeed him, to love him, and to raise him. That's my concentration.

Just so very Argh

2009-12-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

9 hours in a hospital in labor and not one centimeter of change in my cervix. I'm dilated exactly the same as I was at the doctor's office when they announced "any day now" and I rushed my parents down here and started walking and working and got everything ready so that I could have my baby.

But I'm home now. No baby.

Am I broken? How is this possible? Does my body simply not work? Is it possible I'll never have this baby? Could I have come so close to my dream only to have something snatch it away at the last moment? I'll admit that's my fear.

The monitor showed that I was "having hard contractions" but then the doctor declared that since I was "tolerating it so well" it must be false labor. Well - okay - but does that really make sense? If you're not mooing like a cow or screaming for an epidural, does that necessarily mean that your contractions are false? I feel like the medical model has made such wimps of women - but here I am, with egg on my face and no baby.

I guess it doesn't matter. As soon as they announced that I'd either need an induction or a C-section or I could go home, labor stalled out completely. I guess I was just playing make believe.

I'm so depressed.

In the meantime...

2009-12-15T13:09:00.001-08:00

Still waiting on a baby, so I am completing some photo projects. I'm tired of being indoors and I miss work, but we're trying to wait until Nana arrives before I start any type of "labor encouragement." I'm loopy with boredom, though, as I do not rest well! So, here are some photos of the past few months. Dave & I have had fun in the very short "just the two of us" period of marriage!

Happy Halloween - we went as Barney from the Simpsons and his pregnant girlfriend!

Awesome seats at a really good LA Kings hockey game for Dave's birthday

Decorating my first "our" apartment. I had a lot of fun with the creative elements.

Ethan, Allison, Heather & I went to see a marionnette show in Santa Monica before the theater closed. Fun times, old jokes, great kids.

I'm very ready for pregnancy to pass but I'll miss several things...one of which is the opportunity to watch people be good to each other. There is no time in life where people are more aware of you than during pregnancy. I'm very unpopular on elevators (TV...seriously...how often do women go into labor during an elevator breakdown?!) and great conversation everywhere else. On the subway, however, I'm a case study in culture drift. In general, when I get on the subway, the oldest, least "white" man on the subway pushes himself out of a chair on wobbly legs to offer me a seat. I'm tempted to tell him that I'm okay, but the gesture is so touching that I accept it without hesitation...okay, graciousness and a back that hurts cuz this kid fells HUGE!

However, every so often, I'm surprised by what ensues. The last time I rode the subway, there were no seats and it was very crowded. The young, urban, white men did the typical look-away and pretend so as not to feel obligated to give up a seat. There were no old men seated as all had given up seats to the many women, who were not eager to stand. So, I grabbed the metal bar and prayed my balance and back would endure the bumpy ride. Sharing the bar was one of those "scary" types who had more tattoos than visible skin. The tattoos were only interrupted by piercings, of course, and he looked like he may have only had Coke for his meals that day. But he nodded politely at me and made room for me to hold the bar. After a moment, though, he excused himself.

Seconds later, I heard the scary guy calling, "Ma'am." I looked towards his voice and he was gesturing at a now empty seat recently vacated by a very sheepish (and frightened) young, urban, white male. I waddled over to the seat and thanked the men graciously. The young, not-scary man mumbled, "Sorry. I didn't see you." Inwardly, I laughed. It was obvious that scary guy had "informed" the young man that his seat was to be occupied by the very pregnant woman. I wished I'd seen the interchange. He must have been scared straight out of his stupor when that man approached him!

It's just one story in many - I think humankind is still good and it's been fun to be the focus of all that caretaking. We struggle to know our neighbors or change our habits but there's still goodness here.

Now, though, I'd rather have them coo over a newborn! I'm uncomfortable!

Ok...so calmer now

2009-11-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the dramatic rant last post. We are NOT as destitute as it seemed. In fact, God came through with some lovely financial bonuses and we are now back to 'getting by'. I'm still REALLY upset about the Prius and, as fixing a scratch is so far down the priority spending list as to be laughable, I'm mostly just trying to laugh about it all.

(Note: Also, I did not mean to imply that we have bought cheap and/or unsafe items for the baby. We are VERY price-aware at present and do a good deal of shopping and buying items a few years older than 'cool' in order to keep to our very strict budget. However, all items are perfectly safe & appropriate & durable....though that bedding set probably won't be shared among siblings.)

We are definitely in crunch time. As of next Tuesday, the baby is considered "full term" though he's not officially due until December 24th. He's measuring large for age and blah-blah-blah but it's still a waiting game. In the meantime, the need to finish up that nursery is top of our minds...along with about 3,000 other pending "must do" lists before little Ryker makes his appearance, including his daddy's need to pass the commercial drivers license test so that we can leave unemployment as a nasty memory during the period of gestation.

During tithing settlement, our Bishop told us that a member of the ward is the driving manager for UPS and another member has connections to FedEx. At present, those are our dream jobs. They require minimal time away from home, have fantastic benefits, and plenty of opportunity for career advancement once Dave completes his business degree. So, if you find a moment, please pray for us!

Otherwise, we're mischief managed for a while. My sister threw me a lovely baby shower last weekend. I enjoyed getting out of the house, doing my hair & makeup and having some social time before the little bundle takes over my every spare minute. I had a chance to chat with people I care for and to eat some yummy Claim Jumper food. My work also hosted a baby shower for me - so I've been abundantly spoiled. There are clothes in baby's closet, diapers in his diaper bin, and all the legal requirements have been filled. As soon as his nursery doesn't look like a storage closet, we'll be as prepared as I anticipate to be!

Open Letter to the Car Vandal in Granada Hills

2009-11-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

To Whomever chose to key my car yesterday:

Did you think you were screwing the "rich bitch" with the pristine Prius? Did you think that you were bringing me down a level? Or did you just think it was funny to damage the last nice thing I owned?

Do you know that my baby's crib was bought on severe discount and the bedding was an ebay purchase that barely held together through one wash? Do you know that most of his clothes will be hand-me-downs and that we keep a list of "necessity" baby items that are the only things we can buy? Did you know that I no longer get my hair done regularly and I've borrowed many maternity clothes? Did you know that every last dime that we have is poured into trying to keep us financially stable and find my husband a vocation in these times of nothingness?

Do you know that the car is parked because we can't afford to insure it beyond the basic package? Do you realize that I had to refinance it and now it has to sit there for years so that the warranty doesn't run out before it's paid off? Did you realize that sometimes, the only thing that helped me to walk through this time of financial frustration was to run my hand along that beautiful exterior and remember that all sacrifice has purpose and that there once were times of pretty things and plenty?

Probably not. I wouldn't expect anyone to know that. You probably didn't care, either. You just had a key and I had a beautiful Prius.

Thanks for ruining that for me.

A Monthly Newsletter!

2009-10-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I noticed as I logged in that I've been faithfully posting about once a month, so we're just going to call this blog a monthly newsletter. One day, my husband and I will upload pictures and we'll make this a complete, multi-color phenomenon. For today, it's just an update on all things McCulloch family.

The Pregnancy
Still progressing. Right now, the little pest is performing leg windmills on top of my stomach. While this is contributing to a small return of nausea and early satiety, I'm grateful for the signs of life. He's doing great and growing right on schedule. He's survived SIX plane trips (the most recent to Minneapolis) without even a set of hiccoughs. The most recent ultrasound revealed a fully functioning little boy with good movement in the head-first position. I'm hoping he stays so compliant clear through labor.

Speaking of labor, we are very busy frightening ourselves through labor education. There are definitely days where I wish for less scientific information on the matter. It may have been better to one minute be picking peas in a field, the next be in labor, and the following be either dead or back to work. As is, I feel inundated by the good, bad and ugly of what awaits us in 2 months. I spend a fair share of time figuratively writing 'Don't Panic' in nice, friendly letters over my head.

The baby
The baby also has a name: Ryker David McCulloch. I never saw myself as the "weird" name type but the name has a really good story and purpose. My husband's family is rather recently immigrated from Scotland. In the Scottish naming tradition, our little bundle should be named after his paternal grandfather: Richard. Hmm...not my favorite name. So, we searched the world over for a way to pay homage to Scottish traditions without following the exact name line. After months of frustrated searching, I stumbled upon Ryker: the Nordish derivation of the English name, Richard. It seemed perfect. When we told Dave's dad, he got tears in his eyes over the idea that we're respecting tradition. I've been surprised by how many people like the name. I was concerned that everyone would wrinkle their noses at our unusual (and somewhat Star Trekian) choice.

The Work
I have a good job but I'm looking forward to maternity leave. For the first time since I left college, I don't have to go to work for 3 whole months. I know those months will be filled with exhaustion and baby-anxiety, but it still feels nice to think about 3 whole months without the morning rush and stress of my job. Of course, that also means I have to trust the state to provide my paycheck. Everyone in Cali just started laughing hysterically at that statement. Since the state can't be trusted to pay its own bills, let alone mine, Dave & I have been crazily stockpiling money to pay our rent. God has been kind and we've had several large windfalls of late. We just pray the cars stay functional and the medical bills remain manageable so that the money can go where it's been allotted!

Dave has taken a job as an on-the-road truck driver. This has been such a grueling decision for us. We're not looking forward to his lengthy absences but after 14 months of job searching, we had to have a solution. This is the only industry we've found that is open enough for him to get an easy in without unpaid internships, ridiculous experience requirements, and rotten pay. So, he's in training right now. He'll leave on his first big "outing" in January. I'm already mourning the loss of the guy on whom I rely for everything. It'll be good for me to remember to be independent and a challenge not to become so independent while he's gone that he feels unnecessary. We know that God will bless us and that's about as far as we can go in the processing of this huge change in our plans.

The pregnancy is an emotional bag and/or housecleaning section
I know that 'nesting' is common in pregnancy - that need to put aside all the old and have everything in order for the birth of the baby. We've cleaned and re-cleaned the house literally several times. However, I think I'm also going through a period of culling the outside forces that may distract me from momhood. I've always been a keeper of people - once collected, I rarely let go of a friendship - but lately, I've been letting myself be offended, truly a first for me. Dave pointed out a while ago that I'm a little too responsible in conflict. I accept guilt and work for solutions, often in a one-sided venture to maintain a friendship. I'm usually successful but lately that whole process has felt overwhelming and exhausting. For the past month, I've been in this very self-contained place with just the baby and I - oh, and we let daddy intrude every so often of course. I'm coming out of that since I know that the baby and I will need support after we're 2 separate bodies and especially once Dave starts trucking. However, the month of living internally was an interesting experiment. When I stopped taking all the responsibility for maintaining my friendships, I was quite surprised at the results. For some friends, this was a really healthy shift and we were able to come back to a more balanced place. For some friends, the change was completely taken in stride as though it had never happened and we've resumed communication exactly where we were. For other friends, I saw what Dave had mentioned - all the energy for that friendship had lived with me. When I stopped maintaining it, the other person shrugged it off, even in instances where I thought we were inseparably connected. Whether I had stopped communicating because I'd been offended or just because the burden of communication had felt ornerous at that time, the lack of reinvestment on the other person's behalf was illuminating. A part of me was a little hurt, I'll admit, but most of me recognized that I'm an overinvestor. Thankfully, this little man inside me is wiser than his mama and he's led me on quite a journey...albeit one that wants to put His Highness Ryker at the center of my entire existence.

The Church
Probably the thing I feel most grateful for at this point in time is the awareness that Heavenly Father has had of Dave and I. I became aware a few months ago that pretending or politically correcting everything I say on this subject was akin to negating the powerful efforts God has maintained to sustain our little family. From bringing Dave and I together to the extremely healthy gestation of this little one to our financial stability, there is no explanation but the miraculous. We are highly blessed and very aware that God is in every detail of our lives and that without him, nothing that is would have been. We are working to be more profitable servants, though, at times, our love for Jay Leno may disrupt our nightly scripture study and my desire to live internally may frustrate our service efforts! However, we are very aware that we owe him greatly and should at least publish His good works on our behalf.

The funny closing story
Sorta in that vein...the primary program was last Sunday in church. I love watching the children present everything they've learned over the past year. As I am the music leader (primary chorister), I was a little stressed. I am also the primary disciplinarian and so I had double duty over the little monsters...errr....sweet spirits sent from above. The kids did amazingly well, though, and I only had to pull out "the look" for one wayward soul who had found a piece of paper that served as an eyeglass during the Bishop's remarks.

The best moment of the whole program, however, was due to one of our sweet little Sunbeams (class of kids age 3-4). He was being assisted by his teacher in order to "read" his part in the program. The teacher is a sweet, dedicated woman with an unfortunately thick Mexican accent. As she whispered in our little guy's ear, he got a little lost. She whispered, "I am a spirit child of my Heavenly Father. In Psalms..." The little guy did his best as he repeated to the audience: "I am a spirit child of my Heavenly Father. It sucks." The entire crowd burst into laughter. The poor embarrassed teacher corrected him and moved on, but there was some mad giggling by the adults through most of the next song.

Well, that's the basic update. We also went to Disneyland and I travelled to Minneapolis...but there's just not time or room for every story! Happy month! By this time next month, I'll be at 36 weeks gestation!

My Husband. 5 am.

2009-09-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy is not for sissies. I truly believe that we would eradicate the teen sex problem if we could give the little darlings an accurate dose of hormones (not just the cute little belly and larger breasts) to upset their system and then let them know that 97% of all women who are having sex regularly will at some point experience a pregnancy. Most, I believe, wouldn't make it past the nausea and vomiting. I'm certain that they'd all swear off sex by the time their backs started to hurt, they stopped "glowing" and started waddling, and the mask of pregnancy appeared. Alas, while it is worth it to have this beloved and much-anticipated little person wiggling inside of me every day, I am not my most attractive or comfortable.

The other day, I hurt my shoulder pushing myself out of bed. Really, I haven't gained that much weight - just about 10 pounds - but somehow the act of hoisting my awkward & growing belly out of bed wrenched my shoulder. The pain has been unpleasant, especially when lying down. Then I got a cold. I'm so tired and I want to sleep but the pain in my shoulder keeps me awake.

Yesterday, we went to the doctor, who had a million other things he thought more important than my sleeping habits. We left with an antibiotics prescription but nothing for the shoulder. At home, I asked my husband for a Priesthood blessing (a special prayer given by those who hold the Priesthood) to help me heal. He agreed, of course, but the night ran away from us. We were lying in bed when the ache in my shoulder reminded me but I hastily added that I could wait until the morning.

By 5 am, the Tylenol had long worn off and the ache had grown to pain. I was trying to keep from waking my husband but failed miserably as my tossing and turning to try and find a tolerable position disrupted his sleep. He comforted me the best he could and then got up. I assumed he was getting me a Tylenol when the light came on. I continued to search for any possible sleeping position.

After a few minutes, my sweet husband reappeared. At 5 am, he had dressed in his suit and tie so that he could give me the requested blessing. As he laid his hands on my head, I felt very blessed to have found a man who would do something so sweet. I knew God would hear his prayers - how could he not?

The blessing, sweet and simple and a little sleepy, ended. My husband removed his suit and fell back into bed. However, instead of resuming his usual crashed-out-in-sleep position, he moved over to wrap himself around me and rub my shoulder until I fell back to sleep. I'd fallen asleep across his chest and that's where I found myself the next morning.

My husband, to his credit, has not so much as commented on feeling tired or sleep-deprived today. I went to work knowing one truth: I am a very blessed woman.

yes, Virginia, there is a reality...

2009-09-03T10:12:00.001-07:00

Lily Tomlin made a great ad about the need for improved healthcare in America...

Thought I'd share...

I've so had it with opposition without purpose

2009-08-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

I've decided what's wrong with our government. It's the toddlers. Oh, no, not the nation's ACTUAL toddlers but the bevy of lawmakers who run about shouting "NO" regardless of whether they're offered a cookie or a spanking.

You see, after age 4, it's anticipated that humans will learn to weight options and make careful decisions about saying no. But that's not the case with the average Republican lawmaker. No...even when they campaigned as a friend of a good idea, when the day for the vote comes, they shout "NO" and tantrum their way back into the headlines. Well, I now echo the democratic leaders as I say:

"Republicans are going to oppose health care reform, no matter how many
concessions Democrats make...There's simply no need for bipartisan talks...and
Obama and Democratic lawmakers should stop chasing GOP cooperation that will
never materialize."

Just like any good parent, it's time to stop asking the toddlers for their opinion. Sometimes, things are just good for the toddlers, whether they tantrum about it or not. After all, you don't let a toddler touch a hot stove just because he or she screams "NO" when you stop the wayward hand. You don't let the toddler rush out into traffic just because he or she will toss onto the sidewalk and scream in opposition if you halt the life-devouring act. So, the day has come to accept the Republican temper tantrum and still do what's best for the nation.

Here are some facts for the reality-based:

1. Healthcare rationing is already a way of life.

I deal with this every day. Insurance companies decide which drugs can be prescribed, which doctors can be seen, which procedures are logical, and which specialists may be consulted. I work with a disease called Cystic Fibrosis. Every best practices document in the world repeats that a dietitian is a vital part of CF treatment. But can the children see me? Nope. Not a covered benefit. If the family wants, they can "pay out of pocket" but when families face hundreds of dollars in copays, they don't add on the service. This is healthcare rationing. The industry is deciding what healthcare you can have. So, here's the real question: do you want an executive with a balance sheet determining if you get proper treatment or would you like some say? Do you know that 80% of the care YOU RECEIVE is contrary to best practices for your condition? It is...and a huge reason for that is that your HMO, PPO, or medical group won't authorize the proper treatment.

Personally, I like public programs. My kids on public programs (Medicare, California Care) are much healthier, get better and more rapid care, and have access to anything mentioned as a best practice. That's how government programs run - they are mandated to provide the care deemed appropriate by national health groups. Huh. That sounds like a good practice. It sounds like what people would want.

So - bullshit now called on the "healthcare rationing" tantrum.

2. No one is going to kill granny.

Really. Idiots. Is Medicare killing granny? No. So, it's unlikely that we're going to start now if we've let all these grannies live to ripe old ages for the past 30 years.

Oh & by the way - my medical insurance once had a "death squad" on my behalf. I had an extreme cluster headache that failed to respond to pain medication. My doctor wanted an MRI to rule out anything truly scary, like a tumor. I wasn't dying - that was obvious - but we couldn't stop the headache. The doctor submitted the request for authorization and was told, "Patient may not be viable (aka having capacity for life). Please resubmit authorization once viability established." In other words, my insurance company was betting on my death and wanted to save itself a few thousand dollars rather than diagnose my impending doom.

So, the reality is that when you get expensive sick, your insurance company stops paying. That's their version of a death squad and I see it over and over and over again here at the hospital - by denying care, they deny life. Personally, I'll take Medicare since I've watched Medicare grannies and kids on Medicaid yanked back from death until they sign paperwork saying they're ready for it - that's much nicer than some businessman who has never met me trying to save himself a buck by encouraging me to die.

While I'm on the subject...that's another bullshit call for the "don't kill granny" tantrum.

3. Capitalism means that if we create a better product, the entire industry will evolve to provide the better product. It's good for business to have competition.

The claim is that a public option will drive private insurers out of business and that is anti-free market economics. Okay, the first part is likely true. HOWEVER, the second part is pure tantrum. It's pro-capitalism to create a better, cheaper, more effective product and let the market readjust. The insurance companies have had 30 years to do this on their own - they opted not to do so because, dangit, the profit was too good! So, the time has come to create that better product. There needs to be a shift towards the better, cheaper, more effective product so that the market can readjust. That's capitalism. You know, that thing that supposedly Democrats don't understand (major BULLSHIT there since we're the group that wants EVERYBODY to have an equal voice!)...but in capitalism, the better product gets the customers. Toyota drove the American cars out of business because it built better cars for less money. The public option may drive the private insurers out of their cushy pensions for a while, but then the market will readjust and the private companies will begin to make a better product (or die, as the American car makers chose to do until this recession finally woke them up a little).

So, I have to call BULLSHIT on this confusion of facts. It's just another tantrum.

4. Quality will likely improve with a public option.

Do you know that Medicare is the medical insurance plan with the highest patient satisfaction and best outcomes (despite the fact that 100% of its beneficiaries die - they're just old, folks) in the nation? Guess what has the lowest satisfaction...private insurance plans!!!

Also, guess which countries boast the highest satisfaction and best outcomes? It ain't the US of A, my friends. It's France with its completely socialized system that has somehow led to extremely long lifespans despite terrible lifestyles and Germany with the hybrid system (part private, part public) we're trying to enact here. You see, they're healthier than we are. They get better care. They focus more on prevention and so the public is happier and lives richer lives. And that bullshit about wait times? Guess what - Americans wait longer than Canadians for most appointments and surgeries. Oh, and Canadians are happier with their healthcare than we are.

So, we call bullshit on the "poor quality" argument...reform will likely create better care that will satisfy us more. Sorry, Republicans, but this one is just another tantrum.

I could go on for a really long time because it's all just tantrumy bullshit. We need to change the system and we need to stop letting wealth determine health - because that's bad business. The time has come for Papa America to ignore the whines of his little herd and just do the right thing for the family. Really - the time is past.

But that said, none of us have much hope. The truth is that America is focused on the whiners. That's why a group of the smartest minds in medicine sat around a table the other day with heads in hands lamenting the foolishness of the American people. As practitioners, they see the truth - they are limited in bad ways by insurance companies and only reform can restore them to the way they need to practice in order to improve lives. But that's not likely to happen because Republican tantrums have already effectively terrified the easily swayed public. The dream of Obama has past - in the end, Americans are just whinerbabies who would rather run headlong towards healthcare disaster than face the fear born of progress.

Of course, the medical professionals in question would love to be proven wrong. Please. Prove us wrong. Ignore the tantrums and help the people...help yourself...by choosing reform.

So tired of the bullshit...

2009-08-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I said it.

So, America, stop listening to the overpropagandized fearmongering. Resist the urge to believe every bit of unsolicited junk mailk or inbox SPAM that is full of stinky manure. And when I say 'America' - I really mean 'senators' and, in particular, any ex-governors of small northern states.

On healthcare...the real stuff....

WASHINGTON – Former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin says the health care overhaul bill would set up a "death panel." Federal bureaucrats would play God, ruling on whether ailing seniors are worth enough to society to deserve life-sustaining medical care. Palin and other critics are wrong.

Nothing in the legislation would carry out such a bleak vision. The provision that has caused the uproar would instead authorize Medicare to pay doctors for counseling patients about end-of-life care, if the patient wishes. Here are some questions and answers on the controversy:

Q: Does the health care legislation bill promote "mercy killing," or euthanasia?

A: No.

Q: Then what's all the fuss about?

A: A provision in the House bill written by Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore., would allow Medicare to pay doctors for voluntary counseling sessions that address end-of-life issues. The conversations between doctor and patient would include living wills, making a close relative or a trusted friend your health care proxy, learning about hospice as an option for the terminally ill, and information about pain medications for people suffering chronic discomfort.
The sessions would be covered every five years, more frequently if someone is gravely ill.

Q: Does the bill advocate assisted suicide?

A: No. It would block funds for counseling that presents suicide or assisted suicide as an option.

Q: Who supports the provision?

A: The American Medical Association, the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization and Consumers Union are among the groups supporting the provision. AARP, the seniors' lobby, is taking out print advertisements this week that label as false the claim that the legislation will empower the government to take over life-and-death decisions from individuals.

There are more FACTS, too. More reality. More "this is not a bad thing." So - please stop listening to corporateers who know how to use fear and peer pressure as marketing tools. You're playing right into their money-loving hands by keeping America so stuck in a rut that we never do anything progressive that could improve the place...for those of us who need it to be a bit improved.

Oh - and while I'm on this high horse - Folks, really, stop buying your tweens designer labels. This is basic parenting 101! Teach the kids some responsibility and how to resist marketing ploys...oh, wait, that would mean that YOU have to have those skills. Oh, well, never mind. The healthcare debate has shown me that at least this generation of adults will do whatever the marketeers tell them to do, especially if they have pretty hair.

It's a boy?!

2009-08-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, this little nause-induction machine is NOT a girl. Her name will not be Isabel. What it will be remains to be seen...though it will NOT be the one name that is shared among all male members of my husband's family. Okay, that's an overstatement, but you seriously would not believe how much name in-breeding exists in that Scottish Clan.

My husband is doing ok with the disappointment. Last night, he dug his baseball glove out of a box in the bedroom and placed it on the baby's dresser. I think he'll be a good dad to a boy.

Ye Said General Update

2009-07-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

Husband & I returned from our trip to Utah last Monday. We had a great time. I'd post pics but we were too lame to remember to take any! I am thoroughly dependent on my family to provide us with any photographic record of the entire experience.

Anyway - here's a summary of the whirlwind:

Thursday: Flew to Salt Lake City. Husband got stuck in traffic and arrived 10 minutes before loading time. Thank heavens that a very nice flight attendant had helped me to arrange everything so that our luggage and ourselves arrived simultaneously at our destination. She was a gem among airline personnel.

Friday: I went to get a manicure that took forever. So, we left late for Idaho. We went to Bear World, a really great semi-zoo near Rigby, Idaho. You can feed the bears and watch the baby bear cubs play. It was also here that I learned that bears give birth to 1/2 pound cubs and realized that there is no justice among mammals. Humans, who are, in case you didn't know, much smaller than bears, give birth to 7-9 pound monstrosities, while kangaroos & bears barely grunt and out pops the baby. Where is the logic in that?

Saturday: The final wedding event in Idaho. I feel like there is not enough gratitude in the world for me to thank all the people who worked so hard on my wedding. My mom's friend hosted the event. She had worked to make her yard an absolute floral wonderland. In the end, it was the reception of my dreams. I am so blessed.

Sunday: My brother's newborn daughter was blessed (religious ceremony) in Logan, Utah. She is an absolute doll. We all fell immediately in love with her and spoiled her to pieces. It won't matter, though, she'll still be the sweetest thing under 10 pounds in the whole nation. Then we had a luncheon at Mom's house (party #2...keep counting).

Monday: Sarah (aka Cate the Great) came up to Logan so that we could hang out. We shopped for a maternity swimming suit (the time had come), went to coo over brother's baby, and ate pizza. Then she left and the rest of us went to the family reunion for my Dad's side of the family. It was a pool party (Party #3). I had a husband to entertain so I missed all the good gossip. Darnit. That's my favorite part of a family reunion!

Tuesday: I don't really remember this day. There were errands, exhaustion and some swimming at the Logan Rec Center...then I threw up. Not my day.

Wednesday: Supposedly, another relaxing day...haha. Instead, we went to the Fun Center for Lazer Tag & bowling and then my husband's sister, nieces and their families came over for a dinner party (party #4). I was glad to spend some time with the Utah in-laws since I don't know them very well. Of course, because they're night owls, they then wanted to go 4-wheeling after dark. I'm a recently married, pregnant woman, so I'll leave to your imaginations how well that went over with me (Hint: not well).

Thursday: We went to Raging Waters to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. It was amazingly fun. I couldn't do the slides, but it felt great to float around the lazy river and play at the wave pool. My husband had fun bonding with my brother on the crazy slides. Afterwards, we had yet another family reunion, this time with Mom's family. Her family is beyond lively, so the night was filled with story-telling and food. The baby decided to move a lot that night, so it was also fun to share the "Quickening" (Seriously - does my baby have to lob off other Highlanders' heads in order to be born? That word has just been ruined.) with my friends & family. (Oh - and that was Party #5...yep, 5 parties in 7 days!)

Friday: Off to St. George, Utah for Pioneer Day! We stopped in Cedar City, Utah, for some games in the park and chased elusive fireworks in St. George. Of course, we took some time to swim & golf since that's what St. George is all about! (By the way, whenever I tell people that we vacation every year in St. George and when I planned my wedding in St. George, they assume it's the Bahamas. I don't always clarify that misconception *evil grin*).

Saturday: I promised my husband I'd stay at the condo with him in the morning. We had plans but instead we played host to the maintenance crew who needed to fix the ceiling fan. There will be more on this missed opportunity later. Later in the day, we finally saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (best HP movie yet!). An evening thunderstorm spoiled the day's pool excursion but it was fun to watch the lightening!

Sunday: No rest for the weary! Our 3-state vacation concluded in Las Vegas, Nevada. We saw the Tournament of the Kings at Excalibur...which has become the sluttiest stop in Vegas. They had a half-naked dancer in the lobby! Everywhere you looked was less appropriate than the last glance. We were thoroughly disgusted. Luckily, the show was nice and the rooms were lovely, so we just ignored the casino...especially since we had 2 children under age 10 in tow!

Monday: Back to the real world. *sigh* I miss my family so much when I return to LA-la land. Even my apartment felt a little disappointing after the fun of a week with family.

So, that was vacation. Fun, family, friends, parties and non-stop travel. No wonder I'm a bit tired. Okay...and that might be part of the grumpiness. However, the fact that my dope of a husband actually answered the question his ever-irritating female friend posed to him (Hint: it involved the world laid) has certainly contributed to my expanding bad mood. It'll be a long, long, LONG time before he gets to give the affirmative response to that impertinent, inappropriate, and downright immature question unless he shapes up both his mouth, willingness to please said friend, and overall respect for my privacy! Okay...done ranting...vacation was too good to rant much more!

Tuesday: We were supposed to have a "quiet" day but instead we went to the Fun Park

I really like this guy...glad I decided to keep him.

2009-07-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

I like to watch the Today show while I eat my breakfast. My husband usually joins me for some morning together time, but he never really comments. The news (if that's what Today is...) is my thing, not his.

This morning, Meredith reported on yet another pecadillo from a celebrity who has been vindicated by the press since his wife is, supposedly, "mean" and no one should be expected to be faithful to a "mean" wife. Today, a celebrity "expert" was commenting that he was only 28 when he had his children, so this current evidence that he's a jerk is really just his need to relive a lost childhood.

My husband was appalled. He grumbled, "I hate it when they justify every jerkish thing some guy does. Like guys have no control and live life at the mercy of everyone else. It's just dumb. The guy's a jerk. He's got 2 women on the side and he's abandoned his family to party it up in France. That's not 'I'm a victim.' It's 'I'm a jerk but the media is on my side.'"

I mentioned that most people think his wife is not nice, either, though she seems to have been faithful to the family. Dave harumphed again, "He thought her nice at some point. Married her. Unless he claims it was Tom Cruise in a Mission:Impossible disguise who married her and then got her pregnant several times over. Otherwise, he's got no excuse. If he wanted out - he's still irresponsible, but he could have gotten out. Until that point, he shoulda kept it zipped and now he should be renting a house next door and helping with the kids, not partying in France."

I laughed. My husband is big on the responsibility vibe. However, one thing I noticed and appreciated quickly about him is that he doesn't blame the ex-wife completely for the reason they didn't hold together. He's always been honest about his involvement, and about the lessons he learned. In fact, I've heard barely a rude word about her (and she deserves a few, since 'commitment' was not her favorite word in the dictionary), but my husband always tells me that he had a share in what happened and he wants to own up to that share.

I know that no one can guarantee that their spouse won't eventually party it up with young, nubile French things, but I'm glad that, at least, if it happens, I'll be able to call him a jerk and he'll have to acknowledge that he is. I told him that as he showered. He laughed and reminded me that he's not going anywhere and he's not a jerk.

No. Most definitely. My husband is not a jerk.

Update on baby & Olliver

2009-07-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

We had our 16 week OB appointment today. The baby seems to be doing well. The doctor had to really work to get it to stay still for the heart doppler. The baby was not fond of all the poking around its ever-enlarging home! It's weird to think of a little, moving creature swimming around inside of me, especially since I can't feel it yet. The heartbeat is nice and strong and I've grown as expected. The only worry is my ongoing weight loss. I'm doing my best but the parasite just takes all the food - not much I can do about that!

This weekend, my second cat, Olliver, was returned to us. He's such a cute little orphan. He's been passed around like leftover cheesecake but just remains quite the adorable little cat. However, he has this spine-tinglingly loud meow. Seriously, you can hear this cat 3 doors away. He enjoys meowing, too, and does so regularly. In fact, constantly.

My husband does not like noise. I've wondered if we should permanently stuff his ears with something so that he can tolerate the noisy world better. So, let's just say that Olliver's noisy existence has been and unwelcome addition to Dave's happy world. He bears it as best he can but then the yelling starts. Two nights ago, I enjoyed a sleepy chorus of MEOW-hiss (by Preston) - shout (by Dave). It went on several hours before I sent everyone to separate quarters. The kitten didn't mind the hissing or the yelling, but it certainly was enough to ruin my night's rest!

Yesterday, the kitten was mostly quiet until mid-day when he started his cat opera impression. After about an hour (Dave's estimate, but I'd bet it was more like 3 minutes.), Dave chased the kitten back into the back bedroom. He reopened the door when the cat quieted but Olliver didn't emerge from his hiding place in the closet.

I got home a few hours later and, after kissing my husband and petting Preston, went to check on the new addition. He pitifully meowed when he saw me. I picked him up and carried him out to the front room. When he saw Dave, he ducked his head in my arm and whimpered until I let him go. He ran back to the bedroom and hid.

"Honey, I think you hurt his feelings," I joked with Dave, who gave me the patented animals-aren't-people glare that spouses reserve for the other spouse's pets.

The evening passed. I worked to coax the kitten out but he'd come only so far as he could see Dave before dashing back into the bedroom. Finally, I told Dave he needed to go and apologize, mostly joking.

Dave rolled his eyes but dutifully went to the back room to pick up Olliver. He sarcastically apologized. The kitten looked at him, purred during his pets, then jumped down and ran out to the living room without a second thought. He happily initiated play and spent a lazy evening irritating Preston - all without more than a muted yelp.

I laughed heartily. That petulant cat just thought he was owed an apology!

A cheerier post...

2009-07-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

I realized I've posted a lot of paranoia lately. We're really doing very well and I'm adjusting to not being in control of my body anymore (every function from eating to sex to emotional health seem to be at the mercy of whatever phase of development has gripped the alien). But we're happy & healthy & enjoying our new apartment. I have a million photos that desperately need to be uploaded off our cameras....that little to-do item just never seems to make it to the top of the priority list.

So, in place of paranoia, I bring you a short review of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. We saw the movie last night at our local theater (within walking distance!).

Movie: Enjoyable.

Plot: Second verse, same as the first (but I thought it improved upon itself. Dave disagreed.)

Action: I love watching those giant Transformers do their transforming thing. However, they really need to upgrade weapons for more desert-appropriate warfare. They couldn't hit a thing in the sand.

Acting: What?! Where?! haha - mostly kidding. Shia LeBeouf (spelling?) gave a lovely final performance before his personal self-destruct ruins an otherwise promising action movie career. And Megan Fox will always have the porn industry.

Soapbox: So...the boy goes to an Ivy League university and the girl gets tighter jeans? *sigh* Once again, I realize that all feminism got us was the ability to act proud about being a dumb stereotype.

Summary: Overall good fun. I'd read many a negative posting about the movie before I went to see it, but I didn't find them justified at all. I think they were mainly written by people who get joy out of acting like anything popular sucks. But we had a good time and it was a nice break from unpacking boxes!

I didn't know you could worry so much about something as small as a lemon...

2009-06-22T13:40:00.000-07:00

I've been really sick with this pregnancy. I take Zofran - I won't make the Internet endure the hefty amount of guilt that I feel for taking any drug while pregnant - because otherwise, I couldn't eat or drink anything without a quick trip to the bathroom to dispose of the offending article of food or beverage. I wanted to wean off Zofran in my 2nd trimester (which started on Saturday) but so far all of my attempts have resulted in the same old, same old.

So, today I decided to reassure myself that ongoing vomiting in the 2nd trimester is normal. HAHA! What was I thinking?! The Internet exists to make certain that every pregnant woman KNOWS that her pregnancy is abnormal, her baby likely completely flawed, and she'll probably die in childbirth. Seriously, the number of horror stories and negative outcomes listed across the Internet would leave you convinced that no woman in history has ever produced a healthy, living, non-birth defected human child.

Today, I discovered that my baby is either 1) super healthy or 2) crippled with Down's Syndrome since I am still vomiting into my 2nd trimester. Great. Of course, then I get to read how Down's is the greatest blessing OR the worst nightmare of any mother who gets such a child. Well, lemme tell ya, I'm not the right mom for a disabled child. So, now I get to make myself sick with worry until 16 weeks when we get the AFP. Since I have had unusual lab results every draw, I imagine that will also come out unusual and this endless worry will continue until the amnio, which the Internet tells me will likely confirm every last worry because every baby since the dawn of time has had some dreaded form of malformation.

In the past 24 hours, I have worried about crazy murderers in LA who are killing pregnant women, the likelihood that if I don't get cable I will miss a terrorist attack warning and my baby will die, whether the hallway between our bedroom and the nursery is too long so that I can't get to the baby in case of disaster, and whether or not my abdominal itch means that I have gone into liver failure. You may think I'm kidding, but a good computer tech would notice that I have attempted to google information on each of those subjects - as though someone had already manifested the answer to my insanity. Sometimes, I long for simpler days when no one knew what was going to happen to them. The women got pregnant, the babies came out and lived or died, and life went on or it didn't. Of course, in 3/5 cases, life didn't go on for the women, so maybe I'll take the worry after all....maybe.

What can I say - after all these years, I've become a joiner.

2009-06-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

First, I joined this club...

Then I joined this club...

Now I'm well on my way to joining this club...

DUE DATE December 24, 2009 (poor baby)

P.S. While nothing in life is perfect, I do want to go on record as saying that dreams do come true. Things that you really want can come to pass. While no one gets a guaranteed pass to happiness, you can have perfect little moments. So, never give up & never surrender, my fellow mortals.

Well, Happy Mother's Day to You!

2009-05-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

We spent a really great weekend with my parents and sister's family in San Diego. It was the first time I'd been with my mom on Mother's Day in 6 years! We had such a lovely time - Sea World, beach day, delicious Mother's Day brunch, great mom-daughter advice chats...everything a weekend with Mom should be.

On our way home yesterday, Mom texted me to say that my sister had made it home safely and to ask how close we were (since we live further west than she does). I texted that we were doing well, almost home, had had a lovely time, and that I loved her. Then my dear, sweet mother - new to the text-habit of our generation - sent me back her loving sentiments, or so she thought.

When I flipped open my cell phone, here is the message I received: "Good lord you too." My mom rang a moment later, laughing hysterically over the difference one word makes. I laughingly asked if she'd cancelled our life insurance policies she'd held for us during childhood or if we should be nervous - and apologized for surviving the drive home, of course!

That "freaked out mother" feeling without the baby

2009-05-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

You know how mothers go around seeing the world as a terrifying place for the first few years of their baby's life but then a few years later they're staying on the bench and just shouting "don't eat dog doo-doo, honey" rather than nervously cleaning the park before putting down baby? I think I have that - not about babies but about marriage. I read the book, "How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage" and drug poor Dave through every one of the exercises. Exasperated one day, he said, "Hon, no matter what we do now, in the end, whether or not we cheat, comes down to one choice on one day and nothing can completely prepare us for whatever happens that day." Well, I thought him wise. I married him for being wise like that, but I still feel like that nervous mom running around looking for baby hazards. I still don't like his female best friend and I don't get why they can't just agree to do things in public rather than in endless text messages and emails. It makes me crazy every time that phone buzzes and I've been tempted to do crazy things like delete his account since it's under my name. And this whole Jon & Kate thing is making me worse, since the guy has a reality TV show focused on him and his 8 kids and he still found time to cheat on his wife! (John Edwards fathered a baby after his wife nearly died and while he ran for President!) It all just puzzles me.

But through it all, I realize the wisdom of Dave's words. There's no preparing for it. Who we are happens in the momentary details of our lives. My dear college friend woke up on January 1st to hear her husband announce that his New Year's resolution was to get a divorce. He'd been a devoted family man and now he is a relative stranger to the people he once loved. I don't get how it happens, but I know, in my heart, that it's all about personal choices and no one knows for sure who they'll be in 5, 10, 15 or 50 years. You just hold your breath and walk down the long tunnel. Maybe everybody cheats. Maybe the lucky wives and husbands are the ones who just don't know about it. Or maybe our society just over-romanticizes love to the point that we've abandoned all personal responsibility to our commitments, even if it means going without that hot, new love affair when life gets old and stale.

Poor Dave had on a nature program the other day about why men cheat - it was about the biological need to reproduce and the fact that human children are relatively self-sufficient after age 4, so there's no biological reason to remain with an old mate. I pitched a fit, of course, because it just reinforced my paranoia about marriage. The poor guy - of course that phone buzzed at that precise moment. I stormed off to bed with a huffy, "Well, tell her that, biologically, once I pop out a kid, she's only got a few more years to wait and you'll be ready for a seedy motel somewhere!"

That wasn't appreciated but the mean part of me just didn't care at that moment (and I still don't like the needy best friend). But I really hope that in a few years, I will be lazily enjoying the sun and just shouting reminders to Dave about the doggy doo-doo of cutthroat female behavior while he remains devoted, safe, and loving. But only time will tell, as the celebrities love to prove, time and again.

Professional Wedding Photos Collage

2009-05-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

Oh Most Callous Wife!

2009-05-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to believe that the surest way to bring on drama in my life is to make a resolution that I'm going to blog regularly!

Last Thursday night, Dave started complaining about a stomach ache. I love my husband, but he is obsessed with body stasis, meaning that I get to hear about every bodily element not in perfect working order. I'm a woman of variability, so this ongoing discussion about every muscle spasms wears me out. (Seriously, if anyone knows an occupation that requires ongoing, non-stop body scanning to check for any changes...maybe astronaut?....let me know because I married the perfect candidate.) However, since this is only one of two less-than-wonderful elements of his personality, I'm trying to learn to cope with the need to explain to me, in depth, how each system is functioning and where every glimmer of pain resides.

So, I admit, I ignored his report of stomach pain. I offered medical advice and went to bed. I woke up the next morning with no husband in bed. He was on the couch. His first words were, "My stomach hurts." Okay, I responded, it's probably food poisoning. I wished him well and left for work.

At around 11:30, I called to check on him. He had his weak voice, which I hear frequently before the body scan begins. I told him that if he feels badly, he should go to the doctor. Admittedly, I didn't say it very nicely. I was raised that your bodily pain is no one's business but your own and I could feel my mother in my head. She wanted me to say, "Go to bed or go to the doctor but stop bothering me about it. It's your body, take care of it!" My mom is wonderful but not sympathetic in times of minor illness. Still, I managed to compose myself and give him information about our insurance and the available options.

A few minutes later, he called back because his mom wanted to talk to me. She told me that he didn't look good and she wanted him to go to the doctor. I rolled my eyes since this seemed like a lot of hubbub over food poisoning. But I was a good daughter-in-law and told Husband that he should go to the doctor.

At 1:30, I checked in again between work meetings. He was still sounding weak and complaining about having to sit in a doctor's office for an hour. I decided that if he was irritated and not desperate for help, he must be making a big deal out of gas. I wished him luck.

I was sitting in a meeting at 2:30 when my phone vibrated with a message. Dave let me know that he was going to the ER. I texted back, "Do you have a doctor's order? If not, we have to pay 100% so you better be near death before you enter that ER!" I'm sure he felt very loved. He texted back that he had paperwork from the doctor. I warned him not to lose the paperwork and said I'd leave very soon and meet him at the ER. However, for the first time, I felt a little concerned.

That morning, the train I usually take had left 5 minutes early. It had been very frustrating, but I'd made the drive to work. At that moment, I was grateful for God's intervention, since the first afternoon train didn't leave until 4:30 pm. I gathered up my gear, cancelled my meeting, and left for the hospital.

Traffic was miserable. I knew it would be since Fridays are already bad and I needed to drive the most crowded thoroughway in Los Angeles. I crept along, growing more worried as hours passed with no word from Dave. His mom hadn't heard from him, either. I was getting very anxious to arrive and speak personally to the doctors.

Three hours later, I pulled into the emergency room. I entered and found my husband hooked up to an IV. Dave mumbled that he'd had morphine and a heart test. His bloodwork had come back normal except for elevated white blood cells. The initial report from the doctor was that Dave had gastritis but would confirm it with a CT Scan. Inwardly, I grumbled that we were going to be sent from the ER with a prescription for TUMS, which I'd told Dave to take that morning.

Dave left for his abdominal CT Scan around 6:30 pm. I went to find a snack and verify with the insurance that all of this would be covered. The insurance company grumbled until I told them we had paperwork from a doctor and then they grumbled about doctors over-ordering ER visits. But in the end, they said that we'd acted correctly (I hope that's true when the bill needs to be paid).

I returned to the ER in time to meet a doctor sitting at Dave's bedside. The earlier diagnosis was wrong. Dave did not have gastritis. He had appendicitis. The surgeon was already prepping for an urgent procedure, which was to happen at 8:30 that night.

We continued to wait in the ER. We waited and waited and waited. I read a smut novel someone had left behind - it was really lame but all I had. Let me tell you, that protagonist wasted a lot of effort on a chronic cheater who would likely ditch her for a French ballet star after her first child, but since she abandoned her dignity in the pursuit of "true love" I guess she'd chosen to learn about reality the hard way.

Finally, the surgeon came to speak with us around 9:30pm. They'd had a procedure turn difficult so they were seriously delayed and had decided to turn our case over to the fresher night staff. We had no choice in the matter. I went back to talk to our insurance again and authorize the emergency procedure since the doctor did not want him transported to our home hospital. The insurance company grumbled but gave permission (may it still be in effect when the charges process).

Dave went into surgery at 10:30 pm. The surgery was supposed to last 30 minutes, but it was almost 11:00pm before the surgeon came into the waiting room. The appendix had perforated, so they'd had to clean him out. There was quite a bit of leakage, so he was to be a guest at the hospital for some time.

I went home like a dutiful patient that night. By the time I got back to the hospital, I could tell that had been a mistake. The hospital was busy so Dave was getting overlooked. He was upset about the surgery, the drain in his stomach, the IV antibiotics, and generally just by being ill. He wasn't happy that the nurses had a tendency to shout, his roommate was always in the bathroom, and the nurses acted irritated about helping him to walk, which had been an order given by his surgeon. He did not want to be left alone again, ever, during his hospital stay.

We passed a good first day. We walked him every hour as we'd been told. He took his medicines on time and passed all the first day milestones. Then came nighttime. The nurses did not want me there. They wer grumpy and insisted I was making the other patient uncomfortable. I calmly explained that patient rights legislation dictated that patients were not to be kept imprisoned without access to persons carrying power of attorney. As Dave's wife, I had every right to spend the night in the hospital. I was given no accommodation and even yelled at for laying my head on the bed. The next morning, everything got worse. The nurses were convinced I was trouble. We were yelled at for walking too much and then, when we skipped a walk at their urgence, yelled at for not following directions. We were both embarrassed by the loud voices used to give us direction.

Then came my breaking point. Dave's sister had lent us a mini-DVD player so that Dave could watch movies. I plugged it into the wall, since we needed power. A nurse got in my face and yelled that we had broken yet another rule. I asked how we were to know the rules when we had no orientation to the hospital. She huffed, "Well, we told your husband when he was admitted." I laughed outright. I had been standing 50 feet away while she had supposedly told my doped-up husband, 20 minutes after surgery, all the rules of the hospital. I demanded to see the nurse manager at that point, since it was obvious the nurse and I were at an impasse.

Unfortunately, I was so exhausted from two nights of minimal sleep, that all I could do was cry through my conversation with the nurse manager. He promised me a sleeper chair, which, of course, never materialized. I spent another exhausted night on the floor while nurses huffed and yelled at regular intervals. At that point, I decided I hate County hospitals. I was feeling pretty Jekyll & Hyde by the next morning. When Dave needed me, I was all smiles. Then he fell asleep and I snarled my way through the next hour until he was up again. I was so grateful when his parents showed up to relieve me for a few hours. As predicted, I make a terrible caregiver for the infirm. I just don't have the patience.

Dave's fever stayed down all day, so we were pleasantly surprised at 3:30PM by a joyful nurse telling us we should leave immediately with the doctor's blessings. I was a little hurt by the sound of confetti blasts and relieved sobbing as I stepped out the door with Dave, and I was livid that they let us walk out and didn't even give the guy a wheelchair escort and help to the car. I really hated that hospital. I guess the feeling was mutual.

Dave's been home for almost a week now. He's doing better every day. I'm still so tired that I fall asleep randomly if I sit for too long...I'm like a little old man watching golf on TV. It will get better. I know it will. But I'm so completely tired. Maybe if I'm nicer next time he complains, I'll get a blessing to help me through the caregiving!

Yep...I'm old...

2009-04-16T13:20:00.001-07:00

I was stuck listening to Hip Hop in the shuttle from the parking lot to work. The line was:

"I wanna dance on your disco stick."

I realized I have no idea what that means. First, what in the world is a disco stick? I've seen my fair share of disco dive movies and I have no memory of a disco stick. Second, I'm now much more acquainted with sex than I was months ago, thanks to getting married, so, while I'm sure it's meant to be obvious sexual euphemism, I have no clue how one would actually perform a disco dance on the 'disco stick' implied. From what I know of disco, it involved a lot of jive walking and spinning around while holding hands....that seems rather tame for hip hop. Maybe all the incredibly poetic lyricist knew about disco was that finger up and down move, though doing that while you do that has just brought into mind a very giggle-worthy image ripe for inclusion in the Hot Shots or Naked Gun movies from the 1990s.

Now that I'm done feeling old, I blog my residual child....enjoy the Harry Potter happiness.

Wedding Pictures, Anyone?

2009-04-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

Here they are...the professional pics. Our amazing photographer, Stacie, has posted some of her favorites on her website.

It was such a fun & funny day. We were in Salt Lake City. My mom & Dad, Prince Charming & Beauty Queen, and Cate were in attendance. The women helped me to get ready - the gown had this great corset that made me look almost normal (rather than my usual super-chubby) but the downside was that I couldn't move a muscle once zipped into the dress! So, I had an entourage following us around Salt Lake City...until they mysteriously disappeared! Then my adorable niece & nephews (the Thundering Trio) saved the day by carrying my train for me. Ash was so adorable - she was in awe of the whole proceedings and made 1 of the 2 most adorable flower girls in the entire party! (And those ring bearers and junior ushers were oh-so-handsome!)

I think the photos turned out perfect. I wanted old-fashioned photos set against the beauty of Temple Square and that's just what I got! I was so nervous - you can see that in the bridals - it was too much pressure to try and be pretty and have close-ups. I was grateful when Dave was in the pictures so that I didn't feel so alone! But Stacie made everything lovely and we'll treasure these photos.

Again...on Prop 8

2009-03-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

NPR had a story this morning about discrimination faced by those who have supported Prop 8 - the so-called gay marriage ban. I thought I'd add my story to the milieu.

First, however, let's be clear. Prop 8 is NOT a gay marriage ban. It's a poorly-worded attempt to preserve the right of religions to define marriage. I am not particularly fond of the way it's written - but I do strongly support the constitutional right to religious freedom. Nothing but religion has the right to define itself - and marriage is a judeo-christian concept, therefore, it belongs to religions to define the concept. And, as it is defined in sacred works, marriage is NOT an expression of love or even the formation of a procreative union - it's a union between the male & female genders created and sanctioned by God.

So, let's be clear on something else: I don't care who you have sex with nor do I think that your sexual relationship should be a foundation for civil rights or benefits. I think marriage needs to be abolished as a political concept. It's antiquated and likely violates the separation between church & state - at least, this argument seems to demonstrate that it's caused a big problem and probably shouldn't be a legal matter.

But let me tell ya - nobody's asked my opinion as to why I supported Prop 8. I've been told I'm a closeted bigot and that I'm woefully inept at being liberal-minded. I've had to fight past protestors to go to the temple or go to church. I've heard people say that they've been forced to resign from jobs or positions of influence. And I've had my own experience now.

I'm a well-known "mormon" who attends UCLA. I've struggled from the day I announced my religion - but it's wrong to attack a social group and I wouldn't stand for it. Then Prop 8 happened. My grades declined radically. I've been asked to write and rewrite every paper. The requirements for me to graduate have doubled. I can't say I'm the best student - but I also have to ask if my religion has influenced this sudden change in grading.

So, I ask you....where is the freedom of speech here? Who is the real mob? I know there are bigots - but the vast majority of us simply request to live our religion as we see fit and are asking culture to leave that alone. Our church, those evil Mormons who are out to kill gays apparently - I just keep missing those cross-burning & hood-wearing meetings it seems- have advocated for stronger civil union legislation so that civil rights can be extended to all.

We should have the right to be free. We all should - and driving people out of business, forcing them out of school, or trying to use the media to convince others that we are evil just so our viewpoint can't be expressed. It's wrong people and as anti-democratic as anything could be.

Happy Inauguration Day!

2009-01-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

So, planning a wedding is hard work...

2009-01-04T23:56:00.001-08:00

The date is set.

March 21, 2009.

I have a lot to do. So, for the meantime, you can find me at the wedding site rather than here. I will return to my regularly erratic blogging after the, uhm...well, aftermath.

The wedding site:
http://www.eWedding.com/sites/beccadawn23/

Please come and visit me!

I don't normally feel this way...

2008-12-15T16:15:00.001-08:00

but sometimes it's so nice to be wrong.

(Thanks to Cate for making this blog possible. It would have included wedding pictures if I'd had to wait to upload the pics from my camera...but more coming. I have to tell the story. He did perfect. From teasing me to choosing a ring to the proposal. Perfect.)

Alas, all too true....

2008-12-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

Romance. So much more likely in the abstract.

Because deep down I'm still a girl...

2008-12-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend is NOT going to propose next week. I am saying this so that I reign in my hopes and don't ruin what will likely be a lovely surprise even though it's not the surprise I want for Christmas. If he were going to propose, my mom would have spilled the gossip ages ago. My sister would be looking worried about losing her roommate. None of those signs exist so he is NOT going to propose. The day he wants to spend together and the gift I've been promised - it's not related to the BIG gift I want. It's probably some earrings and a nice CD to listen as we tour Christmas lights and eat a romantic dinner somewhere. It's NOT a ring and a proposal. But it'll be nice and I don't want to ruin it. So, I am reigning in my emotions by typing them here and then I'll be able to sit back, look at Christmas lights, and only imagine beating him over the head with a non-lethal and somehow ironic instrument while he is busy NOT proposing.

Now I feel saner. Thank you, dear Internet, you may go about your holiday shopping.

Just when I can't wait another moment...

2008-11-30T20:24:00.000-08:00

Christmas arrives. So, welcome Spirit of Christmas. Welcome to my neighbor's yards and my inward heart. Welcome.

Doing some housekeeping...

2008-11-26T11:42:00.000-08:00

I am cleaning out the things in my life causing me stress. I am looking at every part of my life and trying to decide if it still serves a purpose in my life. If not, I'm tossing it out.

I have an offer for a new job and I've told my current boss that if she fails to fix my current job, I will take that offer.

I told the boyfriend in no uncertain terms that the time for excuses has passed. We've had a lovely year with 6 months of commitment and that's plenty of time.

I announced to my professors that their commitment to me was that I could miss deadlines if I had work commitments and I am invoking that clause.

I told off a cabbie for waxing on about the economy and the news. I don't need any more bad and if he can't say something nice and pleasant, I'd rather not give him a tip, thank you very much.

I made that fertility appointment I was hoping I wouldn't need because things would happen "the old fashioned way" with a husband and family.

Then I told the kitten that I've had quite enough of 4 am restlessness and he could spend a few hours in the bathroom if he didn't choose to behave.

I'm being incredibly nice about each ultimatum. I begin with acceptance of individual agency and freedom, I thank the person for their service and support, and then I explain in my calm but certain voice how my needs are not being met and I need to act in my own self-interest. I am not sure I have ever been so coldly selfish. I have ignored discussions of timing or love or patience or sadness. I have pointed out that my past patience is sufficient and that no thought of timing or love or any other factor was made for my needs when the other person elected to pursue self-interest. What's more...I do not care about my timing or the ill effects on any other person's life. The time is here and long past that I meet my own needs.

I love the shocked looks on their faces. I don't believe anyone believed that someone so nice and self-sacrificing would ever truly reach their limit. But here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving announcing to the Universe that I am truly cleaning out the junk in my metaphysical house.

Compared to how much I love him, you hate him...

2008-11-19T14:27:00.000-08:00

I have fallen in love with President Obama. Oh - not the silly love I had yesterday with Phillippe Cousteau (shut up - it was deep and it had meaning and why are you always criticizing me, imaginary Internet people?!). I just cried as I read through things at Change.gov. I posted my own story. I shared my opinions. I felt like I had a democracy that responds to me. I want to savor the moments until FOX news gets the crazies so wound up that this beautiful era of hope comes crashing down.

For today, I want to rejoice in the vote I cast and the promise that America can be great again and to everyone who is listening to too much FOX news, I quote Obama in his acceptance speech:

"[T]o those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too."

For the first time in generations, I feel like I have a president of the United States.

Irony on a Mental Health Day?! Say it ain't so!

2008-11-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

I developed an insta-crush on Phillippe Cousteau when he appeared with Matt Lauer this morning. I was studying statistics and cursing the stress in my life when my own personal David appeared.

I don't remember the segment. I was too lost in his sea-like eyes. He has the ultimate run-away job and he's saving he planet. As I paged through book pages that I barely understand and worry that I'm running out of time to accomplish everything I need to do today, one corner of my mind wandered the ocean with Diver McDreamy.

We talked about the shocking changes in reef life. We tutted over the changing interactions among whale families. We shook our fists at ditzy anti-conservationists who thwart our labors. Sure, I'm fat, tired, whingy, easily nauseated at sea, and freak out when natural things touch me, but none of this mattered to Phantas Phillippe and I. Our connection was intellectual, not sexual.

And that's a good thing...because just as I became convinced that Phillippe Cousteau would rescue me from my humdrum stressful existence, the Alannis rule of irony kicked in: It's like meeting the man of your dreams and then his beautiful wife.

Oh drat. I suppose she couldn't be fat or frumpy. A man with a name like Phillippe Cousteau would find something just this fabulous.

So, sighing, I go back to studying. I may not be able to roam the 7 seas with a handsome Frenchman as I inform the world about climate change, but at least I had a few hours break. I guess he saved me from my stress after all.

A Little Bit of Stress Relief

2008-11-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

Write about it.

That's one thing that you're supposed to do to relieve stress. Honestly, I need to do something. I've tried exercise and yoga and everything else I can possibly consider short of giving up sugar - which I tried to try but it was more stressful than the stress.

I know I do this freak-out over stress thing a lot. I really want a simple life where I don't do this constantly. But lately...oh, lately...it's just building and building and building.

Stress #1: The Job

I get yelled at almost every day at work. I do the work of 3 people and I do it badly. I'm just overwhelmed. It's almost not worth starting a project or phone call because in the course of attempting I'll be bombarded with at least 3 more tasks. I work with difficult people who have decided I am the poster child of their discontent. I lay in bed each morning trying to talk myself into arriving at work sometime before 9am and then spend six hours reminding myself that I'm supposed to work for 9 hours each day. If I'm lucky, I survive for six. Then the stress drives me out of the building.

Here's a case in point: I agreed 6 months ago to participate in a diet-controlled research study. I was aware that I'd be the primary investigator and that the project would take a significant amount of time. So, I agreed to accept 2 subjects. While I was in Florida, the doctor in charge of the project called the company and increased our number to 10! Since when was TWO equal to TEN! She sent me an email while I was on vacation. I didn't read it. Then she called me to yell at me for not doing as she told me in the email! I. Was. On. Vacation. I do not check my email on vacation. Vacation is where I go to get away from email demands. But, no, I was in trouble for being on vacation. So, I told her I can't do TEN subjects. She lectured me for 5 minutes on how I need to learn to accept responsibility and follow-through on my commitments. TWO was my commitment. Not TEN. TWO. But I have no formal authority and my opinion does not matter. TEN are enrolled and I have no say. Nothing to do but cry and try and screw up. Again. Because no one can do the amount of work I've been given. I spoke to my manager and she suggested I learn to be assertive. Right. Because all this time I've been a shrinking violet. The only thing the doctors hate more than my ineptitude is my attitude. I hate my job. I love my work but hate my job.

Stress #2: The UCLA

Okay. Seriously. It takes work to teach as badly as our professors. They must spend hours choosing useless textbooks and planning pointless powerpoint lectures. They have also specialized in being unhelpful. I have tried to drop out every quarter since I began but to do so I need the Dean's signature. The Dean refuses to meet with me. I have literally been trapped into giving UCLA my money each quarter. I know I can't meet the demands of school. I'm a nervous wreck. I'm barely completing my assignments. I've never been a bad student but I am now. My GPA sucks and I really want to quit. But I can't quit without the Dean's signature. So I go on. I scrape together crap to hand to the teachers on the due dates. I haven't even started my Master's project. I want to quit. I tell everyone I want to quit. But still the Dean won't take my phone calls...not until UCLA gets my full tuition. Then they'll happily declare me unfit to graduate and flush me down the river. Yep. That's the faith I have in my professors.

Stress #3: The boyfriend

He would tell you that he's not stressful. That's because he's unemployed with a great, supportive girlfriend, a mom to take care of him, and the government paying his bills. He has no needs. Most of his needs are carefully met by me who is still SO STRESSED OUT about our relationship. No one is enjoying my nonstop worries but I'm so far into this thing and yet it's still so uncertain. I am not a person who does uncertainty well. Every day I feel like a huge guillotine swings above my head just waiting until I breathe wrong and the last twine of our relationship splits so that the axe can meet my trembling neck. I'm not being dramatic. I think being a "girlfriend" is excruciatingly painful. All of this constant analysis of who I am and if I measure up to the great girlfriends of past and future is threatening to make me crazy. Although I've used this blog for all my whinging, I'm really quite a lovely, kind, gracious person...but anything under a microscope is a whole world of messy. As the boyfriend continues to delay any further action in our relationship until he feels more stable in his own life, I watch the guillotine sway in the wind and await its final judgment. It's stressful. Really, really stressful.

Stress #4: The economy

This is closely tied to the boyfriend and the job. I want to run away from all of it but as the markets decline around the world, even running away to my beloved England is becoming less possible. I applied for a new job to try and solve stress #1 but the reality is that everywhere is bad and it's a bad time to take a new job and risk being the first lay off. Yet feeling this trapped in my life is bad for me. I need to sniff at freedom. I need to believe the boyfriend can get a job and that I can get a better job. Yet I know that I should be grateful for what I have. I know it could be worse. And yet...I want to be the unemployed one with the perfect boyfriend and the mom taking care of me and the government paying my bills.

Stress #5: Politics

I like Obama. Can he please live long enough to restore hope to the people? I hate FOX news. It's stirring up hate and should be punished when the first crazy-person shoots at Obama in the name of the Religious Right. Furthermore, my boyfriend's family belongs to the Religious Right. I am struggling with my own bigotry towards that group and trying to see them as more than the politics with which I do not agree.

None of this is really the BIG STRESS. The big stress is the uncertainty in my life. I don't know if I'll graduate, marry my boyfriend, get fired, or end up alone and moving home. I don't know anything. I want to be one of those people who zens through the rough stuff but I've had enough BAD in my life to fear uncertainty because, in general, for me, if it can get worse, it will. And right now, all of my future is so far out of my control. My general philosophy is if I can't solve it, I should run from it. But there's this sneaky little voice that suggests maybe I can find a happy ending if I just stay put and don't run. Yet the winds are raging and guillotine swaying and I'm not sure I can keep my neck stuck out like this.

Because I'm too frustrated with my job to do much else...

2008-11-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

My job, as I know it (click to read the whole comic - I'm too lazy to adjust my page programming stuff so this works):

And now I pause for a public service announcement:

And nothing else has changed...I'll post pics from my trip as soon as I find the camera cord and some time that isn't swamped by the unrealistic demands of 1) my job, 2) my professors and 3) my semi-committal boyfriend.

Now I have to go back to being non-productive as I surf the net for news about the economy and secretly wish *I* were the unemployed persons who didn't have to go to a crappy job for an indeterminate amount of time until the government runs out of money to pay for corporate parties in the Bahamas.

A word about sacred things

2008-11-07T21:32:00.001-08:00

Sacred.

It's a word that should be respected even if it's not understood. I don't get why Hindus find cows sacred but I respect that it is sacred to them. They don't need my endorsement but they do need my respect. And when they vote against me eating cows in their establishments, I don't carry signs calling them discriminators or haters. I respect that, despite the fact that I find cattle to be cud-chewing and foul creatures, cows are sacred to Hindus.

So, when thousands of celebs descend upon my sacred places, including marriage - that ever-elusive but long-held dream of mind - I get offended. Just as the Hindus would if I ate a hamburger in a Hindu temple.

Because sacred is what it is. Sacred.

I've called and written all my congresspeople to call for what I believe the true compromise in the marriage debate. There should be no "marriage" benefit. The constitution should be changed so that there is no political need for marriage, all would be accomplished in a civil union or domestic partnership - because, in the end, that's what this is...my sacred is just another tax benefit.

And I want that hamburger out of my temple.

Happy (at long last) Election Day!

2008-11-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

Never have I been so grateful that everyone is getting out to vote tomorrow. I'll finally dare answer my cell phone again...

October Pictures

2008-10-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to out myself and upload pics to my public blog. Weirdness. I wish I had more time to blog. So much is going on and I'm really very happy...alas, between grad school, serious dating, church, and work - there's barely any time for the minimum acceptable standards for humanity, let alone a hobby. But here are 3 small stories to pass some blog time.

.

From October 2008

This is simply a picture of me that I like. Really. I do. Dave says it's a good picture "because of the beautiful subject." Oh gag. How did I end up with a sentimental guy?! Poor thing. However, he should be glad I put up with him. The picture above is from his nephew's wedding last weekend. I found out about the wedding one week before the event andhad no idea about any of the plans. I just showed up in casual wedding attire - what is that?! - and made a lot of small talk. I think I looked good for how much time I'd had. During the course of that week, I'd prepared a presentation for the national conference, completed 2 school assignments, finished prep for Dave's upcoming birthday, attended 2 funerals, and successfully fought back a cold. That's my life these days!

From October 2008

Speaking of Dave's birthday month, here's a photo from the Midway Birthday Bash. We went to Santa Anita racetrack and then drove go-karts. While at the race track, we were standing & watching the last race. After the horses had cleared, we just stayed there and talked for a while. A woman came over and told us, "You two look so cute. You really need a picture of this." We handed over a camera and oila! we had a picture. She actually took 3 of us and this one is my favorite.

From October 2008

Last but not least - the adorable kitten. I inherited this kitten from Cate during a whirlwind trip to Utah. He was too adorable to have no home. He's the world's most perfect kitten - playful but not aggressive, loving but not needy, smart but not intrepid. His life is very good. He has 3 devoted adults, 3 tolerant kitty friends, and 2 children who play with him and cart him around all day. He's our version of Garfield's Pookie - too adorable for words. Yesterday, however, his world came crashing in around him. During a miscalculated leap to the edge of the bathtub, his paws slipped from beneath him and he tumbled into 6 inches of water. He went completely under and came back to the surface sputtering and sopped! My sister quickly scooped him out of the water and he ran crying to the bedroom. I found him, wrapped him in a towel, and held him until he warmed back up. The poor little drowned rat then buried his face in my leg and stayed wrapped up in my arms or curled in a ball in my lap for the next 4 hours. He was fine - but we realized how spoiled he is if a little bath caused this much trauma!

Where I stand on Prop 8

2008-10-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I am not a person who believes that I have any right to impose my religious or personal standards on any other person. I don't believe in making civil rights deferential per my own subjective opinions. So on big-ticket morality-based issues, like the marriage debate, I usually just sneak into my own corner and abstain from voting.

But Prop 8 is a little different and not because it's about "gay marriage" because that's a big, complicated issue that has way too much bigotry involved. I don't think anyone should be denied their basic civil rights. If you're raising a child with someone or have been that person's life partner - who am I to decide whether or not you get a tax credit or access to that person at end of life? We all deserve human dignity, love, and connection to our social networks...and Americans love a good tax break!

So, the reason I'm voting 'yes' on Prop 8 has nothing to do with who gets to get married and who doesn't. I'm voting 'yes' on Prop 8 because I don't think that government should get to define religious creed. I believe firmly that separation of church & state is a vital and valuable part of our constitution. Religions ought not determine politics and politics ought not inform religion.

Whether certain groups agree or not, 'marriage' is a religious concept. Marriage in the Judeo-Christian tradition is a formal union between man and woman to "multiply and replenish the earth." It refers to the union of a man and a woman for procreative purposes under the power of God. I am aware that's no longer the cultural definition of marriage - which is more like a club that two people agree to enter so long as they are amused by it. However, marriage in a religious sense is a binding contract for specific purposes.

Under the new laws, the government has the right to evoke certain rights of religions to prepare and administer their own religious tenets. Churches can be required to accept marriage as defined by the state rather than it own creed. In Massachusetts, one church had its tax-exempt status revoked because they did not want to perform marriages between homosexual couples. This is wrong. This is dangerous. This is anti-constitutional. Whether you believe that homosexuality is this, that or the other, separation of church and state is a part of the constitution and should be respected as highly as modern civil rights. We may one day want churches to have some inherent power - have we really all forgotten the many eras in history where refuge within a church gave oppressed people safety during times of persecution? Do we really want no place safe from government power?

As a religious person, I am more than willing to give up my "marriage" tax rights in order to support stronger civil union laws, but I have to insist that marriage be left as the sacredly defined union I believe it to be - not because I "hate gays" or want anyone to feel persecuted but because I want my religion to have its own level of civil rights, its freedom to define itself. I have a right to worship God in the way I see fit as does any other person. I don't think the government should be allowed to slap labels and force actions. I believe it's a violation of fundamental rights and should be stopped...even if the issue of civil rights that is currently in question most certainly deserves attention.

So, I hope that people vote for Prop 8 and maintain the definition of marriage that Californians already agreed upon. Then I hope that some forward-thinking person of power gets mad and abolishes all rights of law inherent with "marriage" so that we talk about "civil union tax benefits" and everyone can enjoy all the same rights. But I want that done without the feeling that I've lost my freedom to worship and weakened the Constitution.

I am...

2008-10-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

bringin' on the GRATITUDE!

I am...

2008-09-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

proud to be an American and eager to serve each and every Internat fad!

I am...

2008-09-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

tired of my brain blowing up each Wednesday (when all this works itself out, I'm sure I'll blog the Wednesday phenomenon because it was funny when I told it to Andi on the phone earlier) so rather than think anymore, I submit an offering from someecards.com...

No Such Thing as Too Much Jack

2008-09-17T09:15:00.001-07:00

Oh....yeah....

I am...

2008-09-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

not upset that my friend who met her guy 3 months after I started dating my guy is getting married. No. I am not bitter. Not at all. Not bitter. Not angry. Not annoyed. Or at least that's what my plastic smile and over-enthusiastic hug will portray to her at the party.

I am...

2008-09-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

grateful for a funny post to make me laugh (just when new news made me want to cry - there really does need to be some light soon...please pass the message along to God for me, wouldja?!). Anyway - please read - my sister-in-law is hilarious!

I am...

2008-09-16T17:06:00.001-07:00

much too freaked out about the future to be blogging. Why did the stock market have to plunge?! Why can't life be simple?! Why am I so easily whacked out by circumstance?! Why can't I believe in happily ever after??!!

I am (secretly shhhh really secretly)...

2008-09-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

tired of mourning September 11th, which, while tragic and shocking, was far from the WORST thing that ever happened in the world and, after 7 years, we really all should be moving beyond our grief. I'm sure something else will come along soon to rock our worlds and keep the media entertained and politicians yapping.

But, if anyone asks, I, too, spent the whole day reliving the experience, mourning with victim's families, and hailing the Red, White & Blue.*

*Maybe this is just happiness talking. I just don't want to feel sad today.

I am...

2008-09-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

puzzled by a sign over the Mountain Dew spigot at a nearby gas station (and distressed I didn't have my camera handy):

OUT THE ORDER

Is this a comment on the spigot or the political system that created the spigot? Is Mountain Dew plotting a takeover? I don't know what to make of such rebellious ideology blocking the morning caffeine for so many addicts.

Just when you've convinced yourself to ignore the gnawing commitment-based panic in your gut...

2008-09-09T16:10:00.001-07:00

What?! I'm a MEREDITH. A....a....a Meredith! I hate her! She can't be....oh....no...my commitment phobia...but...but....it's...totally justified!

*sigh*

I guess I am a Meredith.

I am...

2008-09-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

literally in shock over the nutrition facts label and low-fat granola that came with my McDonalds meal...is Mickey D's finally getting it? I'll reserve that judgment until they do away with trans fat and high fructose corn syrup.

(and...I am more than a light sigh-y over the guy I'm dating, who, when I finally stopped being mad at for having a moment of doubt, is so very worth all the emotional risk involved in this non-committal but completely committed thing of ours.)

I am..

2008-08-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

amusing myself completely by noticing how completely self-absorbed I am.

I am...

2008-08-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

angry, upset, sad, annoyed, happy, scared, worried, tense, and EXHAUSTED...so I will ignore all of that and just laugh at this great way to honor the end of the Olympics.

I am....

2008-08-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

hiding in my office, so Cate the Great wrote me a song for my day (which is Tuesday but I'm hiding this behind the Monday Funny)...

A Sad Song

She came to work this morning

the creature of her routine

moving in the ways she should

while different thoughts shocked through her head

"to hell with this all, I'm not working today"

and she closed the door behind her

hiding away

So she's sitting at her desk while the slow Tuesday passes outside

all quiet in the hallways

her red hair is curled and she's got her comfortable shoes

virtual conversations are keeping her going

and she's silencing her pager

living in her head

hiding away from reality's chill and the face of spurned advances

and it's a smart pretty head, so what's the harm in living there she asks

and the world and reality are trying

intrusions are knocking

but she's pushing them away

singin' along to only the saddest songs

the echoes of her fear and pain

the maps across her hopeful heart

she's singin the blues with the door closed

I am...

2008-08-18T22:19:00.001-07:00

in the middle of a mind-boggling change in guy behavior that has brought all my past into view and is making me very ill indeed...and I was so happy on Sunday...so ready....

I am...

2008-08-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

almost sad it's over (despite loving the outcome).

Olympic Finals Board

2008-08-13T16:59:00.001-07:00

Olympic Medal winners at NBC Olympics.com!

I am...

2008-08-12T22:20:00.000-07:00

proud my niece has learned the important things about the Olympics.

Diva: Mom, is there America in this Olympics?

BigSis: Yes, America is going to compete.

Diva: Oh, I love America. I cheer for Michael Phelps. Go, Michael Phelps, Go!

BigSis: That's a girl. This is gymnastics.

Diva: Go, Phelps, Go! I love the Olympics.

I am...

2008-08-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

certain that swimming was incomplete until Michael Phelps stepped into a pool.

(and an Olympic ad just because I love it...and Cate stole the Phelps one)

Oh - and it was good to see the Thorpedo again...

I am...

2008-08-10T19:41:00.001-07:00

giving highest marks to my new LG Voyager phone (the best cell phone EVER) for its user-friendly email, IM, text messaging, and - in particular - fabulous internal GPS system.

I am....

2008-08-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

feeling that, after a day of trying to update my links, not only do I work on Sunset Boulevard, but I've become the silent film actress of bloggery.*

*It all started** with playlist.com. Then the blog reader stopped working. Then the add elements wouldn't find RSS feed for blogs I've seen in RSS-elements on other blogs. Then I realized I had membership revoked at blogs where I'd long been accepted. It's not me. It's the blogs that got smaller. Yes...yes...I'm ready for my closeup now.

**Okay, maybe it ALL started when I broke my long-standing rule about men by 1) adding FR to my contacts and 2) talking about 'my boyfriend' to family and strangers. This began a major downslide into paranoia made worse by his sudden decision to stop texting me 20 times a day. Yes, I know that when you label something, guys believe that they can and should stop working so hard. Most of me believes that's fair. The other part is paranoid. Guess which one is winning.

I am...

2008-08-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

having deep and ponderous thoughts about the upcoming election.

I am...

2008-08-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

deeply jealous of these people because the only part of the emergency preparedness lecture to which I listen (with longing) is the discussion of how to slide down the big, yellow slide:

The Boeing 757 returned 57 minutes later and made a safe landing. The captain declared an emergency and everybody got out via the slides.

Passengers stepped from two cabin doors and slid down the inflatable chutes. Los Angeles firefighters in helmets and yellow coats stood by at the bottom to help them up.

I am...

2008-08-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

truly hating on the population explosion lecture that just praised us all for being so forward-thinking as to wait to try to have children until it's statistically unlikely to fulfill our biological drive all the while being so modern as to permit men to have their biological drive fulfilled constantly with no responsibility whatsoever....wait...uhm....feminism? Where are you?

I am...

2008-08-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

wishing I were not so practical as to turn down the gift of two cats, valued at $5000, because living in a 5-cat household would not be good for hygiene or my sister's nerves.

I am....

2008-07-31T20:22:00.000-07:00

concerned that my new theme song was written by a 15-year-old but I love the song too much to be bothered by such trivia.

I am...

2008-07-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

willing to pay all $5 that Cate will owe me tomorrow to whomever is willing to figure out why the playlist.com code won't work on my page.

I am...

2008-07-31T17:38:00.001-07:00

watching FR skate on ice so thin that I'm tempted to blow in his general direction just to watch the cracks form as he sinks to the bottom.*

*Really. Three times on the same fight is enough patient. We discussed this twice already. He's either really dumb or just plain doesn't care. Either way, I'm out of patient. If he doesn't agree to do something in my world at least once, then it's done. I already lived the hell of a one-sided relationship. Oh - and to be 5 minutes from my work AT A DODGERS GAME and not even invite me so that I could do the cool-girl thing and say oh, I love the Dodgers but you need a night with the guys? Dude. Welcome to the underside of the list.

I am...

2008-07-31T17:20:00.001-07:00

in a state of sincere awe that anyone ever figures out how to have a relationship with any other person, regardless of gender.

I am...

2008-07-31T14:39:00.000-07:00

still alive despite media reports on the earthquake that was much more severe at the local news station than anywhere else.

AND

very ready for FR to come through for me this weekend and become THE ONE rather than one of the THE MANY....but, as usual, hope is dim.

I am...

2008-07-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

not sure how to respond to FR's job layoff without being girl-crazy or distant or uncaring or just plain clueless or completely worried or too involved or...

*sigh*

...ever so grateful that tomorrow is the 24th of July so that I can go and celebrate my Pioneer ancestors in the beauty of the state they created.

I am...

2008-07-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

excited to be off tomorrow for family reunions and the 24th of July....happy summering!

I am...

2008-07-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

officially done even playing with Tarot or other spiritual games. Yesterday, I had a happy turn of events and a good conversation with FR that resolved many of my problems. I went out with my "psychic" friend who read my cards. It was the happiest reading I've ever had - wish fulfillment, resolution of problems, happy days ahead. I felt complete, happy, ready for the next phase and completely at ease in my life and my body.

This morning she emailed to tell me that she'd misread the cards and really my life is about to turn upside-down, be awful, miserable, and full of jealousy and misfortune. All the fears came rushing back. I wanted to run from my relationship, flee the country, quit my job, and hide from joy because my fear of endings became palpably present. My chest seized up as every self-defeating horrible thought crashed back onto me. Then I thought, why do I keep trusting the naysayers when my own spiritual compass says that the time for pain is over for a bit and even if she's right, then I don't want to waste this one happy day worrying about tomorrow.

So, I emailed her back to say thanks but no thanks. I don't need cards or psychics or anything else. My relationship is good today and I'm happy today and I don't need anything more but myself, my God, and a good day. It's such a relief not to be jumping at every sound. Let tomorrow be what it may....perhaps there is jealousy, and misfortune and pain and I will never be allowed to be happy....or perhaps I really am going to get my dream. For this moment, it actually feels more real to say that today is a good day. If for no other reason, the world premiere of High School Musical: The Movie is just the perfect peppy.

I am...

2008-07-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

still shocked that K-Fed turned out to be the responsible party.

I am...

2008-07-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

still laughing about the advice given by a very intrepid 3-year-old baby who is product of artificial insemination (though her parents rather thought she didn't know):

Day: Where d'ose kids?

Me: What kids?

Day: You kids? Why you don't not got some kids?

Me: That's just the way life worked out for me, honey.

Day: No not want some kids?

Me: Of course I want kids. Kids just as cute as you. But I don't have a daddy and you gots to have a daddy, right?

Day: Nuh-uh. You just goes to the doctor and the doctor makes so that you don't not got some kids. Then you not don't not got some kids.

[imagine the level of apall on the faces of her parents]

Me: [laughing] Well, you are the best advocate I've ever seen for letting the doctor help a grown-up don't not got some kids.

Day shoves a french fry in her mouth, hands me one, then proceeds to pointedly laugh with the french fry half falling out of her mouth. There's no joke that's not funnier with partially digested food - as any good 3-year-old will tell ya!

I am...

2008-07-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

not certain that even valium can keep me calm enough to avoid screwing up a relationship in the face of my paralyzing fear of abandonment-induced heartbreak.*

AND

exhausted by the ineptitude of the current administration.**

*I am trying. Really. For this purpose I have valium. But I still froze up. I still panicked. I still withdrew and barely spoke and wished it all to go away quickly. All I can feel is the fear of the reality of romantic disappointments so many and varied that I forget which names go with which faces. How many times have I been here? At least 7...unlucky 7...Sure, today, I'm wonderful. But it just takes one introduction, one false move, one moment of imperfection, one bad day....and I can't take the pressure. So, I'm folding. I don't know what else to do. No matter how much he insists that he can take this withdrawal, quiet and standoffishness...this host of fear and panic....I lost my belief in love so long ago that now it's just a really long walk into a painful conclusion and every day makes the pain that much deeper. No, I am not capable of this. Because as soon as I give in, I will certainly have to experience the pain and I don't have that time to waste. I am trying, really. But this is my best and it's never been good enough. And I don't want to feel it. Instead, I will call my backup guys, I think. But I can't. Because I have all this damned integrity. Because I said I'd try. Because I'm terribly, foolishly hopeful. And I'll pay for that. I always do.

**Spoken like a true oil barren, Mr. President. Not a single mention of alternate fuels in over an hour of mindless babble.

After a day of clumsy text-flirtation, I am...

2008-07-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

singing loudly in tune with Fiona Apple: please, please, please No more maladies...

Please please please
No apologies
At best they buy you time
Until you next step out of line
Please please please
No more remedies
My method is uncertain
It's a mess but it's working
And maybe if you want to try it out
You won't like it when you're crying out
Give me something familiar
Somethin' similar
To what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady, steady
Steady going nowhere

I am...

2008-07-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

Popping valium like candy as hearing someone say that they would like to seriously be with me and speak those words of commitment feels exactly as though I have crossed a great divide in order to hand that person a loaded gun filled with heat-seeking silver bullets inscribed with my name.

I am...

2008-07-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

on a diet so intense that I spend most of the afternoon looking forward to the big rice cake event at 4:00 pm.

I am...

2008-07-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

anxiously awaiting the results of my confession to FR that I am a religious Democrat after an email forward pushed my political buttons (and grateful that I am still dating other people so that I can transition easily if this is a dealbreaker).

I am...

2008-06-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

living the literary dream as two roads diverge in a distant wood.*

______________________________________

I need to devote a whole post to spiritual enlightenments and scriptures come to life (How I met Simon the Magician is a particularly interesting story)...but this ain't it. Instead, just a hint of philosophy. Today, I realized why people no longer choose to see God's hand in their lives.

I was reviewing an old notebook from early in my work career at CHLA. The review brought back memories of various sacrifices I have made for the good of the company. I gave up most of the reasons I initially chose my workplace - the alternate work week, month-long vacation options, a fixed-time workday - because the children and the cause deserved my sacrifice. But something interesting has happened. Over time, my presence has become undervalued. I have given and given until I've given my all but there's a problem. It isn't enough because it isn't more. I have lost value because I have maxed out my give. As there is no more mountain to climb, the past has been forgotten and I have merely become a disappointment, a relic, a person not good enough to meet the clamor for more, more, more. And this...this is exactly what has happened to God. We have so much more than any other generation. We are protected and even coddled. So God has lost his value. He has not given us Nirvana. We don't really want our own choices and the world of our making. No. For him to have value, He must continually give more. He is not enough because He doesn't give more.

It was an important insight for so many reasons. I have seen God perform such glorious miracles for me and for those around me. I've been very angry as I saw people announce that God was dead for them, especially when He had just performed some marvelous act of love. In the meantime, I'm moving contentedly down my path. Sometimes, all the things that aren't of God seem so distant and unbelievable that I feel like I'm hearing someone tell a bit of fantasy with a lousy plot. I'm just so happy with where I am and what's happening. I have so little need for all the dolled-up things that I used to think were part of a happy life. I just want to hang out with the hodge podge of people with light in their eyes and dance around with happiness at all the miracles. For me, it's enough. That's all I know. It's enough. I don't need more.

So, as I see my road diverge, I'm not the least sad. I'm eager to see what lies in the sunny glade just beyond this murky wood.

*And realizing that much of what I once labeled "true love" was really just a vain attempt to prove my value to others through the dates I had, the money spent, and the jealousy I could evoke. How awful and empty.

WORLD'S LARGEST DOG

2008-06-23T17:07:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure who I think I'm "catching up"...but here goes anyway.

I really don't remember last week for no better reason than it went by that fast. It was Sunday and I was lamenting the lack of attendance at ward choir then it was Wednesday and I was delivering CDs for ward choir and then it was Sunday and I was so fed up that I cancelled ward choir. So, not a week for the record books as far as church service goes.

However, the choir fiasco did lead to one funny event (in my blog-day this would have been a very funny hyperbolic post, but I'm not that clever anymore). I was delivering practice CDs to delinquent choir members (15 of whom live within WALKING DISTANCE of the practice site). The chore wore long and soon it was 10:15 pm. I was sneaking up sidewalks and placing CDs gently on doorsteps. In the midst of one of these attempts, I heard a bark behind me. I turned and saw the WORLD'S LARGEST DOG running at me full speed. I assumed attack position and screamed as loud as my girly lungs would scream. The dog froze. AND THEN IT WHIMPERED! The WORLD'S LARGEST DOG was a co-award winner, it seems, for the prize of WORLD'S WIMPIEST DOG. The dog galloped (not kidding - this dog was HUGE. So huge, I thought it was a grim. Not kidding. I actually thought the word, 'grim' and wondered what my death would entail. It was a very LARGE dog.) back to the teenage child who had the noxious task of taking the dog out for an evening walk.

The boy watched me. I pretended that screaming is a very normal activity. After all, I'm an adult. Adults only do appropriate things, so, therefore, screaming was very natural at 10:15 pm when confronted by the WORLD'S LARGEST DOG. I continued my journey toward's the door. Unfortunately, the stellar choir members in this house had chosen uneven stone to line the walk. My journey to the door resounded across the neighborhood: OUCH! OW! WHOOPS. OOPS. OH MAN! OUCH!

The teenage boy must have somehow controlled his giggling at this point to approach me. "Uhm, lady. You're going to wake my parents and that's bad for me. Can I help you?"

I tossed my hair back. I am a grown up. Whatever I do is perfectly acceptable and no responsible teenage boy can snicker me into feeling differently. I handed him the CD with the instructions to deliver it. He walked over to the doorstep, set it down, and laughed his way back to the pavement without so much as a stubbed toe. I sniffed and held my head high. I am a grownup. Whatever I do is marvelous. In this case - marvelously entertaining.

At 10:45, I was attacked by the WORLD'S LARGEST BEATLE outside another house....and that's when I decided the choir members didn't really deserve practice CDs. After all, 15 live within walking distance and could easily hear the music by attending practice. Hardly worth dying over. I wasn't about to tempt the fates lest the words 'WORLD'S LARGEST POSSUM' enter my realm of experience.

Apart from classic hijinx, life was fairly mundane. Work. Book club. Heat wave. Nothing spectacular. FR and I had a good date on Saturday. We went go-kart and bumper boats racing. I totally schooled a group of pre-adolescent boys who lamented that they got thrown off the go-kart track (for very good reason, I might say, even if I did pull similar tricks more than once to keep FR from gaining the lead or drenching me with a watergun). Then all the guys drenched me good in return for my very responsible lecture. I thought that unfair....and I let them know it by mastering aim of my watergun. After the games, FR and I grabbed In N Out before catching a movie and playing some board games. The day could only have been better if we'd had time for Lazer Tag. (Okay, I would also have preferred if it hadn't been so expensive! I am not an expensive date but when you add the gas money and entrance prices - nearly $100 for the whole day!! Really, not necessary. I send this vibe to the Universe. I am totally cool with dates that don't cost money. And I keep saying so!)

Sunday, I wanted to drive out to Ventura to see FR and that worried me so I stubbornly stayed home and worked on some wondrously exciting surprises! I can't wait to unveil them!

I am...

2008-06-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

having a day the likes of which led to the first workers' rights rally.

I am...

2008-06-19T14:48:00.001-07:00

insanely angry at my iPod for, after giving me nothing but vowels in Scrabble for 6 straight draws, it dealt me the Q, W, D, and Z then had the capriciousness to declare 'QUO' not a word just because that triple-letter score would have trashed its lying, cheating microchip for the first time.

Life's unjust

2008-06-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

This woman's got three kids and I have none...

Beyond my personal bitterness, it's a good warning that just because the health food store says it's "good for you" doesn't mean it really is.

One morning over breakfast, Holly Paige looked at her daughter and realised
things weren't right. Lizzie should have been flourishing. Instead, her cheeks were pinched, she was small for her age, and although she had skinny arms and legs, her belly was big and swollen. When Lizzie smiled, Paige suddenly noticed her front teeth were pitted with holes."I was absolutely horrified," recalls Paige.
At the time, Paige was feeding them what she thought was the most nutritious diet possible. They had been raw vegans for three years, and ate plenty of fruit, vegetables, nuts, seeds, grains, soya and pulses, but no meat, fish or dairy. According to the raw-food doctrine, Lizzie and Bertie, then three and four-and-a-half respectively, should have been brimming with good health.
But Paige's mothering instinct was on the alert."I knew something was wrong," says Paige, 45. "They were two sizes behind in clothes. Of course, children come in all different shapes and sizes, but their growth seemed to be slowing further."

There were other oddities: "I remember going to the supermarket and buying butter for my older children. Lizzie, who had never had butter in her life, would grab the packet and gnaw into it," says Paige. "It was really disconcerting. I would be thinking, 'What is going on? Here is this purely fed child - why would she need to do this?' I was so brainwashed into thinking dairy products are bad for you."Finally, Paige
stumbled across the answer in an old vitamin book and she believes the family had symptoms of vitamin D and protein-deficiency. "I felt like such an idiot. I got the information from a book I'd had sitting around on my shelf for 20 years."The discovery brought a swift end to her experience of veganism. Despite taking a daily supplement that included vitamin D and B12, she and the children were suffering. Today, the family still mainly has a raw diet, but Paige includes butter, cheese, eggs and occasionally fish. "I had let malnutrition in through the back door in the name of health," says Paige.

- The Independent This article was originally published on page 9 of Cape Times
on June 18, 2008

I am....

2008-06-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

Serene (yet satisfied) as I watch the humble, straight play Celtics dispose of the vain and self-important Lakers (though I would never say so in public LA, of course).

The weekly summary

2008-06-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the Lakers game and decided to post a weekly wrap-up. I love the I am segments because they let me be creative yet brief in my busy life.

Well, it's happened. I've become that girl. The one who dates guys and never calls back?...I'm sure the men of the world know her. It wasn't really intentional (though thankfully fortunate). My cell phone blipped out on me and erased my call log and text messages. I no longer store men's numbers - saves me the pain of erasing them at end of relationship - so all the guy's numbers were gone in one blip. I had promised Salesguy that I would hang out with him last weekend. But nope. Didn't happen. I went on a train ride with FrontRunner instead. Oh, well. This is what the rest get for trying to make it all be "in my court" every so often. But, alas, I feel badly. I was planning to hang out with Salesguy. I had my pics of England all ready. But, alas and alack - it was a no go. I have become that girl who claims she'll call and never does. As for the obvious maybe you should enter in their numbers, I reply: I will on our wedding day. Maybe. I prefer never trusting in tomorrows. I can't believe how marvelously successful dating became after I stopped pretending one date can lead to another.

But enough about that....by default, I've entered the boring date only one guy routine. FR remains a super-nice guy and he seems fond of me. But dang - I really want to play Guitar Hero. Oh, sorry, television distraction. We had a really good weekend together. The train from Fillmore to Santa Paula is a blast. It's an old-fashioned crawler train. We sat outside for part of the trip - gorgeous vistas. In Santa Paula, we saw the only working model of a wooden oil pump and met the nicest tour guide named Barry. The oil museum was so lovely - I had no idea the various aspects of drilling here in California. Barry was amazing - he gave us this wonderful tour of the upstairs rooms, which have been restored to 1890s glory. The tile and colored glass were superb. We saw ancient cash machines and one of the oldest working vaults in Cali. I was so excited to discover some close-to-home history!

After the train, we came back to the house to watch a movie and have dinner. Since I live with Big Sis and family, private moments like that are rare. We enjoyed ourselves. He's a nice person to have in my life. We passed a pleasant spring. I know there's a next date this time - we're going to Get Smart on Friday. He's been talking about this movie since we first went out in February. I never though we'd actually go together to the premiere. Life. It's kooky. So, while he's still not Prince Charming (and definitely no David Duchovny), he's a pretty good piece of life as it realistically is for me.

Speaking of FR, my nephew laid down by me on the couch the other day. FR had dropped off a present for me (see I am statement). The Philosopher said, "That FR is a pretty nice guy." I agreed. The Philosopher continued, "Of course, you can never know for sure. Maybe he's just being that way so that you'll like him and think he's a nice guy."

I looked over at the ever-wise one. "Yep. That's the big problem with dating. You can never be sure."

Phil nodded intelligently. "But I think he's nice. I only have one worry about him."

I started to laugh but encouraged him by saying, "Oh, what's that?"

Phil answered, "Well, he never seems very sure what to say! I mean - I'm 7 - and I know what to say. So why doesn't he know what to say?"

I leaned down and kissed his forehead. "This is a big concern for your aunt as well."

Ah, Phil. He remains ever-wise and too grown up.

Now on to other news. I remain employed though I have started going to burn-out counseling. I kid not. In our environment, we have an entire department dedicated to trying to keep us one step outside of crazy. I took the step inside shortly before I left for Chicago - a tantrum the likes of which I never even saw in my toddlerhood. So, someone noticed - finally - and while the workload didn't change, at least I have a dedicated dumping spot for all my anger, disillusion and stress. I think I feel better just knowing that I have someone to hear me scream. I keep a log now of all my tasks. On average, I start every day with 27 hours worth of work. I get to log all of this and submit the log monthly to my supervisor and the clinic manager. If no one responds in 3 months, then my counselor will help me to contact human resources and find a new job. It's all very strange. It's the most gentle "don't let the door hit you on your way out" that I've ever experienced. I feel better about this path than just quitting cold, though. At least I will document the ridiculous nature of my job - and maybe leave things better for the next person...or at least leave a crumb trail for them when said next employee hits this region of the darkened tunnel.

I still long for London. I really want to be a mom and a doctor. In London, both dreams could be a reality rather than sacrificing one or the other here in the States. So, I wonder. I sorta brought up the topic with FR but then decided that it's much too early. After all, his number isn't even in my phone.

School is on break for a blessed 3 weeks. I am busy writing. I have several projects that I would like to complete before homework demands my time and energy!

The rest of life continues its never-ending evolution. I have but one goal right now - to learn to live in complete honesty. I find as I do so that I love God more and the world less. So many lies in the world - drink this, sleep with that, look like her....and so many people who have decided that the this and that is exactly the God they desire. God took me on an amazing but sad journey to realize that everyone in the whole world has exactly what they want - they just don't always want it once they have it. I have even met a Simon who asked how to buy the spiritual light that I enjoy every day. But I recognize my almost daily struggle to actually keep focused on important goals and to let long-held dreams (and friends I always wanted to impress) fall out of my life. I have accepted people who please God into my world. They are a hodge podge mess that would be shunned in almost any circle but I love them and want to treat them as kindly and mercifully as God treats us all.

So - may everyone have a wonderful week! I think of y'all frequently even if I write/call only rarely. Once I get myself firmly into this new life I'm trying to lead, I'll be better...okay, probably not until after graduate school...but eventually.

I am...

2008-06-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Detoxing from Diet Coke, corn syrup solids, school crunch time, and work overload by staring blankly as the chemicals I've used to power the last 2 weeks ooze out of my forehead to forever color my perspective.

I am...

2008-06-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

Staring at a flight arrivals board in ORD airport and wondering how the company responsible for 11 hours of flight delays (6 of which spent on Tarmac without so much as a peanut) in my past 24 hours can possible stay in business and wishing I had the company's gift with contract negotiations.

I am...

2008-05-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

Staring confusedly at what seems to be a leopard print piece of fabric while an adamant 4-year-old informs me that it is NOT a cape (as it was yesterday) but a polar bear leash and she will be unable to take the polar bear ANYWHERE if I use it for my school set. As I was unaware that we had a pet polar bear, I am quite perplexed.

In honor of Virgin Radio

2008-05-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

My favorite spot in the afternoon Virgin radio lineup is a segment called "I am...." wherein listeners text in some near-existential one-liner about what they're doing at the moment. Since I haven't blogged in ages and I'm bored in class, I thought I'd play with this idea.

I am....

looking at Clean Air Act discount rates and wondering if they figured in the cost of my brain matter dysfunction related to looking at incomprehensible numbers before declaring the Clean Air Act a cost-effective measure.

Bed. Bed. I Couldn't Go To Bed.

2008-05-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

I sing the My Fair Lady song about bedtime almost every night - even when nothing overly romantic has happened. Not that it was a bad Saturday night. I forgave FrontRunner, though I didn't confess to being half-asleep on the couch with two munchkins when he called last night until well after he'd bought movie tickets to the show I wanted to see. FrontRunner is sweet. I still have all the concerns I've ever had - and since he wouldn't go to my friends party with me tonight, I've added one - but he is very, very sweet and decent and honest and interested - so I'm just letting it flow on around me.

We went to see Prince Caspian. Fabulous movie. I'm so impressed by Walden & Disney. They left the religious symbolism and teachings without making a "Christian" movie. It's so beautiful. I cried buckets. Yep. A 4 tear movie for me. I also left nail marks in FrontRunner's arm - I was quite afraid for all my little Narnia friends. I'm such a kid sometimes. Anyway - as a contrast to Speed Racer wherein after 1 hour, I wanted to chew my arm off so that the paramedics would take me to freedom - at the end of 2 1/2 hours of Narnia, fresh tears fell because I just didn't want it to end.

Part of me admits that it had to do with seeing England again. I think my DNA really misses the motherland. Just seeing streets I've walked made me a bit giddy. The "way out" sign on the underground sent in rushes of homesickness so powerful I felt nauseous. I just love that country. I spent the whole movie wishing I would walk out and see a Piccadilly Whip ice cream truck parked out front - that I'd be back there with the smell of books on every street corner and history steeped to a perfect savor. Every scene of Kings and Queens made me miss the Royal Mews where my imagination seemed to hear the Queen's footsteps as she called for a horse. I make FrontRunner nervous when I wax poetic about my love of London. I think he's figured out that I'm not sure who I want to win in this play for my true affections.

In other romantic news, I am now officially hiding from one of the Quarreling Quad of ex-men out there. 4-H guy and I only went out once but he told my friend that I was "the best gift she's ever given" him. Oh blech. If that's true, then I want to know what kind of rotten childhood he had. Nothing but porridge on birthdays and beatings on Christmas? Anyway - the guy has failed to call or email me since the date. So, while I'm impressed that I can be so good in such a very long distance relationship - consider me officially grossed out. I can truly say that I have learned to understand some of what guys go through. I mean - seriously - since when did his fantasy have any effect on my feelings? Thus, I remain in hiding. Lucky for me, our relationship has yet to need any direct input from me. I'm sure we'll be happily married with 4 kids next I hear from my friend.

I need to remember that all my family blogs now. Probably a good thing for me to have some social awareness. I've loved that this site was just for me to whine and think and whine some more - but some social self-editing will do me good. At least make my friends less scared of me. I'm so much more pleasant and happy than I seem in these words. Even my longing for England is more about expressing joie de vie (French for I can't spell in French.)...

Games. So Over Them.

2008-05-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

I decided to only date one guy just in time for said guy to get weird: Murphy's Great Law of Dating. For the most part, no big - I wasn't 100% sold on him but I'm 150% sold on the idea of staying sane during dating. So, imagine my surprise when the guy who never calls (I kinda liked this about him) suddenly decides to call me at 8:30 pm on a Friday night when he has refused to make plans all week. Hmm....the mind boggles not much at possible reasons. One way or the other, I did not answer.

I may be in my pajamas with nothing to do but blog, but I'll die a slow, agonizing death before I confess to being anything but 'out' on this Friday night. I did see Speed Racer today (the Wachowski brothers had best have skipped town after that $150 million fiasco) so that's what I'll say. Oh - and I'm being a little harsh on the Wachowskis...it's just that when you have a 7 and 4 year old at a movie (at the outrageous rate of $40 for a matinee and some popcorn), you really appreciate it if the movie doesn't drag on for 2 1/2 hours with a mostly inane plot that pretends it has a real shocker twist (even though the 4 year old figured it out exactly 20 minutes into the show).

Regardless, I thank them for permitting me to pretend to be 'out' tonight. After dragging 2 amazing, adorable, good-natured kids around town for the whole day, I deserve to go to bed early. If said guy wants to know if I'm still dating other people - he should ask me rather than call at 8:30 pm on a Friday when he's been in guy weirdness. Bad form. Very bad form.

Yet Another Reason to Make Global Travel a Priority

2008-05-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

Wow. This is about the worst apocalyptic news I've seen in ages:

That's London as it will look after the polar ice caps melt. I was only moderately upset about the loss of polar bears and New York City - but now I'm on board. Sign me up for solar panels and take away my synthetic fabrics. A world without London is no world at all.

A Day to Remember

2008-05-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Happy freedom from credit cards day to me.

Happy freedome from credit cards day to me.

I worked and I prayed for it.

So, happy freedom from credit cards day to me.

Beyond Myself

Happy Birthday, My Boy!

My response to the myriad clamors for monetary help regarding Prop 8...my least favorite subject

A Whole Lotta Firsts...

Yup. I support a public option.

You must bow to His Cuteness!

So, like, I knew them once in that Internet sort of way...

My baby was born!

Just so very Argh

In the meantime...

Ok...so calmer now

Open Letter to the Car Vandal in Granada Hills

A Monthly Newsletter!

My Husband. 5 am.

yes, Virginia, there is a reality...

I've so had it with opposition without purpose

So tired of the bullshit...

It's a boy?!

Ye Said General Update

I really like this guy...glad I decided to keep him.

Update on baby & Olliver

A cheerier post...

I didn't know you could worry so much about something as small as a lemon...

What can I say - after all these years, I've become a joiner.

Well, Happy Mother's Day to You!

That "freaked out mother" feeling without the baby

Professional Wedding Photos Collage

Oh Most Callous Wife!

Yep...I'm old...

Wedding Pictures, Anyone?

Again...on Prop 8

Happy Inauguration Day!

So, planning a wedding is hard work...

I don't normally feel this way...

Alas, all too true....

Because deep down I'm still a girl...

Just when I can't wait another moment...

Doing some housekeeping...

Compared to how much I love him, you hate him...

Irony on a Mental Health Day?! Say it ain't so!

A Little Bit of Stress Relief

Because I'm too frustrated with my job to do much else...

A word about sacred things

Happy (at long last) Election Day!

October Pictures

Where I stand on Prop 8

I am...

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No Such Thing as Too Much Jack

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Just when you've convinced yourself to ignore the gnawing commitment-based panic in your gut...

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Olympic Finals Board

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